Puns on Demand

Dear Pungents, I need a pun to write on my friend’s 19th birthday card. I want him to know that I really appreciate his help and his jokes. ~ Kathryn, Vancouver

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) “You’re lucky you’re no longer fodder for cannibals. They only ate teens!”

2) “If it wasn’t for all your kelp, I’d have long ago started smoking pot. Then I’d only see weed!”

3) “I love how you’re always a round – so happy girthday!”

4) “Harpy bday – I pulled some strings to write you these jokes!”

Dear Pungents, I need a pun about the pope’s recent surgery to use at the hospital where I work. Please help!
~ Rob, Kingston, Ontario

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) “Don’t give up Pope!”

2) “When the doctors inserted the tracheotomy tube, all they heard was a loud popeing sound.”

3) “Let’s hope he gets well soon, since he’s so pope-ular!”

4) “The pope was tired, so the doctors told him to trach (“trake”) five.”

5) “I hope the pope gets well. He’s such a powerful guy. His influenza is felt around the world!”

Dear Pungents, what can give me about a 60-year-old male named Lance who is infatuated with a new lady-friend and is acting like a swooning teenager? ~ Les, Duncan, BC

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) “That man is a snake! He is carrying on like it’s an affair-de-Lance!”

2) “He’s acting so strangely! It baffles me how this new woman continues to be excited about visiting such foreign Lance!”

3) “Our male friend gets on our nerves every night – I’m tiring of Lance a lot!”

4) “I’m just not N’Sync with Lance’s Bass desires!”

Dear Pungents, I need a snappy title for my university paper about the elusive Canadian neo-conservative. Up for the challenge? ~ Ashley, Toronto

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) PC phone home: getting in touch with the neo-Con-adian

2) Neo-can-undrum: wither right wing?

3) The Great Right North

4) What’s the Tory, morning glory?

5) Can-servative vessels finding safe Harper? [ok this is a bit ridiculous]

Dear Pungents, I loved the story in the Post! Both I and my mother-in-love adore puns and punditry so we wish you the best of luck. I’m looking for a pun about urban living, modern life and rentals or leasing. Trying to get a name for a potential rental business, and I love puns. Please prove my husband wrong. ~ LeAnne, Calgary

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) Affordable Rentals – it’s the lease you can do!

2) City Gardens Leasing: Lettuce let you!

3) Good Relationship Properties: where Meeting the ‘Rents isn’t so painful.

4) Cosmopolitan Rentals: where urban meets turban

Dear Pungents, I need a pun for the celebration of 50 years of marriage. ~ Gerry, Victoria, British Columbia

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) “To make it to our golden anniversary, I had to offer her more carats than sticks!”

2) “Our marriage hasn’t got the bite it once did – fifty years later and I’m her in-denture-d servant!”

3) [after already making a pun] “I shouldn’t make such pungent remarks on my fiftieth anniversary – but she is my beloved whiff!”

Dear Pungents, perhaps you can make a pun about chefs or cooking students? Thanks! ~ Eida, Toronto

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) “Who has to deal with food-poisoning litigation? The sue-chefs! Do sommeliers also make in-cork appearances? Yes, they’re often winin’ in front of a judge!”

2) “What’s the most Pun Gent spice? Pap-reeka.”

3) “On Valentine’s day do chefs set the loven to high?”

Dear Pungents, I read your article in the National Post and thought I’d give you a shot. I’m buying an ipod and get free engraving on the back. I’d like to have it engraved with something related to music; I’m restricted to two lines with 23 characters maximum on each line. Ideas? ~ Kelly, Toronto

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) Hooked on sonics
2) “Causin’ some treble with my bass desires…”
3) Kelly’s meloddities [if you have ‘different’ tastes]
4) “Listen up: i am Poddy-trained!”
5) Ear ye, ear ye
6) Stupod music [if you’re nickname’s Stu]
7) “Only old men get shuffle-bored.”

Dear Pungents, my first grand-daughter, Zoe, was born on Feb 10. She is an Aquarius, born in the year of the rooster. Her parents are the Smiths. Got any puns? ~ Ken, Ottawa, Ontario

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) “She was born in the year of the rooster – I know it because I’m a Zoe-ologist!”

2) “It’s the year of the cock, and Team Smith has added Zoe to their rooster.”

3) “Born in February, Zoe’s already got a zest for knowledge – I know she’ll be a-query-us child!”

Dear Pungents, with the recent coverage of the Vatican’s decision to back exorcism studies for their priests, I was hoping you could give me some devilish puns! An exorcism course – what could’ve possessed them? ~ Joe, Toronto

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) “A man who’s possessed is also constipated – he’s got the loo-suffer!”

2) “Sick with demons? My grandma would have them gargoyle with salt water!”

3) “Exorcism course at Vatican U? Is that mandatory or hell-ective?”