I enjoy fish on Yum Kipper.

Genocidal clan killings in Africa? Don't get me started on a die a tribe!

The star proctologist was treated like a god. His patients were so in awe. They all lay prostate before him.

NED: I can communicate with fish in distant oceans!
ED: Really?
NED: Yes.
ED: Why, you must be tilapiapathic!
NED: Yup - I just flex my mental mussels and tuna out distractions!

Letterman's latest mono log was a piece of crap.

The authorities lifted the restrictions on chariots, and gave the people cart blanche to drive whatever they wanted. Everyone quickly jumped on the banned wagons.

THe US army in Iraq can't afford to make popcorn, because they are running out of colonels. It's becoming a major problem in general.

The epicentre of radical feminism is New York City, aka Man-hatin'.

In the US presidential primaries, vegetarians are overwhelmingly supporting the Democrats. To them Mitt is murder, and there's no glove lost.

I invited the Dalai Lama over for dinner, but he said Buddha that, which is just as well, as I'm willing Tibet you anything that he would have run a monk.

NED: What's a river rodent's favourite TV show?
ED: Leave it to Beaver?
NED: No, Welcome Back Otter!

Midget horror movies are rarely grew-some.

There's nothing quite like a South Pacific vacation: seven days in Jakarta makes me week Indonesia.

When a dog is choking, other dogs will frantically sniff its butt in an attempt to save it. This is known as the hind-lick manoeuver.

Those who make cross-stitching puns are knit-wits. No more barbs or needling!

Heather Reisman's monopoly on the Canadian book market fills me with !ndigo-nation!

What is a Quaker truck driver's favourite band?

Hall and Oates.

Are the French known to waffle on their decisions?

No, they just gaufre it!

Jesus loved publicans. In fact, he said, "Blessed are the pouring spirits!"

Porn stars have a social conscience too - in fact, many of them are mouthpieces for Am Nasty International. However, despite their best efforts, millions remain in bondage.

Irate protesters in Pakistan won't rest until Musharraf is hung like a horse. That won't be too hard, as he claims he can already pack his Stanfield.

I was looking for a place to roost, so I went to the poultry hotel to chick inn. The guy at front desk was a bad egg (he called me a pecker!) but despite his unpheasantness I didn't fly the coop: after all, it was only hen bok-boks a night. 'Only hen clucks,' I thought. I agreed to the feed, and was given free range of the place.

That potheads will always stay up to watch late-night comedy is known as the Law of Reefer-action, aka SNL's law.

Before live-action pornography was legalized, XXX videos were shot exclusively in Playmation.

You meet some hilarious German grandmothers in Oma ha.

Screw the petriarchy - I'm having a test-tube baby!

The New Orleans levy inspectors will be forever dammed.

American justice is an oxymoron, because the laws were made in an incongress fashion.

I met a sheep swindler in the Yukon.

When our office network goes down, look out - it's like Silence of the LANs.