They says there's not much to do in tiny European republics, but I suckled almost a dozen pigs in Lichtenswine!

Only old people watch the Grammy Awards.

NED: If I grab your ass in a bar, it's not my fault.
ED: Why's that?
NED: Because I suffer from copaphilia!

What happened when Jesus took Viagra?

He rose again. It was the Second Coming. He said to his disciples, "Check out my nail," and they couldn't believe how He was hung. For it was Magdalene who took his body and laid it. He was truly the messy. Ah. And so the Church soon broke into many groups/sects.

When Jesus rose from the dead and appeared to Mary Magdalene, in disbelief, she exclaimed "No way!"

Jesus replied, "Yahweh!"

Ms. Jolie's become skinny as a string. Brad's worried. Soon they'll be Banjolina!

What did the founder of Starbucks and Jesus have in common?

He brew religion.

Why won't the priest let me urinate during confession? I just want some pee sin quiet!

The sad irony: as soon as I broke my neck, and lost feeling 'down below', the girls suddenly wanted my number!

I was so happy to get over my paralysis. In fact I was ex-static.

There are a lot of belles at the pealer bar. You'll always have a good chime.

Holocaust denier Ernst Zundel loves baseball. His favourite position is designated Hitler.

As scholars of dead languages, we want to have archaic and eat it too.

You should never feed scrap metal to cows. I tried it once, and there was a moo tinny!

People who keep repeating themselves are sick. They're ill iterate.

I was kicked in the balls by a Cockney.

I was told to watch what I eat, so I swallowed my timepiece. My friends thought I was crazy and recommended I undergo Seiko-anal-lysis. But I wasn't just going to shit on my hands and wait for time to pass.

Why is revenge a dish best served cold?

Because, it's just ice.

Which insects are voyeurs?

Spied hers!

What's George Bush's response to thousands of bodies wounded and mutilated in Iraq and Afghanistan?

"Keep surgeon the troops!"

Is it true that Jesus could only perform miracles, because He was on steroids?

Yes - after all, he was King of the Juice!

Two little-known facts about John Wayne Bobbitt:

He claims to be a descendant of Bonaparte, and he was surgically reattached on Re-member-ance Day.

To copraphagics, every meal is a feced.

Those who don't eat enough fibre should start their own club. They could call it the Poo Pucks Plan.

The lonely ship captain was so frustrated that he pitched his sex tent.

Cleaning your bathroom scum is not fun. It's quite a loo-goo-brious activity.

Do American lepers pledge a lesion to the flag?

Having sex with a pig is tiring. It's lay-boar-ious.

Hear about the thieving apiarist? He was into bee-steal-ity!

The Middle East is becoming more commercialized. It's where you go Dubai things.