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1/22/2010

TRIPLE TEAM

Dear Pun Gents, I need a funny name for a 3v3 basketball team. ~Tony, St. Louis

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Three Guys, Six Balls
  2. Nothing but Ned, Ed and Fred
  3. Slam Allelekum
  4. Dunkin Go Nuts
  5. The Three Pointer Sisters
  6. The Trouble with Triples
  7. Threedom Train



INFO-ATTAINMENT

Dear Pun Gents, we're updating our clients information and have to call people to update/confirm email addresses. We're forming teams to do it in. Any ideas? Cheers! ~Marlon, Melbourne

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Address for Success
  2. Track Team
  3. Emailleability
  4. The Check is in the Email



SLICE-ZY BEHAVIOR

Dear Pun Gents, need a pun on a cake auction. ~Kelly, Chiefland, FL

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Congratulations, you've just won a brand new carb!
  2. When I see cake, icing for joy.
  3. Flantastic Voyage
  4. Give Piece a Chance
  5. Jack Frosting



'MOLE'ST ME NOT

Dear Pun Gents, I need a pun on the word 'mole' for my chemistry project ~Nija, Lawrenceville, GA



1/21/2010

LAWFUL WEDDED WISECRACKS

Dear Pun Gents, I'm looking for a punny name for a new blog. Something shorter and more clever than, "One man's quest for figuring out how to plan a gay wedding while negotiating freaked-out family drama and keeping sight of the real reason for getting married - the other groom." Thanks! ~Brian, Boulder, CO

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Groom with a View
  2. Gay Mon!
  3. Married to a Blog - but he's a nice fella!
  4. Aisle Be There
  5. Nup it in the bud
  6. Diary of Stan/Frank
  7. Let's Wed and See



MY MOTHER AND FEATHER

Dear Pun Gents, I have a picture of my mom wearing a turkey hat. I would like a pun that describes her life, but has to do with turkeys. ~Harrison, North Brunswick

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. She wattles when she walks.
  2. She's got the right stuffing!
  3. She always listened to Charlie 'Bird' Parker
  4. She was blessed by Gobble Almighty!



WE DE-LIVER!

Dear Pun Gents, we have to rename a liquor store.  My wife runs it full-time. We sell beer, spirits, a little wine. Blue-collar store in an old neighborhood. ~Matt, Shawnee, KS (long-time fan)

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. What Ales You
  2. Liquor-ner Store
  3. Inebriattitude
  4. Boozunteit
  5. Mom and Pop Shots



THE BUCK SHOTS HERE

Dear Pun Gents,  I'm looking for a pun for a shot glass for a bachelorette party. It's a run of the mill drinking party. Something unique. ~Michelle, Windsor, ON

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Bride is one of the 7 deadly gins.
  2. Bailey able to stand
  3. Jello Hooters
  4. Shoot Your Load.
  5. Gal-liano
  6. Totally Kahlua-lass



WAIT... BEER ME OUT!

Dear Pun Gents, I need a pun to ask a friend to buy beer or alcohol. ~Joey, Redlands, CA

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Ale be forever grateful.
  2. Don't make me go boozerk.
  3. Wine not?
  4. Vodka I do for you?
  5. It's not going tequila-ya
  6. Can I ask you a martini tiny favour?



YO, BUM RUSH THE SNOW

Dear Pun Gents, I am in a curling bonspiel called the 'BUMspiel' - BUMS stands for Berseker Urban Motorcycle Squad. I need a team name with curling and bums. Or just some original curling names for 4 people thrown together to curl. ~Shelley, Calgary, AB

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Ass-assins with Rocks
  2. Bumsweepers
  3. Crack Squad
  4. The Icy Receptionists
  5. Skip to the Loo
  6. We'll Skip Rinks Around You



MOVERS AND SHAKERS

Dear Pun Gents, I need a team name for an office team in a transportation engineering firm, but no one on the team is an engineer. ~Amy, Salt Lake City, UT

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Trans Sports
  2. Engine and Tonic
  3. There's no Engine, Here
  4. The Colossus of Roads



DUBLIN THE FUN

Dear Pun Gents, ~Tyla, Brighton, UK

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Read Joyce and be glad!
  2. Irish men make me weak in the Neeson
  3. I'm drunk - I'm not wearing any bar!
  4. Guinness gracious!
  5. Ale be back.



MATRIMONY MONY

Dear Pun Gents, some good wedding band names. ~Lisa, Tampa, FL

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. The Wedding Band
  2. Band for Life
  3. Big Rock
  4. Aislevis Priestley
  5. Easy Briders



WE JUST FIT

Dear Pun Gents, I'm wanting a Valentine's Day pun based around the themes weight loss / gym / love handles / exercise / etc. ~Lach, Brisbane, Australia

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT
  1. Sexercise?
  2. Lose 214 pounds for Valentine's Day
    OR
  3. Give her 214 pounds. Watch the V.D!
  4. I can't weight for Valentine's
  5. You be fit me
  6. Love. Handle it.


1/18/2010

MAN! I FOUL LIKE A WOMAN!

Dear Pun Gents, We're looking for a clever name for our women's tennis team. We're a city, public court team that plays out of Golden Gate Park in San Francisco. ~Nina, San Francisco (long-time fan)

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Feelin Frisci
  2. John Cougar Tennis Camp
  3. Servivors
  4. We're HardCourt
  5. Clay Lady, Clay
  6. Clayla
  7. Female Agassins
  8. Stringers in the night
  9. Spinderellas
  10. Drop it Like it's Shot
  11. Backhand and Lobbin (Batman and Robin)
  12. Golden Girls


1/08/2010

AHEAD OF THE PUCK

Dear Pun Gents, we did a science project on how fast you can shoot a hockey puck and we need a title! ~Jen, Laurel, MD

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. How Pucking Fast?
  2. One Tough Disc ice on
  3. Hockey't Science
  4. The Mighty Pucks
  5. Ahead of the Puck
  6. Clocks-pucker



SOUNDING BOARD

Dear Pun Gents, A good one for a film soundtrack service please. ~Jeremy, Letterkenny, Ireland

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. You Shoot, We Score
  2. Audio Fellow




4 CLOSURE

Dear Pun Gents, we need a legal based pub name for our social event, even better if it also included the number 4. Many thanks! ~Will, London

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Four Courtsmen of the Apocalypse
  2. I fourght the law and the law won
  3. Twitter name: @hornies
  4. Fourth right behaviour



CHICKS WITH CLICKS

Dear Pun Gents, I'm putting together a bachelorette-party 5k run for the bridesmaids. Looking for a pun to put on the t-shirts. ~Maria, Chicago

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Chick Click Clique
  2. The Sprintcess Bride
  3. Wedding Train-ing



PANT OPTIONAL BEACH PARTY

Dear Pun Gents, a pun for a beach theme for a dog party. ~Jen, Durango, CO

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. This party totally drools!
  2. Dachshund Through the Sand
  3. Life's a Bitch
  4. 24-hour party pitbulls in the house!
  5. Dog Days of Summer



CAN'T HARDLY WEIGHT

Dear Pun Gents, I'm emceeing a wedding and looking for some puns. Groom used to be into weightlifting and also works for an insurance company. ~Gary, Melbourne, Australia

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. He'll get use to waits for the bathroom.
  2. He seems very claim and collected today.
  3. Before he met her, he pumped a lot of Irene.
  4. He doesn't know squat about marriage.


12/30/2009

DRINK AND DRIVE

Dear Pun Gents, I need a name for an alcohol delivery service. ~Alice, Brisbane, Australia

AS THE PUN GENTS
  1. Good to the last drop-off
  2. Rum-runners
  3. Spirits of St. Louis
  4. Ethanol-inclusive
  5. De-livery
  6. Ba car di
  7. Broken Down Golf Carts



HOS OF PAIN

Dear Pun Gents, I would like a pun or slogan for pediatric pain for a preventative pain hospital program. ~Beth, Phoenix, AZ

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. The pain isn't mightier
  2. Check your PainPal account
  3. Stop painment



HIVE FIVE

Dear Pun Gents, I need a pun name for a bee mascot! ~Lauren, Perth, Australia

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT;
  1. Beelzebub
  2. Buzzooka Joe
  3. The Great Swarmy
  4. Attila the Honey
  5. Queentin Tarantino
  6. Bumble Rap



COME AND SEA

Dear Pun Gents, I need pun for a headline on review of the musical South Pacific. ~Elaine, Dallas

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Someone should throw the cast away.
  2. You Guada see it!
  3. Come out for Emile and a musical.
  4. I've got half an ocean to sea it again.



FREE WILL

Dear Pun Gents, I need a catchy pun for my new blog. Something related to 'William'. ~William, Houston

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Bill Blog Baggins
  2. Writing My Will
  3. Post All Bills
  4. I Am Will I Am


12/15/2009

THAT WAY MADNESS LIES

Dear Pun Gents, can you help out with some Shakespeare-themed puns on weddings? ~Natalie, Toronto

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. There is a bow-tie in the affairs of men...
  2. Unsex me here!
  3. Frantic disposition
  4. Kill all the caterers
  5. Screw your corsage to the sticking place
  6. Get thee to a punnery!


12/10/2009

MINDS IN THE GUTTER

Dear Pun Gents, I need a psychology-related name for a bowling team that consists of graduate students. ~Diana, New York City

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Striking behaviour
  2. Split personalities
  3. E-pin-ephriends.
  4. Psy-bowler disorder



COLD CALL

Dear  Pun Gents, I want a pun about cold weather. ~Roy, Kalamazoo, MI

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Puns about winter are snow joke.
  2. What do you call a gangsta snowman? Froze-T.
  3. What do bad Canadians get in their stockings for Xmas? A lump of cold.
  4. They top the charts every January: the Black-Ice Peas.
  5. See more cold weather puns here: http://pungents.com/specfeat/winter.htm



EAU BABY!

Dear Pun Gents, I need a pun for a personalized water bottle for a wedding! ~Mindy, Memphis

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Water you getting into?
  2. We h2 owe lots of money for this.
  3. More than just aqua-intances
  4. Eau baby!
  5. Happily wetted couple.
  6. Instead of a wedding we could have bottle lot of beer.



GOOGLE WAVE?

Dear Pun Gents, I need a pun about a day at the beach ~Romy, Sydbey, Australia

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Swim-swim situation
  2. Life ain't nothing but beaches and money ~Snoop Dogg
  3. I'll sea you at the beach
  4. Shellom!





TOTALLY RETIREDED

Dear Pun Gents, after 41 years my old boss, an engineer, is retiring from the Army Corps of Engineers. He has no hobbies, no plans, and his wife is definitely not retiring. ~Sandie, Galveston, TX

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. After 41 years, he's done. He's the little engineer that couldn't.
  2. Coming to such a decision requires some mental retiredation.
  3. There's no army in taking a break.
  4. He's retiring, not dead. This is his hobbytuary





HEART CHOICES

Dear Pun Gents, I'm working on a cross-promotional ad campaign (Internet & newspaper). I need a very short name for the campaign. It's for Valentine's Day retailer sales, gift ideas etc. Example: Sweet Sales...that's all I can think of. ~Tiffany, Hays, KS

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Saleivate
  2. When in Romance...
  3. Lovember




QUID PRO QUOTE

Dear Pun Gents, I need a pun about our yearbook and the staff. It could be about anything: journalism, photography, memories, editing, etc.
Thanks! ~Kelsica, Atlanta, GA

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. We keep our years to the ground
  2. Our top draft pic
  3. Potent Quotables
  4. The Yearly Departed
  5. Pump up the Volume



SERVING UP SOME LOVE

Dear Pun Gents, we are having a tennis charity event on Valentine's day. Need a slogan re the old saying "to tennis players love means nothing" - to show that's not true. ~Laura, Charlotte, NC

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT
  1. Whack your balls on Valentine's Day
  2. Get to first baseline.
  3. You'll hear lots of backhanded compliments.
  4. If you like cougars it'll be, Love-40+
  5. Matchmaking point.
  6. Get double-teamed.


11/30/2009

I DREAMED I HAD FOUR BALLS...

Dear Pun Gents, a softball pun relating to a dream. ~Brandi, Richmond, TX

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. I must have entered RBI sleep.
  2. I was inning out of sleep.
  3. I dreamed I had four balls.
  4. Slo-pitch can be a real snoozer.



SEE YOU IN HALOGEN!

Dear Pun Gents, a bromine pun. ~Luke, Roanoke

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Bromine: the preferred element of angry black dudes.
  2. I wrote a song to commemorate the discoverer of bromine: it was a touching Balard
  3. Bromine's favourite band? Non-Metallica.
  4. Bromine is cold. Brrr.



PEP SMEAR

Dear Pun Gents, our band wants to make t-shirts to wear during pep band season (for basketball games, etc). What are some good band puns? Must be school appropriate. ~Kelly, Laramie, WY

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Salt and Pep-a
  2. Show off your peps!
  3. Think pepsy
  4. Are you Game?
  5. Band in all 50 states!
  6. Cheer ye, Cheer ye!
  7. Bandaconda



HAVE SOME FUND WITH IT

Dear Pun Gents, I am writing about various fundraising methods for charities. Any ideas? ~Miles, San Antonio, TX

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Non-profit margins
  2. NGOod fundraising strategies
  3. Get your 'char' of the market
  4. Take our advice and all your obstacles to fundraising will receipt.



BARNEY PUNOFFSKY

Dear Pun Gents, my English class is having a pun-off and I need a team name. ~Cedar, Austin, TX

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. The Punishers
  2. The Ad Homonym Attack
  3. SWordplay
  4. Punasillyin



WEAK IN THE NEEDS

Dear Pun Gents, I need a pun for children in need please. ~Liam, Newport, Wales

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Punny for your Tots?
  2. Youngstars
  3. Get down on your needs
  4. Any help is big when they're small.


11/19/2009

O, GRE

Dear Pun Gents, a pun on the letters GRE (general record exam) wishing someone good luck! ~Louise, Toronto

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. GREat to see such a smart cookie
  2. Gee are ye already finished?
  3. Happy once it's over? I'm sure you'll a GRE.



"JUST A LITTLE PATIENTS..."

Dear Pun Gents, we need team name for our company quiz night; theme is 'doctors and nurses.' ~Mike, London, UK

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. We Don't ER 
  2. The Intern Nationals
  3. See You in Health
  4. Say Ah...some.



GATEWAY DOUG

Dear Pun Gents, I'm writing a story told in songs about  the slippery slope of drugs. A guy starts his evening on coffee and TV and ends on heroin. Give me a punning drug/addict related name for him please! ~James, Toronto

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Spike E.Z. Lee
  2. Gowan S. Mack [go on smack]
  3. Duane D. Hardys-Tuff [doing the hardest stuff]
  4. Gateway Doug




LET'S HAVE A LITTLE JAM RECESSION

Dear Pun Gents, I am doing a project comparing how charities are coping with the recession and suggesting solutions to them. I need a pun I could place as the title. Thank you so much! ~Jay, Houston

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. We'll get through this as a country. It will take a spirit of donationalism.
  2. During a recession, remember to have fund!
  3. The solutions aren't very donorous.
  4. How to raise funds when funds are being razed.





ESTATE OF PLAY

Dear Pun Gents, I am a real estate agent and am trying for a punny slogan for myself. I just started as an agent and would love something funny, catchy and original...so I have turned to the best. Please help! ~Liz, Los Angeles

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. The Home Arranger
  2. All's Well that Ends in Sell
  3. Catch the Latest Episode of House
  4. Meet me at Starbucks and we'll have a non-fat Mortagino
  5. Name is Liz, but you can call me Ms. List!



PINT PONG

Dear Pun Gents, my boyfriend's name is Eddie and mine is Rachel and we are 19. We need a team name for a beer pong tournament. Clever ideas? ~Rachel, Vancouver

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Beers in Heaven
  2. Barley Legal
  3. Teenlagers
  4. Blue Beer


11/06/2009

JENNA'S SIDE

Dear Pun Gents, I need a pun for my new blog involving my name, 'Jenna'.  Something witty and funny would be cool. The blog is about a preparing my art portfolio so you could mess around with that? Whatever you like. Thanks Gents. ~Jenna, Dublin, Ireland

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. The Jenna Side
  2. Jenna Tattoos
  3. Jennaology
  4. Jennaflection
  5. Jen Irrational
  6. Jennarosity


10/31/2009

DUCK A L'OREGON

Dear Pun Gents, a pun on the Oregon Ducks vs. USC Trojans (they are playing on Hallowe'en). ~C, Eugene, OR

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. The Ducks will exterminate the Trojans through a program of Eugenics.
  2. Since it's Hallowe'en they will be dressed as the Trojan Whores.
  3. Using a Trojan is the best defence?
  4. Ducks playing football? Is this a double bill?


10/29/2009

THE DEARLY DEPARTMENT

Dear Pun Gents, I'm looking for team names for members of our operations department, which consists of custodians, maintenance, and technology. ~Lisa, St. Louis, MO

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Special Mops Team
  2. Caretaking of Business
  3. The Wringers
  4. Closet-Maintenance Workers



GOOD VIBRATIONS

Dear Pun Gents, our department is looking for ultrasound puns, preferably around five or so. Thanks! ~Bella, New York City

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Ultrasound? Ow, my ear hertz!
  2. Ultrasounds can be used to detect gravidy.
  3. John Lennon was an ultrasound technician. You know, "Imaging all the People."
  4. Ultrasound machines are unreliable. They break down with high frequency.



YOU CAN'T SPLIT THIS COUPLE

Dear Pun Gents, puns for a bachelorette party at a bowling alley. ~Michelle, Chicago

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Let's get lane tonight.
  2. Your balls will not be spared.
  3. Fingering Balls



A LOT RIDES WITH YOU

Dear Pun Gents, I need some puns that combine driving and cycling. They need to promote cycling. ~London, UK

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Get out of your car. You're never two tired to ride.
  2. Bikers aren't crazy. They're just cyclopathic.
  3. Don't Door-a- the explorer. Watch for cyclists.
  4. Don't piss off a cyclist. They get cranky.



PLANET OF THE APS

Dear Pun Gents, a pun for a government AP class sweatshirt. ~Jhudora, Redwood City, CA

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. What's AP?
  2. AP go lucky
  3. When you work in the government, you get to take an AP all day.
  4. Class AP all the way



MAKE YOURSELF YOUTHFUL

Dear Pun Gents, I need a pun related to youth, performing arts, music, science or something relevant for a youth showcase exhibit. ~Nhi, Sydney, Australia

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Youthed Goods
  2. Pro-Teen Power
  3. Kidzhibit



DO THESE SHORTS MAKES MY BATON LOOK GOOD?

Dear Pun Gents, We need a team name for a dozen women running a relay race:  a 'Saints' race in June and a 'Sinners' race in October. ~Wendy, Pleasant Grove, UT

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Chicks with Styx
  2. The Lois Lanes
  3. Batoning the Hatches
  4. Apostles of Hustle



LEND ME YOUR YEARS

Dear Pun Gents, we're making t-shirts to advertise our 3-D yearbook, and need a pun on the back to get people talking. ~Adam, Duluth, GA

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Our students are multi-dimensional.
  2. Life begins at three-D.
  3. What's weirder than a 3D yearbook? A graduating cylinder!



PARTICLE-ULAR REQUEST

Dear Pun Gents, I need a scientific pun for the word 'mole'. ~Ashley, Sacramento, CA

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Avocado's Number: The amount of particles in a guaco mole.
  2. Those who study moles have compound interests.
  3. Avogadro claimed to have cured acne--by showing that, even if you had 6.02 x 10^^23 zits on your face, they are still just the size of one mole.



SHOOT UP A WEDDING

Dear Pun Gents, I need a pun about wedding photographers! ~Monica, Santa Monica, CA

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. The bride and groom deserve to be shot!
  2. The bride shows a lot of composition
  3. I wouldn't Portrait this day for anything.
  4. Wedding photographer's favourite flowers? Posies.



EAR WAXING POETIC

Dear Pun Gents, I'm writing a term paper on cochlear implants and need some puns for the titles of different sections. Anything about cochlear implants, signal processing, or the history of them. ~Krista, St. Louis, MO

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Cochly Accent
  2. Pinna Tail on the Donkey
  3. Where Do We Go From Hear?
  4. That's Auditory!
  5. Beethoven's Fifth Tympani



FIELDING EACH OTHER UP

Dear Pun Gents, I need a pun for a company Halloween-costume contest. We're two girls dressed in softball uniforms; what can we be? ~Lisa, Chicago

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Bat the Bone
  2. Bleacher Blondes
  3. The Hosox





10/06/2009

KERNELS OF WISDOM

Dear Pun Gents, a pun about popcorn. ~Isabella, San Francisco

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. 'Pop' literature is often described as Orvillian
  2. Punsters tend to pop corny jokes.
  3. I microwaved it for hours but it wouldn't pop. That's pretty hard corn!



DODGY REQUEST

Dear Pun Gents, I need a good team name for my school dodge-ball tournament. Any dodge-ball puns? ~Jimmy, O'Fallon, MO

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Motherduckers
  2. Balls to the Wall
  3. Dodge Ram
  4. Dodgins and Dragons




BLAST THE MUSIC

Dear Pun Gents, something to do with Islamic terrorists and music....maybe techno? ~Joe, London UK

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Why techno? What's wrong with "La Bomba"?
  2. Iraq and Roll
  3. Starbucks is selling terrorist albums. Enjoy one with a nice decap cappuccino.
  4. Too Legit Tikrit
  5. Biggie Somalis?
  6. It's the All Jazz Era!



JOHN COUGAR TENNIS CAMP

Dear Pun Gents, I need a team name for some ladies in their forties going to Florida for a tennis tournament/ladies weekend.  ~Christi, Lafayette, LA

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. 40-Love
  2. Net Worth
  3. Balls to the Wall
  4. High Strung Ladies



10/05/2009

DRESSED FOR SUSSEX

Dear Pun Gents, I need a name for a business. I am provide events entertainment evenings. I live in Sussex. I like words like dream, surreal, fun etc. I've worked hard to get here, so something proud and memorable. Easy to say too. Many thanks. ~Laura, Worthing, West Sussex, UK

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Everything's Evening Out
  2. Surreality Show
  3. Dreamatic







JORDANCE ACADEMY?

Dear Pun Gents, a pun about Katie Price opening a school ~Ashna, Peterborough

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Model student?
  2. Implanting her knowledge
  3. Come in with an A, graduate with an F!



SIGHTS AND SOUNDS

Dear Pun Gents, I need a pun to relate hearing loss to the theme of sun and beaches for an annual snow festival parade. ~Chandace, Durango, CO

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Totally Deaf Beach Jam



PAINT EXPRESSIONS

Dear Pun Gents, a pun using 'paint', 'painter', 'painting', color, etc. I'm brainstorming business name ideas ~Mike, Mason, TX

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Painting Like A Dog
  2. Chromezone
  3. Coloroform
  4. Brush with Destiny
  5. Colorflower





OPTOMETRUS PRIME

Dear Pun Gents, we are making t-shirts for pre-optometry club and i need something funny; something to do with sight. ~Ellen, Minneapolis, MN

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. 'See' is the best grade.
  2. We put the eye in team.
  3. A sight for four eyes.




COUG COUG CA CHOO

Dear Pun Gents, I'm starting a show choir for elementary school kids. Our mascot is the cougar. Any ideas for a group name involving music, cougars, or both? ~Kris, New Haven, CT

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Simon and Cougarfunkel
  2. Mountain Lines
  3. Pumagic


9/16/2009

THE ANTLER, MY FRIEND, IS BLOWING IN THE WIND

Dear Pun Gents, I need something to use for a deer processing business. ~Liza, Smithville, MS

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Skinnergy
  2. Venison, Anyone?
  3. The Buck Stops Here
  4. Organ Grindeers
  5. Faundooze
  6. Attila the Hunter's



BAIT ACCOMPLI

Dear Pun Gents, I need a witty slogan for a retiring boss that somehow includes "Gone Fishin". ~Aimee, Daytona Beach, FL

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. His employment has been nuked- he's gone fission.
  2. Caught and Released: Gone Fishin',
  3. Bait to Rest: Gone Fishin'
  4. Gone Fishin: What a Bassturd!



WARD GAMES

Dear Pun Gents, I am taking a group of nurses and student nurses to a children's hospital to play board games with them. I need a name for the project please.  ~Jessia, Summit, MS

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Intensive Karaoke
  2. ICU! A Game of Hide and Seek.
  3. Stretcher Imagination
  4. Gurney to the Centre of the Earth



ALIASININE

Dear Pun Gents, I need a good pun name to use as an Internet alias. To give you an idea of what I want, here are a few of the names I've been using:
  • Major Disaster
  • General Havok
  • The Duke of Duchesses
  • The Marquis of Marquees

~John, Brownwood


AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Corporal Pun-ishment
  2. Queen of Meaning
  3. Private Info
  4. My Name is URL
  5. Duke of URL
  6. Twitter and the Monkey Man
  7. Captain Captcha




LOVE ASHLEY

Dear Pun Gents, my wife and I have been trying to think of an alias for her. She's submitting some pin-up photos of her and our dog to a calendar that benefits dog shelters. Her real first name is: Ashley; Middle name: Christine. She is blonde with green eyes. Any suggestions? ~Fred, Arlington ,TX

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Daschund Damsel
  2. Hot under the Collie
  3. Hot dogs, with nice buns!
  4. The Green Eyed Blondster




DO THESE GENES MAKE ME LOOK FAT?

Dear Pun Gents, we need a name for our genetic research engineering team (GRET). ~Hilary, Ann Arbor, MI

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Expect GRET Things
  2. The Chromozone
  3. Helix the World
  4. Slogan: We don't XY. We just do it.


9/10/2009

DRIER SENSE OF HUMOR

Dear Pun Gents, We need a funny/suggestive/witty team name for a washer-pitching contest. ~Logan, Lubbock, TX

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Appliance Science
  2. Tossed My Load
  3. Spinning Club
  4. Cyclepaths



CHAMELEON OVER SOME TIME

Dear Pun Gents, I need a name for a veiled chameleon (unsure about whether it'll be male or female). I'm a complete and total biology nerd, so feel free to be all kinds of nerdy with it! ~Renee, Kent, OH

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Chameflage
  2. Mister Hide
  3. Chame Milo T[ea]
  4. Disguys [if you had two of them]
  5. Masquito



GLOBAL WARNING

Dear Pun Gents, I am doing a class project at college. Theme: the environment. I'm doing an ad campaign to make people aware of the issues. I feel that using puns would make my posters more appealing. And so I need puns on topics such as global warming, climate change, vandalism, litter, pollution etc. ~Jenna, Manchester, UK

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Are you illitterate?
  2. We should strive for 0% litteracy.
  3. Agreen with me yet?
  4. I prefer my ice caps frozen.
  5. Our future. Let's planet better.



HIRED EDUCATION

Dear Pun Gents, I am in Human Resource Management class and we have to come up with group names. I need of something fun and relevant. Thanks! ~Lisa, Jacksonville, Fla

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Hired Education
  2. Menagement: A Fun Office Threesome
  3. Hunan Resources [for Chinese labour issues]
  4. Job Specs: We See Clearly


8/24/2009

WEDDING THE APPETITE

Dear Pun Gents, my sister's bachelorette party is in San Francisco. A random group is going - some bridesmaids, some friends. I need something fun and creative to put on the t-shirts. ~Liz, Chicago

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Marriage, You Wanna?
  2. You're Making Me Wed
  3. Go For a Bride With Me
  4. Silicone Valley Girls




BALLISTIC BRIDES

Dear Pun Gents, need a softball team name for our pre-wedding interfamily game (bride's side).  Any ideas? ~Dana, Kenosha WI

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Catcher If You Can
  2. Lineup at the Altar
  3. Wedding Pitchers
  4. Batting Her Eyes



8/07/2009

GOOD TIDE-INGS!

Dear Pun Gents, I'm chairing a school charity auction with an ocean beach/seashore theme and need some good plays on word for written communications to parents/donors. ~D, Washington DC

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Seas the day!
  2. We are surfing the community.
  3. Sand money now.
  4. We'll be selling tide-dyed shirts



7/31/2009

PRETTY HOT BEACHES

Dear Pun Gents, nine girls are moving into a college campus house and all the houses have short funny names that are painted on signs (eg: Tequila Mockingbird, etc.) We live on Beach street so anything with that, or nine girls or kites (our sorority symbol is a kite). Thanks!  ~Bonnie, Columbus, OH

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. 'Neuf Said [if you speak French]
  2. Kite Club
  3. Pledger Island


7/27/2009

COMING SOON: THE RING

Dear Pun Gents, our wedding save-the-date card is a film noir movie poster and we need a Gene Shalit-style punny one-liner about marriage as if it were a film review. ~Karen, Los Angeles

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. The Quick and the Wed
  2. Starring 'May Weds'
  3. Aisle be back.
  4. Thrill bride of the summer!
  5. Shake your bonboniere.



SLOT LIQUORS

Dear Pun Gents, My wife and I own a bar, which also includes a liquor store and casino. We need a cool pun for our new hats and t-shirts. ~Tom, Frenchtown, MT

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Your win-dough to the world.
  2. Who's up for some slotty behaviour?
  3. Gamble on in!



MY CORNY POP

Dear Pun Gents, Something about popcorn, like "Look who's poppin' into 7th grade." Mix of school and popcorn. ~John, Houston

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Kernels of wisdom
  2. You should be doing butter in school.
  3. Be one of the pop-ular kids.


7/08/2009

THE SPRINTED WORD

Dear Pun Gents, I need a good name for a running relay team! ~Christine, Whitehorse, Yukon

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Save Our Soles
  2. Batonomous Collective
  3. Baton Rouge
  4. Relay Fast




CASE OF CRABS

Dear Pun Gents, I'm handing out crab mallets as favors for a bridal shower with a crab-cake recipe. Need a clean pun related to crab mallet, crabcakes, and marriage. ~Lauren, Lawrence, KS

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Mallet-adjusted behaviour
  2. Pre-nuptial claws
  3. Don't put up with any crab!
  4. You can't be shellfish in marriage.



MOBSTER TRAP

Dear Pun Gents, I need a pun involving mobsters. ~Timothy, Mount Morris, NY

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Why did Tony kill his Amway supplier? The Soap ran out.
  2. Mobster puns are the corleone-ist.
  3. Movie about the death of a mobster: Don to Dust
  4. Mobsters are pansies: they act so Sicily.
  5. Mobster porn: Good Phallus.




WEDDING TRAIN

Dear Pun Gents, I have to do a best man speech for guy who is interested in model railways, loves Top Gun and eats loads of bacon - any decent ideas? ~Ed, Ripon, UK

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. She'll have him at her bacon call.
  2. His fiance trained him well.
  3. He's a railly lucky guy.
  4. When I heard he was getting married I thought he had a loco motive.


7/07/2009

THE HURLERS

Dear Pun Gents, I need a saying for an alumni softball tournament t-shirt. I am from a small town and drinking is a hobby. The pun can be about softball, drinking, or both! ~Elise, Welsh

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Playing softball is a wasted opportunity
  2. Play too much softball and, afterward, you'll spend all night hurling.
  3. Why do pitchers scrath their balls on the mound? Because it's slope itch.




GET BAKED AT WORK

Dear Pun Gents, our legal department is having a team community volunteer baking event for a children's charity. Can you help us with a slogan? Thanks. ~Michele, Chadds Ford, PA (Long-time fan)

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Too many cookies spoil the broth
  2. Well-bread Children
  3. The Apple of Your Pie
  4. Leaven Let Die
  5. Live on a Dessert Island
  6. Go Yeast, Young Man


6/16/2009

SCHWINNING TRADITION

Dear Pun Gents, something about bicycling running in the family. It's in my DNA, in my blood, family history of interest in the sport--I am in the cycling industry and work for Shimano in the OEM department. Hope that helps? ~Adam, Mission Viejo, CA

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. A tradition you can't brake.
  2. Never two tired to ride.
  3. Give the kids their ride-alin.
  4. It starts in the early gears.
  5. My mom gave birth to Schwinns.
  6. I love the rolling hills. I feel like Bianchi Knolls [Beyonce Knowles].


5/29/2009

TAKE YOUR BREAST SHOT

Dear Pun Gents, I am looking for a pun to go along with field hockey and breast cancer. We are having a fundraiser and are looking for something funny and catchy that has to do with both. ~Heidi, Watertown, WI

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Women shouldn't get penalized just for crossing the boob line.
  2. Pay attention in the faceoff areola.
  3. The Old Mammo Grammas!
  4. There's no "I" in tumour.
  5. Victory requires a cancerted effort.



5/26/2009

NGOOD TIMES

Dear Pun Gents, anything to do with a charity worker helping out in Africa. Or to do with mercy ships, for a profile title. ~Myra, Auckland, New Zealand

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Mercy Beaucoup
  2. Holy Ship!
  3. When All Help Breaks Loose



BBW SEEKS GOOD TIME

Dear Pun Gents, I need a 'Beach Bachelorette Weekend' t-shirt slogan. ~Rachel, Baltimore, MD

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Bachelortourette's Syndrome: Having a F***in' Good Time!
  2. Sugar Rays
  3. Dune Bunnies
  4. BBW Seeks Good Time



THE NERD DO WELLS

Dear Pun Gents, I need a pun for a state trivia team. Preferably something nerdy, but not so much as laypeople won't understand it. Thanks a lot! ~Tiernan, Lismore, New South Wales, Australia

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Trebekistan
  2. La Triviata
  3. Know South Wales
  4. Buzzerkers [if you ring in with a buzzer]



WHAT'S ON THE VENUE TONIGHT?

Dear Pun Gents, I need a name for a smaller special events venue I want to open—on Main St. in Littleton, CO—cherished family gatherings, etc. Need a clever title—I can only do Hallmark titles. Enjoy a laugh! ~Karen, Littleton, CO

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Tony Little's: It's a Little Tony
  2. Women Are From Venues
  3. Sunny and Cherish
  4. The Main Squeeze



5/07/2009

'SACK FLY

Dear Pun Gents, I need a pun to put on t-shirts for a fundraiser for testicular cancer. It is a father-son baseball game. Players will wear the shirts and we will also sell them to raise money. ~Sarah, Appleton

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Going Going Gonad
  2. Keep Your Eye on the Ball
  3. Jock Rockers



TREBEK ON THE WAGON

Dear Pun Gents, I'm hosting a 'Jeopardy' meeting for folks in drug and alcohol recovery. I need puns for categories/answers pertaining to alcohol, drugs, recovery, 12-step programs, etc.  These people love to laugh, so have fun with this! ~Lou, Spring Hill, FL

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Impotent Potables
  2. Famous Crack-pots
  3. Bought the Pharma
  4. Addictionary Quiz
  5. Rehabiblical Figures



RUG DOCTOR

Dear Pun Gents, my friend is getting married; he plays rugby. ~Paul, Bath, UK

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. She agreed to marry? He must have rugged her.
  2. Massive props, my friend.



ARCH ENEMIES

Dear Pun Gents, I need an architecture pun for our office's softball league. The firm's name is FMG. It can be a slogan. ~Jamie, Philadelphia, PA

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Arch Rivals
  2. Burn Them in FMG
  3. If You Build It, They Will Come...
  4. Ballhalla



AMBLING ADDICTION

Dear Pun Gents, I'm looking for a team name for a Walk Across America relay we are doing at work, an all-woman team. ~Erin, Worcester, MA

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. The Broadrunners
  2. Crosswalk Crew
  3. Chicks with (Walking) Sticks



RED EYE SPECIAL

Dear Pun Gents, I've invented a Spanish verb board game called "Verb IT" which is a race thru Latin America . The red-eyed tree frog is the the mascot of the game. Need wordplay on  frogs, learning verbs, racing. ~Carol, Peterborough, ON

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Trick or Tree?
  2. The red-eyed tree frog eats words. It's verbivorous.
  3. It's important to have good learning habitats.



4/19/2009

PUN RAISING

Dear Pun Gents, a pun that involves the words 'charity' and 'fundraising' to put in a headline. ~Christopher, London, UK

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Fundraising social event: Share a Tea and Crumpets
  2. Charity Deer Hunt: Blow some doe and raze a few bucks! It's fawn for everyone. Cull now if you've herd of it!




NICE JAWB

Dear Pun Gents, a pun on dentures. ~Monica, Scottsdale, AZ

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. I saw someone denture car. Call in the police choppers!
  2. With the immiment world labour shortage, old people will be forced into dentured servitude.
  3. The really ancient Romans were known as the denturions.



CRUDE HUMOUR, REFINED

Dear Pun Gents, We are looking for a name for a slo-pitch team. We are an oilfield based company. ~Eric, Edmonton, AB

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Louisville Slaggers
  2. Black Gold Sox: We rigged the Series!
  3. Crude Crew
  4. Sorry I Bit U, Man
  5. This Is A Batting Drill



COMMUNITY JEST

Dear Pun Gents, I need a pun for a Relay for Life event, for a cure for cancer. The theme is  Monopoly  and our spot is Waterworks. Thanks ~Pam, Sheridan

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) Water works compared to faith? You gotta believe.
2) Ending cancer isn't just a pipe dream [play on words].



4/09/2009

AD NO SEE EM

Dear Pun Gents, I need a pun name for charity that supports blind people, something to do with eyes ~Edward, Wye, Kent, UK

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Aye For an Eye
  2. Eye Ful Towers
  3. Construction Sight
  4. Site For Sore Eyes [the website]
  5. Vision Statement


3/26/2009

SOXUAL TENSION

Dear Pun Gents, I am doing a project on sox genes and their involvement in nervous system development, and figure the word "sox" is too pun-worthy to pass up for the title. ~Daire, Cork, Ireland

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Sox On, Genes Off?
  2. Do your sox match your genes
  3. A lack of sox affects your genes.



WHOSE TOURNEY IS IT?

Dear Pun Gents, I need a name for a field hockey tournament with a witty pun on the word 'tournament.' Tournamental has been done but something along those lines would be rad! ~Sean, Leicester, UK

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Welcome to Hell: The Eternal Tourney
  2. Tournamenthol: Get Smoked!
  3. Tourney Solutions
  4. A Tourney General



OPHTHAL LOT OF NERVE

Dear Pun Gents, I am an optometry student and we are trying to make funny t-shirts. Do you have any optometry puns? ~Kacie, Bloomington, IN

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Ophthalmus Prime
  2. Cornea Slogan Here
  3. Eye heart (vitreous) humor
  4. Spare the rod, spoil the cone
  5. Lens be friends
[See more of our optometry puns]


GENE SUMMONS

Dear Pun Gents, I'm looking for the name of a medical centre that includes the word gene. Thanks! ~Astrid, Brighton, UK

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Medical Agenecy
  2. Home o' Genius
  3. The Gene Store



ROLLY POLLY

Dear Pun Gents, could you help me with a roller derby name as well? I like pirates, ninjas, and Japan. Whatcha think? ~Megan, Johns Island, SC

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Booty Queen
  2. Galleon Gal
  3. Angelina Jolly (Roger)
  4. DoJo-anne


3/09/2009

GREYED EXPECTATIONS

Dear Pun Gents, something related to grey. ~Bob (long-time fan)

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. That's so grey.
  2. Puns about shades are just greyed!
  3. The Greyed-full Dead should retire.
  4. Old folks home have greys before meals.


3/06/2009

RUST IN PEACE

Dear Pun Gents, I need a pun for a title of my science project dealing with the rusting of a wheel. ~Miles, Cincinatti, OH

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. I never thought it would rust, but wheely I spoke too soon.
  2. Don't let your wheels succumb to moisture. This is an oxidant waiting to happen.
  3. Is this about bikes? We're two tired for this request.
  4. How re-tireded can you get?


3/05/2009

BLANK SLEIGHT (OF HAND)

Dear Pun Gents, anything magic related, playing cards etc. ~ Russ, London, UK

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Want to see some killer tricks? Say abra cadaver.
  2. The rookie magician got it all wrong by poking out one of his own eyes. "But, " he said, "That's how I saw her in half."



I-SHOP

Dear Pun Gents, I need a pun about being a shopaholic. Thanks! ~Melissa, Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia (Long-time fan)

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. I used to spend too much money, but now, as Dylan sang, the times they are a change cha- ching.
  2. Every weekend I get malled.
  3. Shopping: I'm debt set against it.



BACHELORETTES, OR BATCH OF HARLOTS?

Dear Pun Gents, I'm hosting a bachelorette party and I'd like to make name tags with slightly naughty fake pun names for the girls. I have a couple of examples: Carmen Geddit (Come and get it), Ima Teese (I'm a tease). I need 10 more if possible! ~Holly, New Orleans

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Katia Lukin
  2. Ida Ho
  3. Bea A. Slutsky
  4. Pussy Horlick
  5. Isla Jackoff
  6. JAime LeCoque [French!]
  7. Lou Kat Maya Melons
  8. Colonel Angus
  9. Anna Lingus
  10. Sheila Godown


2/27/2009

BE PRE PAREDY

Dear Pun Gents, a pun for a group of Cub Scouts going to day camp in the summer. The name of the camp is Camp Kiesel. ~Kent, Layton, UT

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Make sure to eat your lunch: it's Kiesel fuel.
  2. Scouting is the best: it's Akela experience
  3. Choosing your bunkmate is the most difficult part: It's two in tents!



YOU'VE GOT SOME NIRVANA!

Dear Pun Gents, a pun on enlightenment, please. ~Sasmita, Toronto

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. North Americans will never know enlightenment, because they follow Waste-earn philosophies.
  2. Puke extra hard, and you'll reach heavin'.
  3. Pee losophers avidly pursure whizdom.
  4. Sitting under a thundercloud is also very enlightning.



PEEDAL OVER THE PLACE

Dear Pun Gents, a pun that involves the themes '(20th) anniversary', 'cycling', and 'future plans'. ~Kate, Shrewsbury, Shropshire, UK

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. The Geariatric Society
  2. It's our BikeCentennial Year!
  3. We're All Years



LANE DUCKS

Dear Pun Gents, we need a bowling team name for a legal department in a health care system. ~Monica, Neptune, NJ

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Strike it From the Record
  2. Spare Ribs [for the organ donor team]
  3. WeBowla [ebola?]
  4. The Epi-pins


2/23/2009

DERBY TROUBLE COMING

Dear Pun Gents, I need a roller derby name. bad. I love vintage 50's robots and pin-up girls, Chuck Palahniuk, Holden Caulfield, Neko Case, and biology. Go! ~Jaime, Burlington, VT (Long-time fan)

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Rakill Welch
  2. Cowcatcher in the Rye
  3. Neko 'Homicide' Case
  4. Fight Club Feet
  5. The Mitosichist [cellular mitosis?]



ETHI DOES IT

Dear Pun Gents, I need a pun for a clever paper title on the problems of state building in Ethiopia, related to ethnic federalism, Eritrea, or [Ethiopian prime minister] Meles Zenawi. ~Blair, Vancouver

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Ethnic federalism: it's not Ethi
  2. Trouble in Ethiopia: it Addis up
  3. Meles Left to Go
  4. Ze Time is Zenawi
  5. Zenawi was like a football quarterback in 1979: He threw a Hailemariam pass.



DIABETEAM

Dear Pun Gents, I need a team name for the Tour de Cure for diabetes, a charity ride. It is a friend/family team; my wife Betsy has diabetes. We thought of Team (finger) PRICKS, but want some other ideas. ~Kent, Layton, UT

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Blood Sugar Daddies
  2. Type Won
  3. Winsulin
  4. We Glucose Together


2/13/2009

FOREIGNICATION NATION

Dear Pun Gents, I need a pun about working with (not for) foreign governments. ~Natalie, New York City

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. You're either foreign us or you're against us.
  2. Let's promote foreignication
  3. I don't xe no phobias!
  4. Sucking up to foreign leaders? That's called multi-flatteralism.
  5. UN aided we stand, divided we fall.



HIT ME WITH YOUR BEST SHOSTA

Dear Pun Gents, I need a kid-friendly pun on the composer's name 'Shostakovich' ~Randal, Madison, WI

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Didn't Bob Marley cover him in that reggae song, "I Shostakovich... (But I Didn't Shoot the Dmitri)"?
  2. Didn't he get arrested for slipper theft? You know, Shoes Take ovich?
  3. Russian businessmen listen to his music during Shostile Takeovers.


2/10/2009

AVE ATQUE VALENTINE

Dear Pun Gents, I need a terrible (but clean) Valentine's Day pun. ~Timothy, Arlington, VA

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Feb u marry me?
  2. Ave atque Valetine.
  3. You're my Val Gal.
  4. VD - I'm spreading my cheer.



PUNS AND AMMO(NIA)

Dear Pun Gents, I need a catchy title for a science fair project comparing three types of cleaners used on cafeteria tables. I swabbed the table before and after and measured the bacteria that grew. There were lots of bacteria before the tables were cleaned and all cleaners (as well as water) did well cleaning the tables. ~Jeneen, Centreville, VA

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Son of a Bleach!
  2. If this project didn't work I would come bacteria-eyed
  3. Let us Spray.


1/26/2009

JAZZMATAZZ

Dear Pun Gents, something based on "Homerton Jazz play at the bar" for a gig. [Homerton is a college at Cambridge University] ~Sophie, Cambridge, UK

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Live Sax Show
  2. Catch the Coltrane
  3. Rhythm and Booze
  4. Musical Bars (Not the sheet kind either)



JAIL US LOVERS

Dear Pun Gents, puns about inmates please. ~Sybilla, Austin, TX

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Inmates? Yes, prison is an inn where you might find a mate.
  2. Inmates who dream of escape have tunnel vision.
  3. Alcoholic inmates feel at home behind bars.
  4. Was Sauron sentenced for first-degree Mordor?
  5. Will the inmate get out early? Parolebably.



GENITAL ORDER

Dear Pun Gents, am looking for a tagline for a male circumcision campaign to encourage uncircumcised males to do it, an HIV prevention initiative. ~Edwin, Nairobi, Kenya

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Circum size don't matter.
  2. Circumcise? HIV Five!
  3. Cut yourself some slack. It's no skin off your back.
  4. Get laid, not AIDS.
  5. To paraphrase Abe Lincoln, this is something that should have taken place foreskin and seven years ago.



BUREAUCRASTINATION

Dear Pun Gents, I need a team name for a work group of evaluators that look to cut waste in government spending. ~Michael, Spokane, WA

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. The Efficiency Ax-perts
  2. CutCo Knives
  3. FBI: Federal Bureau of Invigoration
  4. The Trim Jims
  5. How Kan ye Waste?



E.M. FORSTER'S LAGER

Dear Pungents, I'd like an alcohol-related pun on a famous English author or poet's name. Thanks! ~Will, Oxford, UK

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. English authors are substance abusers. If they're not drinking they're Tolkien. They get riled up like the Woolfman.
  2. Who was the biggest alcoholic? A.A. Milne.
  3. Was Pope an abstainer?
  4. Harold Pinter liked beer.
  5. Ruddyard Kipling was always red in the face.
  6. Who was a generous drunk? Lord Buyround.


1/14/2009

KISS MY GAS

Dear Pungents, our school is doing a "Santa goes green' concert, and the penguins are protesting the use of nonrenewable forms of energy. Got any slogans that the penguins might put on their protest signs? Thanks! ~Jill, Clearwater, FLA

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT [a bit late for Xmas, sorry Jill!]
  1. Fuelish Behaviour
  2. Give Gas a Pass
  3. Flip Oil the Bird
  4. Oil is UnSanta-tary



WHEN HARRY MET SALMAN

Dear Pungents, how about puns twisting famous authors' names into idioms? What got me started was seeing a shirt that said "My way or the Hemingway." What else can we do with author's names and idioms/aphorisms/cliches? Maybe if Shakespeare met Descartes... "I think therefore iamb?" ~Mike, Warren, OH

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Blame It on the Twain
  2. The Wrath of Seuss
  3. If the shoe Fitzgerald, let him wear it.
  4. Austen Yonkers



DON'T BE A POTTY POOPER

Dear Pungents, I need a pun about an ultrasound that shows that my baby won't be one of those pooping babies. ~Noetica, Oakland, CA

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. This ultrasound is really grainy: you can't see shit.
  2. You won't know if you're baby is a pooper until the turd trimester.
  3. If you're too meticulous during your pregnancy, you'll get a poopy baby. So don't keep a baby log, or write a diarrhea.


11/12/2008

JOG THE MEMORY

Dear Pungents, I need a few good puns about cross-country running. ~Will, Atlanta, Georgia

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Diarrhea afflicts cross country athletes a lot: it's a case of the runs.
  2. Cross-country runners love to chase trail.
  3. How do runners get to work? They take the terrain.
  4. Running amid sharp branches could cut open your jogular.



SEE YOU IN HALOGEN!

Dear Pungents, a politically correct but still amusing pun for the element bromine, for a class assignment. ~Chloe, Fernandina Beach

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Bromine is the only liquid non-metal: that takes a lot of peri audacity.
  2. I decided to take potassium bromide after a convulsation with my doctor.
  3. Leaving bromine in a room full of iodides is a oxidant waiting to happen.


11/10/2008

ELLIPTICAL BOHR BITS

Dear Pungents, I need something about Niels Bohr, preferably a physics joke. ~Samantha, Dallas-Forth Worth, Texas

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Kneels Boar was known for fellating pigs. He was insecure about his manhood, especially compared to Max Planck.
  2. Bohr disagreed with Einstein. After all, he New tons.
  3. He could have invented particle accelerators, but they were too Bohr-ring.



LOST WAGES, NEVADA

Dear Pungents, a pun on gambling--dice rolls or luck-based. ~Alex, Belfast, Northern Ireland

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. The Vatican is against gambling--except for games of Gregorian chance.
  2. Gambling addicts have a hard time earning a living wager.
  3. Dice Another Day (Double Owe Seven?)



POW WOW

Dear Pungents, I'm a longtime World of Warcraft player and I need a pun for a Tauren deathknight for the upcoming expansion. Outdo "Grazethedead" please. ~Kurt, Bellevue, Washington

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Member of the Piece Corpse.
  2. Tauren a hole in the wall.



VAGEWELRY? TWAT DID YOU SAY?

Dear Pungents, I've got a line of jewelery based around vaginas. I'm looking for some puns based around vaginas for my website. Please help as I'm not funny ~Beth, Leeds, UK

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Muff and polish your jewelry.
  2. I do like beaver pelts, but not vagina jewels.
  3. Diamonds in the muff.
  4. Time to go muff diamond.
  5. Evulvalution in jewelry.
  6. Present it to your loved one in the vulva'd-covered box.



TEST OUR METAL

Dear Pungents, I need a pun that uses the word nickel, and incorporates the fact that it doesn't corrode. ~Rhiannon, Calgary, Alberta

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Nickel doesn't corrode: it's metal-allergic to rust.
  2. I can't find rust on a nickel using my five centses.
  3. Unlike a cowboy, nickel doesn't corrode into the sunset.


10/18/2008

LET'S GET PHYSICS-ILL

Dear Gents, I need a pun that incorporates the sciences and music. Preferably from the current pop culture or maybe rap/reggaeton. ~Jazmin, La Jolla, CA

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Math-ter P
  2. Yo G = 9.8 m/s2
  3. The law of afro-ges?
  4. When you combine Beethoven and Mozart, what do you get? Moz Deaf



VICTORY IS LONG OVERDUDE

Dear Gents, a group of my friends and I are in a Big Lebowski bowling tourney this weekend and need a team name. Any help? ~Jeff, Denver, CO

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. The Big Strikeowski
  2. Flea our Wrath (We're Good Gutter Players)
  3. Spara Reid



MORE WHITES BEHIND BARS?

Dear Pungents, I would like a pun about a white chocolate bar called White Delight. ~Beci, Liverpool, UK

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Cocoahead
  2. Certainly whiter than Eminem's...
  3. Mt. Fudgey
  4. Chocasian!


10/04/2008

MELISSAS OVER MALAYSIA

Dear Pungents, something with the name 'Melissa' please. ~Melissa, Johor Bahru, Malaysia

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT
  1. Melissa is so mean: she's full of Melissa-essness.
  2. Sikhs find her so attractive: she's a Sikh-heating Melissa'l.
  3. Melissa, my lass.



ALL'S FAIRIE IN LOVE AND WAR

Dear Pungents, an aggressive name for a roller derby skater using the word pixie or fairie. ~Mark

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Fairie Dangerous
  2. The Pixie Dickheads
  3. Pixie Your Nose.
  4. Wheel Fairie You to Your Death.



HERE'S A SLOW PITCH

Dear Pungents, I need something related to special education; irreverant is ok! I have taught sp.ed. for 18 years and have a great sense of humor about it. ~Christine, Cleveland, Ohio

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Retarded amputee children have special knees.
  2. ADHD kids love puns -- they need their riddlin' on a daily basis.
  3. Special ed classrooms are very secure: they're usually double- or triple-dolted.



HORNY FOR SAX

Dear Pungents, I am making saxophone section T-shirts for a marching band, and would love to include a one-liner pun about saxes. Thanks! ~Julie, Denver, Colorado

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Horny for a Blow
  2. Pay for Sax? -- Slip me a tenor!
  3. We love phone-Sax
  4. We reed music.
  5. We toot our own horns.



HOTEL WORKERS ON STRIKE

Dear Pungents, I need a 10-pin bowling team name. We are two guys and two girls; we're in the legal department for Hilton Hotels and we have just been taken over by a group called Blackstone. ~John, London, UK

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Wearing Pin Striked Suites
  2. Balls Inn the Gutter
  3. Spare Room at the Inn?



HOOKED ON A FELINE

Dear Pungents, I play Toontown and want to name my black cat "Inna Galaxy Fur Away" but it keeps getting rejected. Any help with a play on words would be appreciated. Thanks a million! ~Tina, Louisville, Kentucky

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Furrocious
  2. Clawedball
  3. CTRL-Tabby
  4. Jack Black Cat



CATEGORICAL NONSENSE

Dear Pungents, I need some puns for categories on an email I am sending: classical is the first, then R&B and soul, and hard rock and metal. ~Eve, Maidenhead

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Head of the Classical
  2. Souler System
  3. Hard Rock Abs
  4. Breakfast at R&B's [Arby's]
  5. Gold Metal
  6. Test Your Metal



FOLLOW THE SMELLODY

Dear Pungents, my school choir is running a concession stand for various sports, and we want a musically related pun as a name for the stand, that might also have to do with us selling snacks. Any ideas? ~Callie, Florence, Oregon

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. The clef'd palette
  2. A-choir snacks here.
  3. Our food will make (m)u sic.
  4. Bar. Rest. Beat (it).
  5. Follow the smellody
  6. Hummus a tuna?
  7. Porchestra
  8. Your stomach's in treble.


9/17/2008

RHODES TO RICHES

Dear Pungents, I need a pun for an article about film stars (actors, directors etc) who go on to success after studying at Oxford University. I've got 'From dreaming spires to screaming admirers' but I need something punchier. ~Guy, Oxford, UK

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. From Oxford to Oscar
  2. From Oxford to Fox's Door
  3. Hired Education
  4. Academia to the Academy
  5. Do the Oxtrot
  6. They Rhodes into the Sunset
  7. From Latin Mass to Matinee Lass



STEREO TYPING

Dear Pungents, can I get a few puns on racism? Not racist puns obviously—I'm mixed-race—but dealing with the subject, maybe making fun of racists if you understand. Thanks. Big up, keep doin ya things. ~Ed Azocul, Glucoseville

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. How do you get rid of racism? Erasism.
  2. Racists are nutty. Just look at the cuckoo klux klan.



FARM TEAM

Dear Pungents, our touch football team needs a new name, we are being sponsored by a fruit and veg company so would love any reference to that to be a part of it. ~Steph, Brisbane, Australia

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Strawberry Fields Forever
  2. Time to Grow a Pear
  3. We Will Squash You
  4. Quit Punkin ON Us



I LIKE BIG BATONS AND I CANNOT LIE

Dear Pungents, I need a pun for a marathon relay team name. Each member of the team will run a half-marathon for the first time. Thanks. ~Brian, New York City

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Relay Fast Runners
  2. Baton Rookies
  3. I Like Big Batons



SUIT-ONYM

Dear Pungents, I need a team name for my law school intramural team. We will play (American) football, baseball, and a few other sports. Anything legal jargon-y will be great! ~Matt, Austin, TX

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. The Tortoises
  2. The Laws Causes
  3. The Curly Suits
  4. Razing the Bar



NATURE NURTURE

Dear Pungents, a pun about getting children back to nature, as they are our future conservationists. ~Kendall, London, UK

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Greening up is hard to do.
  2. Nature: Youth it or lose it.
  3. Leaf it to the young people.
  4. Taught young bawdies.



KEEP THE BALLS ROLLING

Dear Pungents, a pun for a four-person cycling team in the Real Man Challenge. Biking for testicular cancer ~Megan, London, UK

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Going Going Gonads!
  2. Teste fy!
  3. Get Behind the Eight Balls
  4. Tired of Cancer
  5. Wheel End Cancer
  6. The Droop Troup (Don't leave our members danglin')
  7. Nuts and Bolts


8/27/2008

TOP OF THE GLASS

Dear Pungents, I need a pun using the word "score" or "lead" in reference to stained glass for a home-based business. ~Jennifer, Burlington, Ontario

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1. In the Lead
2. Leader of the Glass
3. Leading Scorer

Also

4. Blame it on the Stain
5. Glass Knows (if you've got Russian clients?)


I CAN'T WAIT FOR THE BEACH TO GET MARRIED!

Dear Pungents, my sister is having a beach wedding, and I need something for a banner to put outside the reception hall AND to use at her bachelorette party. ~Leash, Mexico, Missouri

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Enter Sandmen
  2. Full Surfice Bar
  3. Wave Hello
  4. Let's get married, sunnier rather that later.



GIVE ME A CALL CUTTA

Dear Pungents, I use to have lot of friends when I was doing my MBA. But now no friends keep in touch. They don't even call. ~Apurva, Mumbia, India

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Graduating from business school has been the MBAne of our friendship.
  2. All this networking is notworking for me.
  3. Since we all got jobs in the big city, it seems like Mumbai's the word.


7/24/2008

WE NEVER GET BOWLED OF THESE REQUESTS

Dear Pungents, I need a bowling team name for three girls and a guy. We are all accountants at a CPA firm. Thanks so much. ~Sara, Destin, FL

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Accoun-ten Pins!
  2. The Money Shot
  3. Strike Gold
  4. Spare Change
  5. Split Assets



ANDRETTI, SET, GO

Dear Pungents, I am an Australian living in London, who is about to enter a cannonball-run type race across Europe called the Scumball 3000, with another Aussie. Four days to cross Europe, no rules, max car cost 500. We need a good name for our car team, something that hints at travel. All I got is the John Cole Train Delays and Ceribal Pallbearers. Any help would be appreciated. band names funny. Mention of speed / famous racers/ Steve McQueen is awesome. Help me Obi Wan... ~Dave, London, UK

AS THE PUN GENT SEE IT:
  1. Unlawful Car-nal Haulage
  2. Speed Your Pants
  3. Eurogenous Zone
  4. Rahauling Ass (Bobby Rahal)
  5. Andretti, Set, Go


7/14/2008

THE RUG MUNCHERS

Dear Pungents, I need a short-ish pun for the Oxford women's rugby team going on tour to Belgium. can be rude. ~Laura, Oxford, UK

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Spitting Flem
  2. Belchin' in Belgium
  3. Belgian up Flem
  4. The Oxford Brugesers



WE DING YOU

Dear Pungents, I need a name for a shop selling bridesmaid dresses —something like Maid in Heaven etc that is unique and isn't taken. 'Damsels in Dis-Dress' was not suitable apparently. ~Steve, Glasgow, Scotland

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Aisle Never Wear You Again
  2. Bouquet-Cocky
  3. Maid Marryin'
  4. Bridezillions



YOU CAN SMELL THE RAW FISH

Dear Pungents, apparently there's a scene in the Sex in the City movie where a girl is naked except for sushi... I thought this must have pun-tential but couldn't come up with the goods myself. Please help! ~Andy, Leeds, UK

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. The bento-ver box
  2. Ooo naghi!
  3. She gets a rice out of me.
  4. Feel like maki some love?


5/26/2008

VOW FACTOR

Dear Pungents, wedding puns please. ~Janet, Saint John, NB

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Show me the matrimony!
  2. Bride the Lightning
  3. The wedding was going to cost a gazellion dollars, so I helped my aunt elope; she said 'Thanks deer! When I saw the bill, I bissed my pants.'



BAND AID SOLUTION

Dear Pungents, I'm making a music site for musicians to network, and want to use the word 'band' and something else. It will be for the URL. ~Mollie, Spokane, WA

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT
  1. Band Together
  2. Band Job
  3. Band-Garagenous Zone
  4. Band-with




RELAY HOT CHICKS

Dear Pungents, I and seven other college-age women are competing in an 80-mile relay called Woods to Water. We need a team name that could also serve as inspiration for costumes. Help!
~Sara, Northfield, MN

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. The 8-team
  2. The Miley Sore Asses
  3. The Woody Wood-Packers
  4. Water Relaytionship!



WILD RECORD HOLDER

Dear Pungents, this service is ace! Well done. I'm going to be talking to a group of conservationists soon and would like puns based around the words 'wildlife' or 'wild', with a nature/adventure theme. If you can help that'd be amazing. cheers. ~Matt, Bristol, England

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Conservationists live the wild life.
  2. I nude you weren't just naturists!
  3. I commend you for following the natur-o-path.
  4. Well, well... it sure has been a wild.



SAND THIS INVITATION

Dear Pungents, I need beach-related puns I can use on posters to inform and invite our hospital intensive care staff to a beach party. ~Brendon, Columbus, OH

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Come on out to the sun of a beach party.
  2. We have the cure for your ocean splints.
  3. ICU at the beach.
  4. Don't be a trauma queen; come out to the beach.


5/01/2008

QUIT TASSLIN' ME, MAN

Dear Pungents, puns about strippers please. ~Sophie, Luton, England

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Do strippers charge customers by the guy rate?
  2. Be careful getting involved in stripping—there are a lot of poleitics.
  3. It's hard to get into stripping—the positions are very clothes'd off.
  4. Strippers can't play guitar. They're missing their G-string.



TEAM BUILDING

Dear Pungents, I need a bowling team name. The team consists of two guys and two girls and we are in the architecture field. ~Fred, Dallas, TX

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Strike First
  2. Lane in Ruins
  3. Bowl Faced Lies
  4. Balls to the Walls
  5. Architects of De Spare



HARDSCRABBLE EXISTENCE

Dear Pungents, a pun for a a friend's 25th birthday. She is a great fan of Scrabble and a part-time go-go dancer. ~Jason, New York City

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Letter do what she wants
  2. Spell binding
  3. Triple-Whored Score
  4. Arse and Letter



TURKEY SOLUTION

Dear Pungents, we need a name for our bowling team. We work for the Ontario Works office in Norfolk County. Any assistance would be appreciated. ~Janice, Simcoe, Ontario

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Get Folked
  2. After Works Activity
  3. Strike Workers
  4. Workers on Strike
  5. Spare Workers


4/30/2008

JETIPUS COMPLEX

Dear Pungents, a pun about psychologist suffering from jet lag. ~John, Galway, Ireland

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. My brain is totally Freud.
  2. I'm not as Jung as I used to be.
  3. I'm having trouble getting over id. (c/o Kevin De Souza)



JUST ALLELE TOO SEXY

Dear Pungents, I'm doing a presentation on the ethics of gene patents, so a few puns with 'gene' or 'patents' would make good slide headers. ~Alvin, Deland, FL

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Your patent looks good in those genes.
  2. Genes that are too restrictive can make you impatent.
  3. Breaking patent law is the KISS of Death, aka Gene Summons.
  4. Tight genes accentuate DNA.
  5. Act 1, Gene 1



COLON, FULL STOP

Dear Pungents, a name for school cafeteria cooks, please. ~Linda, Lumberton, MS

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. Animal Gruelty
  2. Stew dense
  3. Souper Intendants
  4. Ingredientertainers


4/07/2008

CASEY AT DEBIT

Dear Pungents, we are a chartered accounting firm (KPMG) that needs a name for the company slo-pitch team. ~Curtis, Kelowna, BC

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) Don't Mess with Taxes
2) The Fiscal Specimens
3) Team Gross
4) Debtor up!
5) Escrow Yourselves
6) Champions of FIFO
7) Long Drive to the GAAP
8) Junk Bonds


YOU KNOW WHAT THYMINE...

Dear Pungents, a genome-sequencing-related softball team name please! ~Purnima, Boston, MA

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) Allele Leaguers
2) The DNAsty
3) Genome Runs
4) DeoxyRBIboses (ack that's pretty bad)

2/27/2008

GOODBYE, MY HART

Dear Pungents, my uncle, Pembroke Hart, recently passed and I will be saying a few words at his service. He loved puns and I want to end my speech with one in his honour. He was a geologist and amateur star gazer. He was loved by many and had a kind heart. Can you help me? I think Hart and heart are definitely in the pun. Thanks! ~Laura, Annandale, Virginia

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) He was a geologist. Underneath the many layers is how you get to a man's Hart, after all.
2) I'm left Hart-broken.
3) He was all heart. And a Hart act to follow.
4) He loved puns. Harty Harty Har.
5) He also loved to stare at the heavens through his telescope, as the stars illuminated the sky. I guess you'd say he had a light Hart.


SON OF A PITCH

Dear Pungents, I need a name for my dental school softball team; something more catchy than Dent-in Your Face and Cavity Search--which is what we used last year. Thanks for the help! ~Jack, Philadelphia, PA

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1. Wins and Flosses
2. Who Caries?
3. The Bat Dentists
4. The Bucky Dents
5. The Plaque Socks

2/20/2008

SHINY HAPPY PATHOGENS

Dear Pungents, I'm working on a science experiment having to do with temperature and its effects on luminescent bacteria. We need a catchy name for the title. Thanks a bunch. ~Jamie, Hillsboro, Kansas

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) Shiny Happy Photobacterium
2) Lightening Rhodococcus of Controversy
3) Glow in the Dokdonella
4) The Battle of Thermophile

2/07/2008

LA TRIVIATA

Dear Pungents, we need a team name for an art trivia contest. Heavily considering your "Jackson Potlucks," since we are in Minnesota. Any other ideas? Thanks! ~Tiffany, Rochester, MN

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) The Leonerdos!
2) House of Paint
3) Pollock Bollock
4) Geek Architecture
5) The Baroquerage

1/14/2008

BIG NAME HUNTERS

Dear Pungents, I need a bowling team name for charity bowling tournament. Fairly clean is the requirement. The company sells hunting and fishing licenses if you can work that in. ~Helen, Nashville, TN

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) "Hooker's Lane."
2) "Spare Fishers."
3) "Shotgun alley."

1/03/2008

ALTOIDS GOVERN MINTS

Dear Pungents, Please give unto the world a pun regarding government. ~Colin, Sherwood Park, Alberta, Canada

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) "I live in a satirical state. It's a them-mock-racy."
2) "Politicians should take care in a demockracy - a sassy nation is always a possibility."
3) "We'd try to think of US government puns, but we're too bushed."
4) "Does Japan have a buy-camera parliament?"
5) "It's no surprise that Hillary is running for president - she always wanted to be the senator of attention."


BOWLED AND THE BEAUTIFUL

Dear Pungents, need a bowling team name pun that also incorporates substance abuse and/or disciplinary action. Bonus points if it also incorporates lawyers/the law. Thanks!!! ~Matt, Chicago, Illinois

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) "Lane down the law."
2) "Lucky strikes bowling"
3) "Here come the cops - we'd better split!"
4) "Pins and Needles."
5) "Spare me a dime for some lucky strikes?"

9/06/2007

INTELLEXICAL PROPERTY RIGHTS

Dear Pungents, I'd like a pun for patent attorneys: anything to do with science and technology, inventions, and/or the law. ~Charmaine, Denver, Colorado

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) "The Belgians are upset that they never get credit for the invention of fries. It's a case of copyright inFrenchment."
2) "Pornstars acquire property rights for their films at the trademark orifice."
3) "Counterfeit perfumes are in violation of lie-scentsing agreements."
4) "Patent law: aka the Statute of Imitations."


CRAP ARTISTS

Dear Pungents, puns please on the following words/topics: gun, gangster, grime, music , rap , freestyle, fresh. ~Xavier, Brighton, UK

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) "Someone's gunna get shot!
2) "Clean up your act, because grime doesn't pay."
3) "I didn't see the hitman's target. Did Al Cap one?"
4) "Too many cooks spoil the broth. Especially with gang-stirs."
5) "Ancient Greeks builders were known for their frieze-tiling. When they tried to throw down rhymes they didn't throw up no bricks."

8/14/2007

TOOTH OR DARE

Dear Pungents, I'm making a documentary film about dental floss. (Really.) I think I've come up with a good title: "Hanging by a Thread: A Dental Floss Documentary." And a good tag line: "There is more to floss than meets the tooth." But I wanted to check if you have other suggestions. Gary Hallock told me about your site. I'm writing a book of puns and Gary wrote the foreword for it. Thanks for your help! ~Gary, Boston, MA

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) The Thin Thread Line
2) Tooth or Dare
3) Profit and Floss
4) Flossed and Found
5) There is more to floss than meets the eyetooth
6) Flosstitution isn't just for johns
7) Flossing - don't get caried away!


8/07/2007

TENNIS THE MENACE

Dear Pungents, I'm on a women's tennis team in San Francisco. We're looking for a clever name for our team. Any thoughts? ~Nina, San Francisco

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) Elle Deuces (El Duce)
2) The Racketteers
3) The Rackettes
4) Microserves (Microserfs)
5) The Lob-yists
6) Sets in the City


6/26/2007

TETE DU MERDEKA

Dear Pungents, "Malaysia's 50th Merdeka is so meaningful because..." ~Melissa, Johor Bahru, Malaysia

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) "We now enjoy a good Kuala-ty of life."
2) "We're all decked with jewelry. That's why we celebrate in de' pendants."
3) "Because a George colony is much less sexy than George Clooney."
4) "We've reached middle Asian we're having fun!"


ISLAND HIGHLANDS

Dear Pungents, I need a pun for my sister who is doing a master's in archaeology in the Orkney Islands, Scotland. Her name is Shannon. ~Mike, Halifax, Nova Scotia

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) "Haggis yourself a good time! They'll be lots of Scottish Shannonigans!"
2) "Careful, I heard those islands are pretty disOrkneyized."
3) "Those who study arc heel ology are never caught flat footed."

5/03/2007

MOLLUSKED IN YONKERS?

Dear Pungents, My wife is a professional ballerina who is retiring after 16 years. A solo has been created for her incorporating a theme of seashells. I'm proud of my own punmanship, and I don't want to mussel in on your territory, but I figured I'd call out the heavy artillery for this one. There's a big retirement party for her, and I want as many "shell" references (without straying too far into the overall "ocean" or "fish" themes). I've got the obvious: Lawrence Whelk, shellfish/selfish, but I'll take any assistance you guys can come up with! With friends like you guys, who needs anemones? ~Lorne, Winnipeg, MB

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) Meet George Jetsam.
2) Sea shells Sanctuary (the Cult song, hello??)
3) She's Prawn Quixote and I'm her Concho Panza.
4) Oh, the clamity!
5) I hope the critics won't chiton her routine.
6) If Pat Sajak were here he'd ask 'Would you like to bi a valve?'
7) We thought about calling it 'Return to Sander'.
8) This place has pretty good fossilities.
9) I'm lucky to have my wife. I'm glad she was the marine type.

4/23/2007

BOWLING FOR LOVERS

Dear Pungents, We're about to join a couples bowling league and need a team name. Thanks! ~Jason and Karen, Cumberland, RI

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
1) Clark Kent and Lois Lane
2) (Don't) Strike Your Spouse
3) Love to Spare
4) We're not Splitsville!
(all plays on words)

4/02/2007

JAY-V

Dear Pungents, please describe my job as a professional video producer: I shoot and edit video tours of 'reel estate' for sale or rent. The videos can be produced for other businesses, too. Finally, these short films are for streaming on the Internet. ~Jay, Providence, Rhode Island

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) Jay V See
2) Jay-V's Home Videos
3) Veni Vidi Video.
4) Short films aka Vidgets
5) The ProdiJay
6) "See videos of your new home on Jay's Internest Streaming."

3/18/2007

AMERICASA E SU CASA

Dear Pungents, I'm taking a group of high school girls to Spain for spring break, and we're making t-shirts for the trip. Any ideas for a good Spanish pun? My dad suggested the old "Jose, can you see" joke. Can you all do better? Thanks. ~Kathleen, Marion, Kentucky

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) No Spain, no gain
2) Basque in the glow
3) Iberia? I hear ya!
4) Who's pain for this vacation anyway?
5) We're having a paella of fun.
6) The Toureadors
7) Maraca and roll!
8) Sevillization, here we come.
9) Kentucky girls get drunk in Barsaloona.
10) The Star Spanglish Banner!

3/17/2007

DANCE IN YOUR PANTS!

Dear Pungents, I am part of a UK dance troupe and we are looking for a name for ourselves. We were thinking something to do with 'north', 'angels', 'dance' etc. The best we came up with was Independance, but it's taken. Please help us. Thanks! ~Lisa, Newcastle, UK

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
  1. The Dance Cap
  2. Waltz Disney
  3. Ballet cats (like alley cats)
  4. Ballrumour
  5. The Floorists
  6. Leggends
  7. Hot Bawdies
  8. The Right Angels
  9. The Leaping Lezzos
  10. Steposaurus
  11. 12 Step Program
  12. The Troupadores
  13. Angel Station
  14. Sleeping Booty
  15. Northogonal
  16. Pair o' Leg Gals (Paralegals)
  17. Return to Saunter
  18. Cancanoodle
  19. The Discompany
  20. Inspector Pirouettes (Poireau)
  21. The Tony Dancers (Tony Danzas)
  22. Salsangels
  23. Barton Phunk


3/14/2007

MARCH 14 - IT'S PYRO DAY!

Dear Pungents, a pyromania pun please! ~Kate, Toronto

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) Hear about the lousy pyromanic, who was fired from his job? He went on the Arsonio Hall show to complain.
2) Hear about the mathematician who torched his house on March 14? He was quite the pi rho.
3) Comedian Richard was a pryoromaniac.
4) Pyromaniacs aren't very hardworking. They're always blazing on the job.
5) Pyromania puns are awful. They're the flamest of jokes.

3/12/2007

THE NAME IS SCHOOL... HIGH SCHOOL.

Dear Pungents, something relating to my school motto, incorporating 'light' or 'enlightenment' or James Bond and light (referring to the year seeing as its 007), would be very much appreciated. Our motto is 'Light come visit me.' ~Emily, Hobart, Tasmania, Australia

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) "After graduation, get on a flight! Come visit me."
2) "Lichen, visit me! I'll moss everyone from 2007! We had fungus! Shaloam!"
3) '"007 - It's been a bonderful year."
4) "James Bond was an Irish-Arab Swede. They called him Dubai O'Sven."

2/21/2007

THE AUTHORROR!

Dear Pungents, I need puns on English and American writers. ~Anna, Gomel, Belarus

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) "Hemingway was quite overweight in his later years, when he wrote For Whom Belt Holes."
2) "Joseph Conrad wrote about an evil wind that blinds men's eyes. It was called Fart of Darkness."
3) "Who was hung like a horse? 'S'a mule johnson."
4) "Which playwright was always agitating his friends? Shakespeer."
5) "Hear that Dickens wrote a sequel to Melville's Moby Dick? He called it A Whale of Two Titties."
6) "Jane Austen's epic about frugality? Cents and Sensibility."
7) "Kurt Vonnegut Jr. is a master of dark comedy. He put the laughter in Slaughterhouse 5."

2/14/2007

A NEW ZEAL AND ZEST!

Dear Pungents, I'm in New Zealand and hungry for, nay demanding, puns associated with my temporary home. ~Peter, Wellington, NZ

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) "Want to know about New Zealand? Look it up on Kiwipedia!"
2) "I bought a kiwi at a silent auckland."
3) "If I move to Wellington, I'm going to run for Maori."
4) "Didn't the Beatles write a song about the Isle of Taxman?"
5) "Will New Zealanders ever get over their constitutional confusion? Let's Wait an gi."
6) "Punsters love New Zealand. Didn't Peter Jackson film Lord of the Zings there? (The shoot was well orcanized, and the films quite ent-ertaining.)"
7) "The way they treated the aboriginals is absolutely appolynesian."


2/01/2007

NICKELBACTERIA

Dear Pungents, can you think of one that somehow integrates Nickelback and how much they suck? P.S. it has to be extra witty. ~Jamie, Toronto

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) "Nickelback offends all five centses."
2) "They should have called the song Fyodor on the Floor - b/c it's a crime and punishment."
3) "What made me stop listening to Nickelback? All the right reasons."
4) "The only reason I don't plant my fist in Chad Kroeger's face, is that I'd want my knuckles back."
5) "Feces how you remind me of what I really am..."

1/21/2007

PUNTASY?

Dear Pungents, I need a pun combining a fantasy creature (fairy, pixie, etc) with a graphic design term. ~Laura, Charlotte, NC

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) "Images of fairies tend to be quite pixiellated."
2) "Photography? Yes I enjoy snapping pixies."
3) "What's the elf-stop for this camera?"
4) "Do Photoshop dragons live in secret underground layers?"
5) "I couldn't tell what the princess looked like, because she wore an image mask." (play on words)
6) "Graphic design involves a lot of dragon dropping."
7) "Photoshop is fairy difficult to understand."
8) "When coding graphics for a fantasy video game, always check your sorceror-code."

12/28/2006

JAZZICAL?

Dear Pungents, I need a pun with the words jazz and classical music, something like 'he's a jazzical artist', meaning he plays classical and jazz and also rocks. Thanks. ~Arax, Yerevan, Armenia

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) "Mozzart. Strauzz. Debuzzy: Classical, meet jazz: "
2) "Top of the clazz."
3) "Jazz + classical: kickassical."
4) "Choral jazz chanting: the Thelonius Monks?"

12/11/2006

MAID TO ORDER

Dear Pungents, a pun on maids as live-in helpers. Thanks. ~Angel, Singapore

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
1) "A live-in housekeeper should be quiet. In fact she ought to be anannymous.
2) "Live-in housemaids should never talk back. No ifs ands or butlers."
3) "For lazy aristocratic existentialists like Sartre, Help is other people."
4) "I like having a live in maid. Help aupairs whenever I need it."
5) "Mafia types always have housekeepers. Because they're maid men."

11/16/2006

RESISTANCE IS FERTILE

Dear Pungents, a pun about birth control or contraceptives. ~Andrea, Green Bay, Wisconsin

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) "Sorry, Andrea, we're really firing blanks here!"
2) "Does one buy contraception at a condominium?"
3) "Hear about the dyslexic couple who got drunk and tried to conceive while driving? Unfortunately it was a case of IUD."
4) "What's a better contraceptive: The Sperminator, or the Great Wall of Vagina? Well, the latter was impregnable"
5) "Do those who work at a sperm bank use the withdrawal method?"

10/24/2006

FREAKQUATIONS

Dear Pungents, a good pun i can use in my algebra class - not using 'division as the vision' or a pencil being pointless. Thank you ~Andrew, Fairfield, Connecticut

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
1) "Are algebra students smart? Yes, they are vari able individuals."
2) "The hair-obsessed algebra student was careful to check his coifficient."
3) "Did the mathematicians in The Matrix drive invertibles?"
4) "Are mathematicians heavy sleepers? Yes, they have BEDMAS."

10/20/2006

YOUTH THE MAN

Dear Pungents, a pun about youth. ~Nicole, Kuala Lampur, Malaysia

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
1) "Children have value. They're very youthful."
2) "Penning youth puns is not as easy as youth ink."
3) "Who was the father of child psychology? Carl Jung."
4) "Some people think the ill and elderly should have the option of killing themselves - especially in heavily populated Eastern countries. But I disagree. Who will look after the youth in Asia?"

9/27/2006

SHAKING THE BEAUTY

Dear Pungents, a pun about something that will improve and revive skin elasticity, restore collagen effectively, maintain beautiful youthful and supple skin, prevent aging. ~Chen, Kuala Lampur, Malaysia

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) "What the elderly lack in beauty, they make up for in intelligence. Each old person is aging-ius (a genius)."
2) "Youthfulness isn't simply genetic - agene can't prevent aging."
3) "Kinky? Skin's key."
4) "Skin conditioners don't work well. There's always a wrinkle or two."
5) "Those who go to beauty collagen don't just pay lips service."
6) "Jesus gave away all His revitalizing skin creams - at the Last Supple."

9/25/2006

YOU GOTTA BELEAHVE

Dear Pungents, a pun on 'Leah'. ~Heather, Valdosta

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
1) Leahve me alone
2) One Life to Leahve.
3) Leahway
4) Princess Leah
5) PLeah bargaining
6) Leahther pants

9/21/2006

POCKET TO YA, FOOLS!

Dear Pungents, I want to make fun of my friend's moniker. A pun on 'fool' and 'pocket' please. Thanks! ~Ryan, Bristol, UK

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) "Is your pocket fool or are you just happy to see me?"
2) "Man, I suck at pool. Focket!"
3) When Mr. T lost weight he could finally get into his hot tub. He said "I fitty the pool!"
4) (in a parking lot) "If all the spots are fool, then take your car and pocket over there."

9/15/2006

ANOTHER STAB

Dear Pungents, I need one of your finest puns, regarding a "Sword" and a "God" in the same pun preferably. Thanks a lot fellas, keep up that good shit! Stay blessed. ~Marsellus, Manchester, UK

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) Listen to the Sword of God.
2) Excalibur is quite ornately decorated. It is a sword with divine properties - and so by rights it should be Goddy.
3) I was struck down by God's sword, in one foil swoop. I was scimitarred and feathered. I was blade to rest.
4) Without his divine blade at his side, the chief Greek deity was absolutely Zeusless.
5) I was wounded by the Norse God's battleaxe, and I'm still feeling Thor.

9/13/2006

MOVE GROOVE

Dear Pungents, our friend Steve is moving from Nashville to Fort Myers, Florida. He loves BBQ, coffee & bad puns, and is an inspector for homeland security. ~Alex, Nashville, TN

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
1) "Steve, everyone admyers you for moving out of town."
2) "You won't ever see another tennis match, now that you're leaving Tennis-see! And the barbecues in Fort Myers certainly won't be as good as in Noshville!"
3) "Steve's love of caffeine sometimes gets in the way of catching terrorists. For example, he was a bit confused when he thought the Lybian dictator was Moammar Good-Coffee (Khadaffi, get it? ...yikes)!"


VITAMIN VERBIAGE

Dear Pungents, I need a pun for a charity leaflet to help under-nourished children in Malaysia. Something to do with vitamin C, chewable tablets, protein/carbohydrate deprivation, food scarcity and such. Thanks. ~Chen, Kuala Lampur, Malaysia

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
1) Make a donation and you'll C the difference.
2) When we C malnourished children on the street, we invitamin for food!
3) The food shortages in Kuala Lampur are distressing. It's scare city!
4) Vitamin tablets. Chews life.
5) Let's take the 'malady' out of Malaysia.

9/07/2006

LOOK WHO RODENT TO TOWN

Dear Pungents, I'm putting on a school play and I need a better title than "The Pied Piper of Hamelin" - references to pipers, pipes, or rats would be marvelous! ~John, Sydney, Australia

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) One Flute Over the Cuckoo's Nest
2) Ratman Begins - now on Piper-View (it's a moused-see!)
3) The Verminator
4) Murder, She Rodent
5) The Pied Piper of Hamelin - a brilliant one-man plague

8/23/2006

LIBRAIRHEAD

Dear Pungents, a woman I work with does not pronounce the word 'library' properly. She says "lie-berry" as in, "If I do an interlieberry loan can I take the book out of the building?". She's in her late 20s, not kindergarten. It's starting to freak me out. I'd like to correct her without sounding like little-miss-micro-manager-pants. ~Ainsley, Ottawa, Ontario

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) "I have to be honest with people when they make mistakes. I don't lie berry well."
2) "You know which country is most mispronounced? Liberia."
3) "You know what my favourite fruit is? Strawbraries. I also like bluebraries." [repeat for as many berries as there are]


FEET ME A LINE

Dear Pungents, I am a podiatrist, I work with feet. I know the obvious ones, but if I have to put up with smelly feet, I'd like to inflict puns as revenge. Please help! ~Ali, Sydney, Australia

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) "Man you got some stinky feet. What do I look like - a poodiatrist?"
2) "Take care of your feet. Don't make me say I toe'd you so!"
3) "What's stinkier than an union bun? A bunion pun."
4) "I met a cute chick who had a nasty infection. I didn't care though, she's a fun gal."
5) "Podiatry is ironic. Cuticles, for example, are ugly."
6) "A toes, to podiatry! It puts foot on my table."

7/30/2006

ITALIAN SCALLIONS

Dear Pungents, a pun about Italian food please. ~Bluey, Petaling Jaya, Malaysia

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) "Veni vidi, vino - I came, I saw, I drank."
2) "Do Italians make dog food? Yes - kenneloni!"
3) "Which dish is most addictive? Smackaroni and cheese."
4) "What's the riskiest Italian recipe? Ricotta, with your pants down!"
5) "You shouldn't eat turtleini - it's endangered."

6/24/2006

BOATYLICIOUS

Dear Pungents, We need a name for our boat which includes a reference to our dog - a Labrador. We're stuck, and "Lab-Oar of Love" doesn't quite cut it. ~R.J., Lake Forest, Illinois

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) Waves labbing up against the dog
2) A boatiful dog
3) A Boat a Dog
4) Labbing it up!
5) Labia of Love
6) The Lab Oaratory
7) Blabbermouth
8) Label Fish (like babel fish)


6/15/2006

SUCK ON THIS

Dear Pungents, a pun please about vacuum cleaners ~Dennis, Bozeman, Montana

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) "Do vacuum salesmen drive Hoovercrafts?"
2) "The wealthy owner of the septic-tank cleaning company ran a suck-cesspool operation."
3) "Broken vacuum cleaners suffer from suck-ual frustration."
4) "What's a vacuum's favourite author? Dustoyevsky."
5) "Vacuum cleaner repairmen get so lonely. They've seen a lot of hose."


MATHED MARVEL

Dear Pungents, could I please get a pun about math? ~Derek, Toronto

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) "What happens when you put together two rolls of single-ply toilet tissue? They multi-ply."

2) "Which mathematician liked bearskin rugs? Fermat."

3) "Before Leibniz and Newton, mathematicians were racist. There was no integration." (play on words)


5/20/2006

ROLLANDA FLOOR?

Dear Pungents, I need a roller-derby name; please refer here for examples. Everything I come up with is already taken, but I will give you due credit: this is your chance to play a part in roller-derby history! Check my website to get an idea of things I'm into - and come up with a tailor-made derby-name for me! ~Liz, St. Louis, Missouri

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) Skatanica
2) AGotha (Anti)Christie
3) Art Skull (with umlaut above the u)
4) Bang Her Management
5) ELiza, I Make you Cryza
6) Genital CRashes
7) Queen Cobrassiere
8) The MuSicilian Mafia


BUCK YOU!

Dear Pungents, I participate in a group involved in currency tracking and would like some puns related to banknotes. Love your site, and I think if anyone can come up with some funny money puns, it's the Gents! ~Jocelyn, Vancouver, BC

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) "Currency puns tend to be real kroners."
2) "Scientists are still working on the origins of the Big Bank."
3) "If coin-collecting is numismatics, is banknote-collecting Loomismatics?"
4) "Can I offer you some paper mint T...bills?"
5) "Did you ever know that you're my euro?..."
6) "Why are there problems with counterfeiting of large bills? If the bills are so large, they shouldn't fit on counters!"

4/23/2006

GIVE ME YOUR FORKING MONEY!

Dear Pungents, I need a pun that links biking to a charity campaign my office is running for an umbrella organization representing 16 health charities. Something that puts "bike" and "give money" together. ~ Kristen, Toronto

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) Does cycling ring a bell? It certainly has a peal!

2) Biking + Charity = fun-raising

3) Join us on our highway to health

4) Our bicycles have spoke volumes!

5) Cycling for health - it's a wheel blast!

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THE CLAWT THICKENS

Dear Pungents, I need puns that include the words (or sound) "claw" and generally has a good connotation. Example, "Clawmpliment", "Clawmmendation"' ~ Kathy, Greeley, Colorado

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) Clawn Bowling

2) Clawng and lean

3) Layin' down the claw

4) What time is it? 12 O'Clawck

5) Clawck a doodle doo

6) Santa Claws

7) Eating too much will clawg your arteries

8) The dutch wear clawgs

9) There's lots of gold in the Klawndike

BONUSES:
10) This pun request is clawbbering me over the head

11) This is a clawckamamie request



SUN OFF A BEACH

Dear Pungents, I need something related to the beach/summer, etc. for door prize raffles for a summer-thremed party. ~ Eve, Medford, New York

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) Shell out for some great prizes

2) Surf a good cause - enter our raffle

3) You win sun and you lose sun...

4) Tan-talizing prizes!

6) Mind if I Hasselhoff you for a raffle?

7) Win some outdoor prizes!

3/28/2006

VIRTUIN' THE FAT?

Dear Pungents, A pun on faith, hope and charity - or "I lift mine eyes up to the heavens." Thank you - it's punishment trying to think of one myself. ~Avery, Port Elizabeth, South Africa

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) "Faith isn't spiritual, it's physical. My faith is located in my bodily organs; because I'm a be liver."

2) "The theological virtues are addictive. I'm hoped up on drugs!"

3) "I'd give you the shirt off my back. It's an act of share a tee."

4) "Faith is an action, not a quality. Trust me, I used to be noun believer." (a tad esoteric?)

5) "I was once a stripper, but I converted and turned from my immoral ways. Now it's 'I lift mine eyes up to the heavens', but as an exotic dancer it used to be 'I lift my nasty up to the heathens!'"

3/27/2006

PUNS ON THE RUN

Dear Pungents, I need a punny name for a community running club I'm setting up. For example there is a group known as Gunn Runners - Gunn being where they live, and gun also slang meaning 'talented'. We are currently the Sunshine Runners Group; our area is famous for the Sunshine Harvester and I have nothing! ~Sean, Sunshine, Victoria, Australia

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

(first, some generic ones)
1) Sunshine Sweathearts
2) Kangarunners
3) Marathunder
4) The Sunshine Run Swine - We're Pigs For It!

(and more specific to the Harvester)
5) The Sunshine Harvesters: No Pain, No Grain
6) The Leg Gents [legends] of the Sunshine Harvester
7) Sunshine Harvester Squad: Running at our Wheat's End
9) Runners of the Mill
8) The Harvesters: Fun + Run, Combined!

3/09/2006

PUNGUINS?

Dear Pungents, something to do with animals, please. ~Naomi, Aloha, Oregon

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) How much does a chicken impersonator cost? A bok.
2) And are horses agreeable? Nay.
3) Are cats hypochondriac? Meow.
4) Do suckling pigs play tittely-oinks?
5) Do artsy German goats listen to Baa-haus music?

2/11/2006

OPERA HA

Dear Pungents, I need a punny headline for my article about our volunteers at the Canadian Opera Company. It's an article that talks about how great our volunteers are and encourages others to get involved. Got any suggestions? ~Mariza, Toronto

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) "Their hard work brings volunteers to our eyes."

2) "Volunteering at the COC - can you Handel it?"

3) "Our volunteers really run the show; it's the tail Wagnering the dog."

4) Quote from a volunteer: "I love showing people to their seats... 'Aisle B, Back' next season for sure."

5) "Our volunteers orchestrate the production." (play on words)

6) "Join our Wolf gang!"

7) "Our volunteers are some pretty phat ladies."

2/03/2006

JAVA GOOD TIME?

Dear Pungents, Can you come up with a pun for the host of a computers & technology awards ceremony? Thanks! ~Adam, Orlando, FL

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) "Don't give anyone here a sandwich. They'll take a thousand megabites."

2) "I thought I'd Cobol together a few jokes. But they were too Basic. So I'll be Turing over a new leaf. Let's C, plus plus..."

3) "I was late getting here. I was locked up in my Fortran."

4) "Java good time so far?"

5) "Welcome to my humble Adobe (pronounced A-dowb)."

6) "It was a hard drive coming to this ceremony!"

7) "My friend dug his finger in his nose with gusto, and was so happy when he found something. I guess you could say he was picks-elated?" (ok a bit too much)

8) "I decided to get a sharper monitor. It's my New Year's resolution."

9) "Computers make my mother bored."


WIENER SNICKER or HA-HA-HAGGIS

Dear Pungents, I would like a few puns to say at a wedding for two friends: Timm, an Austrian and Eileen a Scot. ~Ron, Toronto

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) "Timm looks like the clear Vienner in this wedding."

2) "Timm said 'Don't be sheepish, you can lean on me.'
She said, 'That's right, Eileen on ewe.'"

3) "When they first met, Timm said 'Can I sit beside you?'
She said in her accent 'Aye, lean!'"

4) If she turns out to be a cannibal, their love will not German-ate.


1/26/2006

AROUND THE CURLED

Dear Pungents, can you give me a fictitious country's 'olympic team name' for a curling bonspiel? ~Coralie, Salmon Arm, BC

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) I-rock
2) Estoneia
3) Ice-land (and you're from Rinkjavik!)
4) Sweepistan
5) Skiptzerland
6) North or South Curlina

1/25/2006

BRIDE AND GROAN

Dear Pungents, here's a challenge: I need a pun to put on a pen to pass out at a friend's wedding. (It's a tradition in our little friend-group to pass out the pens) She's a smartly dressed designer and he's an engineer. They both like to work out. ~Laura, Chicago, IL

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) This pen is for marking the occasion! (POW)
2) Modern pens are the perfect marriage of design and engineering (not a pun)
3) This isn't a marker.. It's a pen, silly!
4) The bride and groom's workouts will hereby consist solely of sexercise.
5) The groom is de-signing his life away.


1/14/2006

SMART BALMS

Dear Pungents, I wanted to make lip balms called "Balm Shells" but that name is taken. I need a clever name for a personality-based lip balm, very girly. ~Natalie, Toronto

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) Lipstream
2) Tulip Balm
3) La Balmba
4) Labial me Lovely
5) Loose Lips
6) Hiplips
7) Liposexy (better than liposuction you'll agree)
8) Miss Kiss/Missy Kissy
9) Lipsterine
10) Nape Lipogon (like Lake Nipigon? no...)

1/04/2006

SANTA TO HEAVEN

Dear Pungents, a pun please about the death of Santa. ~Sophie, Manchester, UK

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) "He was taken by Satan's claws."

2) "He couldn't take the stress of Xmas. So he sleighed himself."

3) "Santa is no longer present." (play on words)

4) "He got kicked in the head by a karate expert... It was the missile toe."

5) "He shook like a bowl full of napalm jelly." (not really a pun, but couldn't resist)

6) "Jolly Old St. Nicked in the Jugular?"

7) "In France they're calling him Pere No-More."

8) "He ate too many elfelfa sprouts."

12/02/2005

IT'S A LAWNDERFUL LIFE?

Dear Pungents, a catchy name for a garden maintenance business, please. Thanks! ~Samuel, Plymouth, Cornwall, UK

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) Hoes and John [Deeres]
2) Hoesanna
3) Thumberjacks
4) Plant Parenthood
5) Lawnscapings
6) GardenGuard
7) Hedge Fun Management
8) You Bet Your Grass!
9) Cheshire-Cat Green [grin]
10) Total Soddisfaction [for lawn maintenance]
11) The Green Lawntern


RUG LAWS

Dear Pungents, could I please have a pun about a rugby playing lawyer? I like chocolate cheesecake. I'd also like to be a Punshine Boy. ~James, Toronto

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) "A defense attorney who plays rugby has to deal with the scrum of the earth."

2) "After the game, my two colleagues and I pig out with a triple-lawyer cheesecake."

3) "If Michael Jackson played rugby, would he get flagged by the touch judge?"

4) "The rugby-playing lawyer lived a double life: by day prosecuting johns in the courthouse, but at night practising as a hooker."

11/25/2005

GROANERAL ELECTRIC?

Dear Pungents, I see Mark has beaten me to the request [see 10/26 POD]. I too was going to ask about a t-shirt slogan; this time it's for the electrical engineer's shirt. Last year's was 'CMOS run'. Funny ideas might include ideas:
-any of Maxwell's equations, electricity/magnetism laws: Ampere's Law, Faraday's Law, Gauss' Law, Coulomb's Law
-the signal processing sinc function; the Fourier series
-circuit devices: MOSFETs, diodes, capacitors/inductors/resistors, maybe Thevenin/Norton techniques, phasor analysis
Thanks a lot! ~Greg, Toronto

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) "Who else loves diodes, capacitors and inductors? Check us out: we're circuits freaks!"

2) "What are the favourite cookies of electrical engineers? Mr. Thevenin and Mr. Norton."

3) "Don't resist us - you'll get ohmed!"

4) "We don't shave; women like it Fourier." [have to mispronounce it]

5) "Electrical engineers are horny... you're giving me Max Swell!"

6) "We get it right the first time; everything else is re-volting."

11/19/2005

SODA & GOMORRAH

Dear Pungents, a pun please about advertisements concerning the company Pepsi. ~Kristin, Vancouver, BC

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) "Forget rotting teeth, these ads are rotting my brain. Somebody better col-a fizzician!"

2) "When I watch their commercials, it's pap see!"

3) "Another darn Pepsi ad? I feel like I'm being soda-mized!"

11/07/2005

MOM BOMB

Dear Pungents, I just saw you on Speakers Corner... I want a pun about - YOUR MOTHER! ~Mark, Toronto

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT

1) "Your mother's so stew-pita [stupid], she runs a soup + falafel place!"

2) "Your mother's so ogle-y [ugly], she looks at other men!"

3) "Your mother's sofa-@ [fat], she has her own couch website!"


MELON DE GENERALS?

Dear Pungents, I would like a chortle-worthy comment for writing on a watermelon, for use in a catapult. ~Tim, Nelson, New Zealand

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) "We're getting melon-evil [medieval] on your ass!"

2) "It's a fruit-d'etat!"

3) "I'll seed you in mel!" [I'll see you in hell?... ouch]

4) "Spit-fire? I bet you never seed this coming!"

10/30/2005

THE SWIM JIMS?

Dear Pungents, I'm looking for something witty for a swim team t-shirt. Ideas? ~Molly, Portland, Oregon

AS THE PUNGENTS SEE IT:

1. "Strokin it hard - We're the breast!"

2. Freestylin'

3. "No Spitzing in the pool"

4. "I pity the pool!" (Mr. T image/voice needed)

5. All Goggley-Eyed

6. "We ain't lane down for nobody."

7. Chlorus Girls

8. Chlorine Dream

10/26/2005

SPACE CASE

Dear Pungents, I'm a grad student at the U of T Institute for Aerospace Studies, and our Aerospace Student Association needs a punny slogan to put on the back of this year's shirts for sale. Some great puns are in order. As an example, last year's was 'Get high the Wright way'. Thanks Gents! ~Marc, Toronto

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1. "ASA: proudly following the teachings of Aileron Hubbard."

2. "We never blow our fuselage."

3. "Insert slogan here [space permitting]." (play on words)

4. "Aerospace: it's uplifting." (pow)

5. "We're always raising a flap." (pow)

6. "ASA: give us a party, and we'll rocket."

7. "Practice safe treks. Always use a rudder."

10/12/2005

SLIME TIME

Dear Pungents, please - a pun about slime. Thanks ~Chris, Seattle, WA

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) "What the muck!?"

2) "This is not a very goo request."

3) "In hell, do the bars serve Coke with a lice of slime?" (spooner)

9/21/2005

BEAUTIFUL SIXTER

Dear Pungents, my beautiful older sister is turning 60 and easily looks in her mid-forties. She has blonde hair and blue eyes, is 5'4", petite, sweet and all-around a good person and great sister. I want something clever to say on her birthday without hurting her feelings or putting her down on turning 60. ~Patty, Lubbock, Texas

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) "You're one Sixy Beast!"

2) "You're a sight to be senior!"

3) "You're still young. When you sing Happy Birthday, you won't win any Granny Awards!"

9/17/2005

WAFFLE VS AWFUL

Dear Pungents, I'm about to whoop my housemates' asses in a waffle-making contest, and I need a good pun to throw their way when I'm declared the winner. ~Toxic Chi, Toronto

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) "Couldn't you do any batter?"

2) "I'm waffle. You're just woeful."

3) "I'm the foodal lord; you're the lowly syr'p (serf)."

4) "Yours tasted so bad... what - did you think we were making Belchin' waffles?"

5) "After I humiliate you, it'll be 'Leggo my ego'!"

Finally

6) "My recipe - it packs a brunch!"

9/13/2005

PEDAL METTLE

Dear Pungents, I need a pun about a bicycling team that works hard, and their perseverance pays off ~Abby, Decatur, Georgia

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) "It was tire-ing, but our actions have spoke for us!"

2) "This is our best gear ever!"

3) "We're riding our own story!"

4) "We faced many obstacles but our spirit did not brake!"

8/20/2005

CHOLER HOLLER

Dear Pungents, I need a pun that basically says, "Dont drink dirty water, because you might get cholera!" ~Mark, Ottawa, Ontario

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) "This is one choler you don't want hear from."

2) "Waterborne diseases - they grab you by the choler."

3) "What's worse than back pain? Bacteria pain!"

4) (more literary) "Did Choleridge keep a diarrhea?"
OR
5) "Even Anne Frank didn't make that many diarrhea entries."

6) "E.Coli - it ain't no eco-lie: the dirty truth about cholera."

7) "Stop! Water you doing? Think before you drink."

8/19/2005

RAISING A PUCKUS

Dear Pungents, I need something for a get well card that I'm writing on a hockey puck. I already have a puck that says "Merry puckin Christmas" and "Happy puckin birthday"; now I need one for "get well"... all I came up with was "slap-shot yourself better real soon." Not too funny. ~Michele, Chicago, Illinois

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) "I heard you've been a bit down on your puck - but at least you get to play hockey from work (or school)."

2) "Good health should be your number one goalie."

3) "I'm glad your illness is in de crease."

4) "Pucker up! Get better so I can kiss you."

5) "I hope your disease won't leave any puck marks."

6) "'Shot' happens... get well soon."

FINALLY

7) "I've been worrying my faceoff."

8/17/2005

PUNS ABOUT THE GENTS

(this is a real request, no joke!)

Dear Pungents, I'm a huge fan of your site. I want to spread the word about who you are and what you do, but I'm unsure how to describe it in kind. Help me to think of some witty puns about yourselves? Thanks a bunch. ~Naomi, Toronto


AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

"Online punographers, pun-dits and pun krockers - The Pun Gents are local boys who're fearless about getting feet dirty and plundering the language. That's because we're proud Tar-on-toenians. We were both born in 1978, on the 4th of July - aka Indie Pun Gents Day - and we fiercely protect our IndiePunGence.

Since our inauspicious beginnings in December 2004 we've been featured in: the National Post, Maisonneuve magazine and other print publications; were interviewed for a radio feature, and appeared several times on City-TV. In less than a year we've gone from mediocrity to media-jocularity!

PunGents.com has some unique features. Puns on Demand is the internet's only custom joke and slogan service. And our Punshine Girls and Boys are so renowned for their sexy wordplay, quick tongues and hot dictionary skills that our site is in danger of getting a triple-'lex' rating!

And live performances! Pat recently won the bronze medal at the O. Henry Pun-off in Austin, Texas, the most famous (pun-related) joke contest in the world. The first ever Canadian puntestant, Pat wowed the pun-off crowd with his 'cannibal' puns; he took them in gest, and they ate him up, with relish - that's no can o' bull. The Gents hope to inaugurate a similar pun contest in Toronto, the Ron Maclean All-CanEHdian punoff in honour of Hockey Night in Canada's celebrated punster. We've been dogging Ron for his attention, because we're just rabid about this frothcoming event. So c'mon Ron, how bout a little tete-a-tetanus!

Sadly, laugh remains difficult. While we have gained a small bit of notoriety for ourselves, the majority of punsters around the world still suffer abuse at the hands of the groaneral population. The Gents will soon chronicle their trials and tribulations in a har-hitting krockumentary, 'Malice in Punderland' (ask us for a treatment). It will be a pun-ishing dreck-spose.

Also, we started up our own fashion subsidiary, Pun Gents Apparel. It's surprising that either one of us would ever become fashion designers, but sometimes, shirt just happens. So click the link and buy one please; they come with a worn-tee.

Anyway that's about it... As soon as we mention 'Pun Gents Apparel', we know it's time to end the request.

Why's that?

Because, yuk yuk, it's our clothing line. (yikes)

Cheers,
The Gents

ps Thanks for your interest in our site; it's been ass lice!"

7/26/2005

FAST THYME AT FRIDGEMONT HIGH?

Dear Pungents, I know a 'kitchen' is where bad taste ends and good taste begins, but can we have some more puns about that arooma of my condoment? ~Paul, Bethesda, Maryland

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) "Before eating your words, how should you cook them? With a my-crow-wave!"

2) (for linguists only) "How can you add a flavourful accent to your plates? Put them in the de-schwa-sher!"

3) "Speaking of which, is Justin Timberlake more qualified to be a dishwasher or a solo artist? Let's just say he was better off In Sink!"

4) "Do rodentivores enjoy stoat-top stuffing? Yes - it can be prepared in a very weaselable amount of time."

5) "At breakfast do cannibals like toes with jam?"

6) "Do jocks prefer drinking out of cups?" (POW)

7) "Were Hansel and Gretel initiated into the witches oven (coven)?"

8) "Boy these kitchen jokes are tasteless - someone must have put 'em in a blander."


TRAIN SPOTTY?

Dear Pungents, I need a headline/title for an article about public transportation (bus system) and how dirty and gross it is. Please 'transfer' me to the right person! ~Joshua, Ottawa, Ontario

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) From public transit to 'pube-lice' transit

2) Fare is foul!

3) Metro-city atrocity: riding the vomit comet

4) Filthy, grimy transit = bad for bus-iness

7/22/2005

PUNS - THE BEST MEDICINE

Dear Pungents, I just underwent laparoscopic surgery (with four enemas, four puncture wounds and three painkiller prescriptions) to remove some ovarian cysts. Do you have any puns to keep me in stiches while I heal? ~Toxic Chi, Toronto

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) [Point to your puncture wounds] "With rends like these, who needs enemas?"

2) "If Whoopi Goldberg were my doctor, would that make this a Sister-Act-omy?" (cysterectomy, not hysterectomy)

3) "I was anxious prior to the surgery, but I'm glad it's finally ovary."

4) "You always take a chance when you have surgery. I just let the chips fallopian where they may."

5) "I drove to the operating room with ovarian cysts, and I came out with a souped-up Vulva!"

6) "I was swearing like mad before they gave me the painkillers. Nothing like a lil' ibu-profanity! But I guess all's well that ends swell. I'm just aspirin' to get better."

7) "I'm so elated the surgery was a success - I'm ready to perform a laporoscopic dance!"


PUN FIGHT AT THE JOKEY CORRAL

Dear Pungents, I am working at a camp and the theme is Western. I'd love some Western-themed puns- cowboys, rodeos, farmers, etc. thanks! ~Rachel, Winfield, British Colombia

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) "At the pervert rodeo you can either buck a bronco or grope a calf."

2) "Who was the fattest lawman in the West? Wide Earp!"

3) "There was a fight at the saloon, and the troublesome cowpolk was forcibly removed by the bartender. In fact it was a shooed-out."

4) "There was one legend who was often mocked and disrepected long after his wild days were through. He even had his car vandalized in a parking lot. Poor old Billie the Keyed."

5) "Do pervert cowboys get their jollies at the cattle raunch?"

7/18/2005

PUNS ON THE RUN

Dear Pungents, I'm running a mountain trail race in a few weeks. I need something to say to my competitors as I pass them by, to leave them in stitches, so to speak. Thanks guys, you're the best. ~John, Montreal

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) "Am I in shape for this race? Yes, I'm very well mountained!"

2) "Looking at your ass when you run makes me think of mountain you."

3) "Hill yeah!"

4) "See you at the Finnish line? No, I'm Russian by. So eat my Dostoyevsky."

5) "If you're biased against mountain courses, does that make you racist?"

6) "After I win this marathon I will retire... to Iran."

7) "Let's flip a coin to see who's faster. If it's trails you lose!"

8) "Are you a good runner? Well, I'll put it this way: you're definitely passable!" (POW)


7/13/2005

LEATHER, RINSE, REPEAT?

Dear Pungents, I need some cow puns to use at a dunk tank. ~Joe, Saginaw, Michigan

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) "Cows at a dunk tank? This is udder disaster! What's the meating of this?"

2) "Knock him down! He's bad to T-bone!"

3) "Will the cow fall into the tank? He'll just have to brisket."

4) "Always dunk your milk."

7/08/2005

HA-HAS-TRALIA!

Dear Pungents, something Australian - kangaroos or some shit like that. Fair dinkum. ~Dukey, Melbourne, Australia

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) "Wallaby damned, you'll roo the day you requested such stereotypical puns! Ya'oo can't be Serious!"

2) "Which continent is home to stalkers? Us trail ya!"

3) "Is it true Aussie men shoot fireworks out their penises? Yes, flare-dink 'em!"

4) "Which supermodel is the child of Satan? Hell MuckFireSon!"

5) "'Too many cooks spoil the broth?' That's especially true with mar-soup-ials."

6) "I knock back the Aussie beers pretty quick, but the locals can drink even Foster."

7) "There was one spot off the coast where actress Drew was known for smoking up. They call it the Great Barrymore Reefer."

8) "They fart so much on one Australian Island - it's known as Gasmania!"

9) "Don't like these puns? 'Din go to hell!"

7/07/2005

LAW HAWS

Dear Pungents, I work at the Law Society of Upper Canada and deal with future lawyers everyday. I've run out of all my lawyer jokes so I need some new ammo. Can you help me out?!? And no, it's not Danielle, although she did send me onto the site when she heard of my intense boredom. Thanks in advance! ~Ciara, Toronto

1) "You law students act like a bunch of cowboys. Well this ain't the Lasso-Ciety!"

2) What do Italian lawyers eat on their birthday? Tort della Nonna!

3) Is the Law Society sexist? Well some women at the LSUC feel the need to dress in skimpy, cleavage-revealing clothing. It's as if they've been called to the bra.

4) Who gets assigned to molestation cases? Our tickling students!

5) Before he became a lawyer, the Devil's Advocate had to write the HELLSAT.

6) Which birds make the best lawyers? The ones who understand seagullese (legalese).

7) Hear about the class-action suit launched against cartoon smokesperson Joe Camel? It has the makings of a real courtroom dromedary!

8) The witness in the dentistry malpractrice suit swore to tell the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.

9) Why should lawyers change their name to 'William'? Because then every hour would be Bill-able!

10) Which lawyer should you hire if you're lactose intolerant? A no-dairy!

11) (extremely nerdy) In the digital imaging lawsuit, who the sued the inventor of the JPEG? The plain TIFF!

12) (finally!) In the case of Her Majesty vs the Pun Gents, Pat and Rhain were prosecuted by the Groan Attorney.


SORRY, BRONCH NUMBER?

Dear Pungents, a pun for a work bulletin board (heathcare) about lungs or July 4th, fireworks. ~Brenda, Somewhere, USA

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT: (since July 4th has passed we'll just stick with the lungs)

1) "You've come a lung way, baby."

2) "Hear about the lung-specialists convention in New York? Naturally, it was held in the Bronx (bronchs)."

3) "Do railroad workers have trouble with their Pullmanary arteries?"

4) "Why should pneumonia sufferers avoid Belgium? Because - they're phlegmish!"

5) "Did you hear Prince Charles had a blockage in his windpipe? The news headline read: "Air to the British Throat!"

6/19/2005

RETIRE SATIRE?

Dear Pungents, some retirement puns please: my wife is retiring as a receptionist from Livingston International after 16 years there and I am retiring from University of Toronto Schools as a history teacher after 5 years. ~John, Mississauga, Ontario

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

For wife -

1) "I'm not going to throw you a party - I figured the last thing you'd want is a reception." (POW)

2) "Sixteen long years, and now finally you get to let all your frustrations pour out. That's what happens with secretories.

3) "You always said it was like being locked in cave, there, at Live-in-stone."

4) "After 16 years answering phones at a logistics and transportation company, I'm glad you're telling them to go truck themselves."

For husband -

5) "Teaching at University of Toronto schools was frustrating... I sometimes felt like kicking someone in the 'UTS."

6) "The job at UTS conflicted with my liberal beliefs; I couldn't knuckle under to my principal's conservatism any longer. After five years as his Tory teacher I just had to leave."

7) "Me and that job are ancient history!"

8) "Hey I'm finally retired. What a dream - somebody pension (pinch) me!"


LIFT WHIFF (or... ELEVATOR FLATULATOR?)

Dear Pungents, don't you hate it when you're in an elevator, and somebody decides to fart? What's worse, whoever dealt it, refuses to own up to it! I need a pun to blurt out in such a stinky situation. ~Andrew, Toronto

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) "Boy what a long ride - this elevator just keeps going farter and farter."

2) "Wow, look at all the butt-ends (buttons) lighting up!"

3) "Did someone sneeze? Gas-undheit!"

6/15/2005

OUR MOST COMPLICATED REQUEST YET!

Dear Pungents, I would like a pun involving boyfriends who don't do the dishes, excessive amounts of ice cream, lesbian lust, tree climbing, mangos, and superheroes... By the way, you all are fantastic. ~Tina, Toronto

(...get ready!)

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

"Recently I went through a very negative tree-climbing incident that has left me in an aldered state. It was rough. In fact I scream when I think about it...

The other day, for the umpteenth time, my boyfriend neglected to wash up after dinner. Well, I had enough of it. We had long been on a rocky road, and this was the final strawberry - so I told him "It's over," and dish-missed him from my lovelife!

Well, he couldn't believe I'd just dessert him like that. He says "Splits eh? You've gone bananas!" Then, get this, the crazy man goes to a nearby tree - the one with the massively huge tropical fruits - and he starts going up it! It was repulsive, rappelent even. He was like a monkey going up that tree, a real lower-order climb-mate. He must have thought he was some kind of hero, but I knew better; he doesn't even like Super-mangos...

In the end, he was too jealous of my many gal pals. I implored him, "C'mon, lesbee friends!" but to no avail; he just stayed up there, saying "Leaf me be!". Well, this foolishness was something I just couldn't dyke any more of, so I thought, dam him; I looked up at the tree, said "oak-y dokey" and left.

Looking bark on things, I've never had such a fruitless relationship... Men - with them it's all bump-and-rind, they just want your 'cookies n cream'. No Wonder Woman is so much more a-peeling!"

5/26/2005

HOLY MATRI-GROANY?

Dear Pungents, I'm getting married in a few weeks and wanted some wedding-related puns I could include in a speech. A little about us: I'm a grad student, nearing completion of my Ph.D in chemistry; she's a tobacco-farmer-turned-clinical-pharmacist, specializing in hemotology. Have at it! ~Tyler, Toronto

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

(Adjust speech to conform to the facts... lots of bonus plays on words thrown in to boot!)

"We met when I was doing my Ph.D - right away, there was chemistry.

I knew her when she was a tobacco farmer. I thought she was just smokin'. We would stay up nights listening to that Def Leppard song - 'Pour Some Cigar On Me'. She liked my hard wooden pipes, didn't think I was drag. It was serendipitous - I met her just in the nic o tine! We've come a lung way since then. Now I'm addicted to her every breath.

She made a career change from farming, but not a big one - she was still in farm-acy. Now she specializes in hemotology; at the time I thought, wow that's bloody incredible. Truly she is my prizecription! I feel so anemic compared to her; sometimes I wonder if she thinks I'm a dope, or a pill. Oh well, seeing how much we've spent on this wedding, at least she knows I'm not a pauper (popper)!" (take a bow)

5/23/2005

BRO HA HA

Dear Pungents, my brother Alan who lives in England turned 50 on May 10. A memorable pun might take his mind off me being late sending his card! He is very quiet until he has a few brews; his local pub is the Packet, which my dad and grandad went to as well. He is a huge Manchester United fan - can't go to the games anymore because if they lose it puts him in a very bad mood. He's currently in Egypt on a trip of a lifetime for his 50th; I don't know if he heard an American has bought into his beloved team while he is away - can't imagine that'll make him happy - as much as he isn't happy about turning 50. So give me a pun that will make him happy. Thanks! ~Yvonne, Oshawa, Ontario

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) "Good ol' Alan - he's the Man U can depend on!"

2) "First they lose #7, and now the whole team's sold to the Yanks? What the Becks is going on! But don't cry - there's no need for soccer bawling!"

3) "As dad and grandad would say, age 50 is no time to Packet in!"

4) "We can't make fun of you now that you're 50 - you're no longer in your for-tease!"

5/18/2005

THE ST. CHRISTOPHER WALKENS?

Dear Pungents, I work for the President & CEO of a hospital and we are organizing a team for the hospital's annual walk. The team consists of senior management (president, vps and chief of staff as well as their administrative assistants). Can you think of a name for us? Thanks. ~ Mary, Toronto

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) The Walkie-Talkies - b/c you need to get your message out there.

2) The Charity Chairs (and one more makes it Three Chairs for all of you!)

3) The directors and administrators of the Charity Walk - ie the Hosp. Skips and Adjuncts (contrasting 'walk' with Hop Skip and a Jump ... with 'skip' as in skippers or leaders)

5/17/2005

POLITICAL B.S.

Dear Pungents, Belinda has crossed the floor! What say you, P-Genti? ~Michael, Toronto

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) Belinda? Man, she changes colours so quick she's like a chameleon. They should call her Blenda!

2) Paul Martin government's living on borrowed time, not to mention borrowed Tories. Call me dyslexic, but he should never a borrower nor a linda Be-.

3) I knew her hot liaison with the studly Mackay, after it became public, was bound to peter 'out'.

4) Stronach's becoming Liberal? How Magnanimous!

5) Ambition's her weakness - she's got a Strong-ache for power!

6) All this transparent political maneovring makes me sick - I just don't have the Stronach for it!

5/09/2005

LOSIN' MY SCHOOL

Dear Pungents, Help! I am an elementary school teacher, and one of my students keeps whining that she is bored; I've used up all my comebacks in the last 8 months teaching her. Please give me some puns so I can make it to the end of June!

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) "Bored? I'll show you board! [then you hand her a wooden board] Now wooden you like to work?"

2) "Like some cheese with your whine?"

3) "Here, look in this carton [you hand her carton of eggs] - egg-sight ment!"

5/08/2005

DANCE IN YOUR PANTS

Dear Pungents, this is a shameless plug for the spectacular show we're working on. Dancemakers is celebrating its 30th anniversary, and yet it is tougher than overcooked cow heart to open people's minds and get them out to see contemporary dance. Can you spare a few puns that will show how much COOLER contemporary dance is than some horse show or clown workshop? ~Loretta, Toronto

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) "Hey Toronto, stressed out? Then come to Dance-Show Relaxo!" (for Toronto audiences who know Rancho Relaxo)

OR-

2) "Dancemakers = Pant-shakers - we get you moving."

ALSO

3) "Has working all week like a mindless insect made you angry as a Klingon warlord? Then Khan-tempered harried ants (contemporary dance) is just the thing for you." (a tad convoluted?)

4) "Metaphor Moses never met a more faux sis? Ovid's Metamorphoses, from Dancemakers: twisting tongues, arms, legs and minds together for over 30 years."

5) "At our spectacle, (ex)spect tickles!"

5/07/2005

RICHARD GEAR?

Dear Pungents, I have just bought a new road bike, a Trek 1200; it is black, white, red and aluminum coloured. I was hoping you could help me with a punny name for it, somehow relating it to one or more of the following: I'm an aerospace grad student, I usually mountain bike (not road bike), and my mountain bike's name is Pumpkin. Thanks! ~Marc, Toronto

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) Eros Pace - she flies at the speed of love

2) The Highway RAWBer - Red, Alum, White and Black

3) Not the Thinker, but the Rider: aka Auguste Roadin.

4) Flower Pedals?

4/26/2005

ARTY HAR HAR

Dear Pungents, I need a catchy title for an art gallery show of both fine art and folk art - sort of a meeting of the two. It should have character while still being classy. ~Emma, Toronto

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) Bi Artisan (or 'Buy Artisan' to increase gallery sales)
2) The Fine Folks Exhibit
3) Triple-F-rated: Fine Folk Fusion
4) Fine-Folk art: Handy meets Dandy

4/22/2005

CHORTLE PORTAL

Dear Pungents,I need a name for a university student portal.~Blue Vulcan, Toronto

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT

1) A portal for for medical students: The portal vein

2) A portal for for dental students: An e-full port-dent (evil portent)

3) The uni bin (looney bin)

4) If the portal has a job section: Hire education

4/19/2005

WIGGLE GIGGLES

Dear Pungents, I love this website :) Okay Gents - I just started belly-dancing lessons and am loving the crazy wiggling! Give me a pun to sassily and savvily express my delight, and to entice others to take up dancing lessons with me! ~Kimmy, West Bay, Grand Cayman Island

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) "Belly dancing - it's no waist of time!"

2) "It's out of this whirled!"

3) "If you don't join then you must be into belly duncing - 'cuz you're a dummy not to get down wit' da tummy!"

4) "I promise the instructor will make you feel comfortable. It's not bully dancing!"

5) "You have no excuse not to dance like Ali Baba - in fact I think it's 'alibi 'bye'!" (ok that is horrible)

6) "C'mon, all you lonely ladies - by gyrating, you'll increase your guy rating!"

4/17/2005

STUCK IN THE FRIEND ZONE

Dear Pungents, what a good idea; originality these days is a rare commodity! I'd like a pun about my situation involving having feelings for a woman who's seeing another man. It would help me cope with this impossible thing called being 'friends'. ~Jason, Toronto

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) "I'm sick of being Platonic - I need some lay tonic!"

2) "She's got the wrong man, and I've got the right hand!"

3) "My feelings for her are like a cancer in my heart. They should call them chemotions!"

4) "They should call me The Relationship Butcher: why did I have to beef-rend her?"

5) "I'm in love, but she must be in loaf, 'cause when I think of what went wrong I just say d'ough!"

6) (bilingual:) "I'm better off sleeping with all of Paris to forget, because when it comes to me and her it's just 'baise France'!"

4/15/2005

DON'T DUE ME LIKE THAT?

Dear Pungents, I need something to describe having 15 four-hour (or longer) projects to do and everyone wanting them done all on the same day. ~Mike, Georgetown, Ontario

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) Project-ire vomiting
2) Time consume-me-ing!
3) Dreadlines
4) The Demandibles of Death
5) The Grim Report

4/12/2005

HOP ON THE BAND-DRAGON

Dear Pungents, I'm on a new dragon boat team representing The Duke of Edinburgh's Award Holders Association. Check www.dukeofed.org to see what the Award is about. We're looking for slogans for our team t-shirts to be worn in the Toronto Dragon Boat Festival. Thanks! ~Phil, Toronto

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) "Dragon boating: Having a hull of a time."

2) "The Ducks of Edinburgh - we paddle like quackheads."

3) "From dragon to braggin': Duke of Ed = first place."

4) "The Duke's Ducks - looking for a stroke of luck!"

5) "We have the Duke of Edinburgh - you other guys just have head-in-burrow."

6) "Duke's Dragons: Youth breathing fire down to the wire (not a pun).

7) "We're on steer-oids!"

8) "Get your mind out of the rudder - full steam ahead."

4/03/2005

THESES VS. THE PUNOTAUR?

Dear Pungents, alright, I actually paid your asses! Grad students unite! Now, I'm doing a thesis using qualitative methods; specifically in-depth, semi-structured interviews. Could you give me a few puns on this motif. ~Dre, Oshawa, Ontario

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) "Before research techniques were codified, all social science papers were reliable as crap. They should have called them graduate feces."

2) "My interview data may raise a small storm of controversy. That's what happens with squallitative methods."

3) "Did the study on racial epithets make use of in-depth slurveys?"

4) "I took some hardcore drugs to clarify my thinking about research protocols. I'm a big fan of the crystal meth-od."

5) "My conclusions just won't stick. I need some ad-thesive!"

4/02/2005

DOC-DOC JOKE

Dear Pungents, a pun please for an anaesthetist who came to Toronto from PEI to visit his daughter. And/or a pun about medicine, the aforementioned doctor, Summerside, PEI and a new hospital. Doctors love punning in the O.R. and I want my dad to have the punning edge! ~Marie, Toronto

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) "Anaesthetists have a lot of options. With them it's ether/or."
OR
2) "My anaesthetist father never lets me have my way. He always puts me under the neither!"

3) "Anaesthetists are obsessed with their patients' hair - they're always keeping track of Vidal signs."

4) "Did you hear about the posh anaethetist? He went to an IV League school!"

5) "When I moved to Toronto my dad got so upset he stopped believing in God. I guess it's cause he's an atheistician."

6) "Why are proctologists like anaesthetists? Because they're anus-squeezy-ologists!"

Also

7) "Prince Edward Islanders are becoming morbidly obese. No wonder they located a new hospital in Sumoside."

8) "This new facility ain't worth a prostitute's saliva! They should have called it the Summerside Ho-Spittle."

4/01/2005

WHO LAUGHS LEFT, LAUGHS BEST

Dear Pungents, as a fellow lefty I always notice a person's dominant hand *write* away. Can you think of some pick-up lines I can use on left-handed fellows? Thanks. ~Deborah, Vancouver

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) "Down with Ritey!"

2) "You're a healthy guy, I noticed you eat a lot of fibre. It must be your right branned thinking."

3) "Show me who's my daddy - I wanna call you my south pa."

4) "Ned Flanders gets me hot and bothered. So come back home to my left-hornium."

5) "I wanna ride your jumbo jet - I'll be a passenger on Lefthansa."

6) "Ambi sextrous?"

7) "Can't we just share the lefter?"

3/29/2005

PUN GENTS = DICTAT-WHORES

Dear Pungents, please use the word 'dictate' in a sentence. Thanks! ~Am, Toronto

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) "Someone who got screwed over in Port-au-Prince is a dicked-Haitian."

2) "Scandinavian crisps are made from Nordic 'taters."

3) "Detest pronouncements from on high? Then you're an edict hater!"

4) "Dicked? Aid yourself!"

3/27/2005

RIDEO* GAMES

Dear Pungents, I'm looking for video game-related puns for use on a gaming website. ~Pogowolf, Indianapolis, Indiana

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) "Who's cares that it's addictive - I'm havin a Halova time!"

2) "Do priests like to play Nuntendo? Or do they prefer Sony Praystation? And what about the Atari Krishnas?!"

3) "I was always skeptical about Sega Genesis - they called me Cynic the Hedgehog!"

4) "Did you hear about the copyright infringement suit launched against PS2? They're calling it Grand Theft Motto."

5) "Before video games ended their plumbing careers, which of the Mario Bros. worked servicing restrooms in Glasgow? Loo-Weegie!"

*
rideo means "I laugh" in Latin


3/24/2005

HORS 'DER'VRE

Dear Pungents, der - can't think of anything, sorry. ~Tony, Devon, United Kingdom

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) "Can't think of anything? You must be in a whirling 'der'-vish!"


3/23/2005

GREEN THUMP

Dear Pungents, I need a pun for the eternal problem: that weeds seem to thrive in the garden more than the hoped-for flowers. ~Mary, Eaton, Ontario

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) "It's a plague of dandelions! Good thing I've been weeding the Bible."

2) "Forget fertilizer - I need a fertilaser!"

3) "These weeds love to multiply after dark - they have a night-rate fixation!" (nitrate fixation - quite nerdy)

4) "My garden has not turned out as I plant."

5) "I need to stop these weeds on the mitochondrial level - that will end this Kreb-grass cycle!" (crabgrass/Krebs cycle - EXTREMELY nerdy)

6) "Oops, looks like I was accidentally using a weed-waker!"

7) "My garden doesn't produce any veggies, so I guess I'll resort to eating Bavarians. Nothing I plant seems to German-ate!"

8) Bonus non-pun: "Man am I hosed!"

3/22/2005

SNOW PROBLEM

Dear Pungents, I am going to Mt. Tremblant this week, skipping school while I'm at it. I'd love a punny MSN nickname to tell people not to expect me around for the next few days. Thanks! ~Brian, Toronto

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) "One Tough Hooky"

2) "Sorry but I had to ski-daddle"

3) "Needed to get away for a ski trip - my schoolwork was getting slopey!"

4) "Taking a Powder" (not a pun)

5) "Having a hill of a time"

6) "In the bathroom, tremblant from the runs!"


3/21/2005

PODShine Girl?

Dear Pungents, I wanna be a PunShine Girl - and I'm looking for a sexy 'Bible Belt' pun to pose with. Got any suggestions? ~Mariza, The Grove, Toronto

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) "What do you call a zealous fundamentalist in the sack? A Bible humper!"

2) "Why is it illegal to look at actress Moore in many Southern states? Because they don't allow saw-Demi!"

3) "What do Moses and a gynecologist have in common? They both have seen the burning bush!" (not a pun, but fun)

4) Visit Mariza in PunShines for the winning pun!

3/20/2005

POETIC LICENCE

Dear Pungents, I like to make my car's licence-plate letters refer to me. My last plate was ABFT; I was born in Toledo, Ontario, thus 'A Babe From Toledo'. Unfortunately I had to turn those plates in. My new letters are AVTA; I've had the car three days and have been working on it, but thought you could help. I'm single and I drive a cool car; I need to personalize this new plate. Thanks! ~Rita, Sudbury, Ontario

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) AVTA: A Very Tasty Angel
2) A Velocity-Tossin Animal
3) A Very Tough Ass
4) A Visionary Through Art
5) A Voluptuous Tender Apple
6) All Vision, Total Action
7) Awesome Vixen, Terrific Attitude
8) Automatic Vehicular Transport Apparatus

bonus 'silly' options:
8) Angry Vegan, Terrorized (by) Alzheimers?
9) Amiable Veneer - Television Actor
10) A Virtuous Teenager Always
11) A Vengeful, Troubled Arsonist

3/17/2005

THE GYM JAM

Dear Pungents, my friend and I are opening a gymnastics studio with a juice bar. We are looking for a very clever name for our studio. Your help is much appreciated. ~Robert (and Lindsay), Toronto

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) The Juice-box - Come, kickbox and relax!
2) Summersalts - Now with outdoor patio?
3) Studio 'Twist' - Where leverage meets beverage
4) Enter the Mat-tricks (Matrix)
OR
The Mattrix Studio and Bar - Stick the landing, twist the lemon!
5) The Gym-bar-ee (Jamboree)
6) Gym Nasty - We're far from 'Routine'
7) Studio G - Get giuiced!
8) Matamaticians
9) The Pike Vault

For the bar itself:

10) Gymniotic Fluids
11) Carrot-Stick the Landing;
OR JUST
The Landing
12) Bar Parallel
13) Fizzical
14) The Tumbler

3/16/2005

PAR PARABLE

Dear Pungents, I am organizing a church (Baptist) golf tournament and would like a few puns to help advertise the event. ~Ron, Toronto

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) "Fairway to Heaven"

2) "What wood would Jesus do?"

3) "Join our church golf tournament - competition will be steeple!"

4) "Get filled with the holey spirit!"

3/15/2005

FRESH DE-LIVERY

Dear Pungents, can I have a pun about drinking and liver spots? ~ K, Toronto

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

"Liver spots? Slurred speech? You can tell an alcoholic by his abbeerances!" [works best if read aloud]

3/12/2005

TRASH TALK

Dear Pungents, overlooking guideline #2 for POD, we are in the 'refuse/garbage' business which we like to call waste disposal. We send 'bins' or 'containers' to businesses, construction sites and homes. They fill the bin with their un-wanted items/waste; we pick it up and dump it at our waste transfer station where it's re-loaded into tractor trailers and sent to landfill. Can you help us with a slogan we can use on side of our bins or in other advertising media? ~ John, Whitby, Ontario

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) "A proven truck-record"

2) "Dedicated service: because the compostman always rings twice!"

3) "Need pollution solutions? We've bin at it for years."

4) "Cheap hauling rates! You get mileage from our pileage."

5) "Are we qualified? Just look at our garbadge." [ok that is silly]

6) "We can't container enthusiasm! But we contain everything else!"

3/11/2005

NEED-SLAPPERS

Dear Pungents, I need a name for a group of 10-to-16 year olds whose brothers or sisters have significant special needs. The siblings seem to have the same twisted sense of humour/coping skills as their parents, and are quite comfortable with "Autism Rocks!" or "My brother got encephalitis and all I got was this lousy t-shirt" jokes. What can you come up with that makes people laugh with them?
~ Anonymous

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) "The Emergency Roomers - practically paying rent at the hospital."

2) "The Special Nerds - when it comes to disabilities, we know it all."

3) "Patients with Patience."

4) [shirt to wear in hospital] "You're looking at a familiar face: ICU every day."

5) "More Kissable than Disable - my special needs sister/brother is cute!"

6) [bonus nonpun] "My sister's in the hospital - and I'm in therapy."

3/10/2005

SPONSOR RESPONSE

Dear Pungents, a tasteful pun please for a small child sponsorship organization that works in villages in developing countries. ~ Pat, Halifax, Nova Scotia

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) "For the price of a glass of Koolade, they get a month of school aid."

2) "Poverty envelopes them; you can develop them." (not pun but catchy slogan)

3) "Give a dam: help stop the rising tide of child poverty."

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