Do optometrists clean their teeth?

Yes, it's "eye flaws daily."

I lose my breath when I drink Starbucks, I get so excited. It must be a Venti elation problem.

Saddam gained weight in his later years. He was known as the Ba'ath tub.

Saddam had one cousin, a punster, who escaped prosecution. His name was Comic-ali, and he sassed the Kurds.

Pun-Off Report - note from Pun Gent Pat:

Hey, they finally printed my piece about going to Texas this year (and losing)! The story is in Today's Post Arts & Life, so please spare 75 cents and buy it, or go here to read. Fun!

See Pat's full 2007 routine.

Why do women love punsters?

Because they have really big dictionaries.

People who dislike comedy clubs suffer from skits-refrainia.

My girlfriend was crying. I tried to dry her tears by blowing on them. It gave me a case of blew bawls.

At first John Lennon refused to perform jingles for fast food ads, but then he decided to give pizza chants.

I thought about abandoning my career as a welder, but decided to solder on.

NED: I've lost the ability to post in my online journal.
ED: What's that?
NED: Writer's blog!

NED: I have an irrational fear that Santa will get tossed from his sleigh.
ED: What's that?
NED: Claustrewphobia!

NED: The Gaza conflict troubles me.
ED: Why's that?
NED: I don't know, but it affects Mahmoud.

Did the film Reefer Madness have a tokin' black guy?

If the star of House drove a truck, it would be a huge lorry.

Studying quantum physics is so mysterious the physicists are like a religious brotherhood; in fact they must take a vow of science.

The painter became a wrestler, because he wanted to lay the smock down.

If Jesus had weighed 450 pounds, would the Bible have started "In the biggening..."?

Prince Harry joined the British army, but he belongs in the heir force.

Little known fact: the Mongol dictator had a stuttering problem. They called him Again-ghis Khan.

Don't knock lazy people. They are the most into-resting.

My friend is a bigot - he thinks all people with mortgages are home owes. "All they do escrow each other," he said. "You should know," was my rebuttal, "You work for Ream-Max!"

Playoff hockey is a comic marvel. They should call it the Stan Lee Cup.

Who can fix tall buildings in a single bound?

Super man.

Why is Michael Jackson so crazy?

Well, he's been hit by lightening several times.

Scotsmen are easily lamb-pooned.

Puns about alligator stool are a croc of shit.

Hear about the cannibal who mistakenly ate the leper?

Afterwards he said, "Sorry, I thought you were a dine-o-sore!"

Movie trivia: in the upcoming sequelThere's Something Extra About Mary, Ben Stiller comes across Cameron Diaz's character, turning her into a sperm-afro-dite.

Who was the most indecisive dinosaur?

Staygosaurus.