Puns on Demand

Dear Pun Gents, I'm chairing a school charity auction with an ocean beach/seashore theme and need some good plays on word for written communications to parents/donors. ~D, Washington DC

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1. Seas the day!
2. We are surfing the community.
3. Sand money now.
4. We'll be selling tide-dyed shirts

Dear Pun Gents, nine girls are moving into a college campus house and all the houses have short funny names that are painted on signs (eg: Tequila Mockingbird, etc.) We live on Beach street so anything with that, or nine girls or kites (our sorority symbol is a kite). Thanks!  ~Bonnie, Columbus, OH

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1. 'Neuf Said [if you speak French]
2. Kite Club
3. Pledger Island

Dear Pun Gents, our wedding save-the-date card is a film noir movie poster and we need a Gene Shalit-style punny one-liner about marriage as if it were a film review. ~Karen, Los Angeles

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1. The Quick and the Wed
2. Starring 'May Weds'
3. Aisle be back.
4. Thrill bride of the summer!
5. Shake your bonboniere.

Dear Pun Gents, My wife and I own a bar, which also includes a liquor store and casino. We need a cool pun for our new hats and t-shirts. ~Tom, Frenchtown, MT

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1. Your win-dough to the world.
2. Who’s up for some slotty behaviour?
3. Gamble on in!

Dear Pun Gents, Something about popcorn, like "Look who's poppin' into 7th grade." Mix of school and popcorn. ~John, Houston

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1. Kernels of wisdom
2. You should be doing butter in school.
3. Be one of the pop-ular kids.

Dear Pun Gents, I need a good name for a running relay team! ~Christine, Whitehorse, Yukon

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1. Save Our Soles
2. Batonomous Collective
3. Baton Rouge
4. Relay Fast

Dear Pun Gents, I'm handing out crab mallets as favors for a bridal shower with a crab-cake recipe. Need a clean pun related to crab mallet, crabcakes, and marriage. ~Lauren, Lawrence, KS

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1. Mallet-adjusted behaviour
2. Pre-nuptial claws
3. Don't put up with any crab!
4. You can't be shellfish in marriage.

Dear Pun Gents, I need a pun involving mobsters. ~Timothy, Mount Morris, NY

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1. Why did Tony kill his Amway supplier? The Soap ran out.
2. Mobster puns are the corleone-ist.
3. Movie about the death of a mobster: Don to Dust
4. Mobsters are pansies: they act so Sicily.
5. Mobster porn: Good Phallus.

Dear Pun Gents, I have to do a best man speech for guy who is interested in model railways, loves Top Gun and eats loads of bacon – any decent ideas? ~Ed, Ripon, UK

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1. She'll have him at her bacon call.
2. His fiance trained him well.
3. He's a railly lucky guy.
4. When I heard he was getting married I thought he had a loco motive.

Dear Pun Gents, I need a saying for an alumni softball tournament t-shirt. I am from a small town and drinking is a hobby. The pun can be about softball, drinking, or both! ~Elise, Welsh

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1. Playing softball is a wasted opportunity
2. Play too much softball and, afterward, you'll spend all night hurling.
3. Why do pitchers scrath their balls on the mound? Because it's slope itch.