Pun Gents

Dear Pungents: my parents will be visiting from the East Coast in May. I’d like some pungerific words of advice for when they navigate the streets of Toronto. Thanks as always! ~ East Coast Dog, Toronto

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) “If you’re visiting the Japanese area, wok – don’t run.”

2) “There’s more to Toronto than just CN the tower.”

3) “If you go to the Royal Ontario Museum, check out the donkey that’s on loan from the Enterprise. It’s ROM-mule-in!”

4) “Be careful doing laundry in Miss-a-sock-a!”

5) “Lost downtown? Remember that west of the DVP, the grass is always greener and the street is always Bloor.”

6) “Don’t be afraid to get your feet dirty walking around – that’s why they’re called Tar-on-toenians!”

Dear Pungents: next week I’m going to France on business, and I’d love a few puns to share with my Canadian colleagues about Paris while we’re there. Any ideas, you punning geniuses you? ~ Heather, Ottawa, Ontario

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) “The hotels in France are always booked! For example, one cannot enter the Paris Hilton, as it is always full. You can’t even go in and out of that place quickly just to look around. They should rename it the Paris Filled-inn.”

2) “I hear the French have a great figure skating team. They do especially well in the Paris events!”

3) “If General Custer had conquered France, they’d call it the Trifle tower!“

4) “Does Sir Mix-a-Lot like French art? Yes – he likes to Louvre-it Louvre-it!“

5) “How did they dig the foundations of the famous art gallery? With earth-louvres.”

6) “Why did bandits move to the south side of the Seine? Because they wanted to hole up the Left Bank.“

7) “I hear lots of dogs visit the Arc du Tree-hump.“

8) “Last time I brought my girlfriend to the chomp Elise some guy bit her (but she’s not bitter)!”

(*warning* – the following Pun on Demand contains adult situations and innuendo)

Dear Pungents: How about a pun for a Canadian kid living in the States who just doesn’t get any respect? He’s constantly getting teased for his odd Canadian accent and for those floppy-headed characters from South Park, Terrence and Philip. ~ Christopolous Briggadopolous, East Greenbush, New York

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) “Won’t shut up? Well how’s this for deTerrence: I’ll Philip your ‘eh’-hole with a canuckle sandwich!”

2) “You know, I spend a lot of time with my Dick Cheney-saw, hacking at the Bush on the way to your sister’s Clintonoris… As a Canadian, I spend a lot of time in her Regina!”

3) “Cut the bull, or al gore you!”

Dear Pungents: It’s my mom’s birthday next week while she’s on holiday in St Lucia, and I need something punny to wish her a sun-sational time! ~ Claire, Belleville, Ontario

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) “I would go with you mom, but when it comes to me and St. Lucia – it’s Caribbean there, done that!“

2) “The nightlife is crazy there – It’s sane-lose-ya!”

3) “I hope the weather’s just luciaous!”

I teach five classes of sometimes bright, sometimes not, grade seven and eight students. What’s a pun I can use to subdue the questions I get during grammar lessons? Something like “I’ll take ‘noun’ of your questions at this time,” or “Would you repeat that again ‘verb’-atim?” But something with a stronger wit. ~ Marissa, Toronto

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) “You think I’m a witch for teaching this stuff? We haven’t even hit the hag-jectives yet!”

2) “Lucky you’re not in Catholic school – the priests make you study in the pray-position!”

3) “No grammar homework tonight – what a happy pronoun-cement!”

4) “What should a subject never say to a judge? ‘I – Object!‘”

I need a pun revolving around a legal education coupled to a genetics education. I leave the rest up to you. ~ Top Dog, Toronto

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) “If Darwin had to sign a waiver before shipping off on his genetics voyage, would you said it was because he was on allelegal Beagle?”

2) “Do students in the Galapagos study tortoise law?”

My boyfriend and I just bought two kittens who sometimes tear around our house at night and are a little noisy. Our parents are visiting this weekend, and I need a response to any kitten complaints that might come our way…. ~ Rebecca, Kingston, Ontario

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) “They’re noisy because they’re feline good!”

2) “I could feed them cat-a-tonic, but it knocks them out!”

3) “Cat you ignore the noise?”

4) “Relax – they’re just kitten around!”

I have a challenge for the punsters. Web Hosting, make that funny. Is it possible? ~ Sarah, Toronto

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) “How do priests make changes to their websites?
They use alter servers.“

2) “Why is it frustrating to update the frequently asked questions part of your site?
Because all you get is a big FAQ-queue!”

3) “What markup language did Prince Harry use to send out invites for his costume party?
See SS!”

I’m a distance runner and track coach. Sometimes the trips to races can get pretty boring (alphabet games,etc). Can you crank out some puns to help pick up the pace? ~ John, Montreal

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) “I’d love to race sometime in Helsinki – nothing’s sweeter than hitting that Finnish line.”

2) “This bus ride is nothing; I was just at a Greek Orthodox wedding, and the ceremony lasted 3 hours – talk about a marry-thon!”

3) “You know where ghosts hold sprint competitions? … On the wraith track!”