Puns on Demand

Dear Pungents, I need something to describe having 15 four-hour (or longer) projects to do and everyone wanting them done all on the same day. ~Mike, Georgetown, Ontario

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) Project-ire vomiting
2) Time consume-me-ing!
3) Dreadlines
4) The Demandibles of Death
5) The Grim Report

Dear Pungents, I’m on a new dragon boat team representing The Duke of Edinburgh’s Award Holders Association. Check www.dukeofed.org to see what the Award is about. We’re looking for slogans for our team t-shirts to be worn in the Toronto Dragon Boat Festival. Thanks! ~Phil, Toronto

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) “Dragon boating: Having a hull of a time.”

2) “The Ducks of Edinburgh – we paddle like quackheads.”

3) “From dragon to braggin’: Duke of Ed = first place.”

4) “The Duke’s Ducks – looking for a stroke of luck!”

5) “We have the Duke of Edinburgh – you other guys just have head-in-burrow.”

6) “Duke’s Dragons: Youth breathing fire down to the wire (not a pun).

7) “We’re on steer-oids!”

8) “Get your mind out of the rudder – full steam ahead.”

Dear Pungents, alright, I actually paid your asses! Grad students unite! Now, I’m doing a thesis using qualitative methods; specifically in-depth, semi-structured interviews. Could you give me a few puns on this motif. ~Dre, Oshawa, Ontario

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) “Before research techniques were codified, all social science papers were reliable as crap. They should have called them graduate feces.”

2) “My interview data may raise a small storm of controversy. That’s what happens with squallitative methods.”

3) “Did the study on racial epithets make use of in-depth slurveys?”

4) “I took some hardcore drugs to clarify my thinking about research protocols. I’m a big fan of the crystal meth-od.”

5) “My conclusions just won’t stick. I need some ad-thesive!”

Dear Pungents, a pun please for an anaesthetist who came to Toronto from PEI to visit his daughter. And/or a pun about medicine, the aforementioned doctor, Summerside, PEI and a new hospital. Doctors love punning in the O.R. and I want my dad to have the punning edge! ~Marie, Toronto

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) “Anaesthetists have a lot of options. With them it’s ether/or.”
OR
2) “My anaesthetist father never lets me have my way. He always puts me under the neither!”

3) “Anaesthetists are obsessed with their patients’ hair – they’re always keeping track of Vidal signs.”

4) “Did you hear about the posh anaethetist? He went to an IV League school!”

5) “When I moved to Toronto my dad got so upset he stopped believing in God. I guess it’s cause he’s an atheistician.”

6) “Why are proctologists like anaesthetists? Because they’re anus-squeezy-ologists!”

Also

7) “Prince Edward Islanders are becoming morbidly obese. No wonder they located a new hospital in Sumoside.”

8) “This new facility ain’t worth a prostitute’s saliva! They should have called it the Summerside Ho-Spittle.”

Dear Pungents, as a fellow lefty I always notice a person’s dominant hand *write* away. Can you think of some pick-up lines I can use on left-handed fellows? Thanks. ~Deborah, Vancouver

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) “Down with Ritey!”

2) “You’re a healthy guy, I noticed you eat a lot of fibre. It must be your right branned thinking.”

3) “Show me who’s my daddy – I wanna call you my south pa.”

4) “Ned Flanders gets me hot and bothered. So come back home to my left-hornium.”

5) “I wanna ride your jumbo jet – I’ll be a passenger on Lefthansa.”

6) “Ambi sextrous?”

7) “Can’t we just share the lefter?”

Dear Pungents, please use the word ‘dictate’ in a sentence. Thanks! ~Am, Toronto

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) “Someone who got screwed over in Port-au-Prince is a dicked-Haitian.”

2) “Scandinavian crisps are made from Nordic ‘taters.”

3) “Detest pronouncements from on high? Then you’re an edict hater!”

4) “Dicked? Aid yourself!”

Dear Pungents, I’m looking for video game-related puns for use on a gaming website. ~Pogowolf, Indianapolis, Indiana

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) “Who’s cares that it’s addictive – I’m havin a Halova time!”

2) “Do priests like to play Nuntendo? Or do they prefer Sony Praystation? And what about the Atari Krishnas?!”

3) “I was always skeptical about Sega Genesis – they called me Cynic the Hedgehog!”

4) “Did you hear about the copyright infringement suit launched against PS2? They’re calling it Grand Theft Motto.”

5) “Before video games ended their plumbing careers, which of the Mario Bros. worked servicing restrooms in Glasgow? Loo-Weegie!“

*rideo means “I laugh” in Latin

Dear Pungents, der – can’t think of anything, sorry. ~Tony, Devon, United Kingdom

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) “Can’t think of anything? You must be in a whirling ‘der’-vish!”

Dear Pungents, I need a pun for the eternal problem: that weeds seem to thrive in the garden more than the hoped-for flowers. ~Mary, Eaton, Ontario

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) “It’s a plague of dandelions! Good thing I’ve been weeding the Bible.”

2) “Forget fertilizer – I need a fertilaser!”

3) “These weeds love to multiply after dark – they have a night-rate fixation!” (nitrate fixation – quite nerdy)

4) “My garden has not turned out as I plant.”

5) “I need to stop these weeds on the mitochondrial level – that will end this Kreb-grass cycle!” (crabgrass/Krebs cycle – EXTREMELY nerdy)

6) “Oops, looks like I was accidentally using a weed-waker!”

7) “My garden doesn’t produce any veggies, so I guess I’ll resort to eating Bavarians. Nothing I plant seems to German-ate!”

8) Bonus non-pun: “Man am I hosed!”

Dear Pungents, I am going to Mt. Tremblant this week, skipping school while I’m at it. I’d love a punny MSN nickname to tell people not to expect me around for the next few days. Thanks! ~Brian, Toronto

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) “One Tough Hooky“

2) “Sorry but I had to ski-daddle“

3) “Needed to get away for a ski trip – my schoolwork was getting slopey!”

4) “Taking a Powder” (not a pun)

5) “Having a hill of a time”

6) “In the bathroom, tremblant from the runs!”