Puns on Demand

Dear Pungents, something with the name ‘Melissa’ please. ~Melissa, Johor Bahru, Malaysia

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT

1. Melissa is so mean: she’s full of Melissa-essness.
2. Sikhs find her so attractive: she’s a Sikh-heating Melissa’l.
3. Melissa, my lass.

Dear Pungents, an aggressive name for a roller derby skater using the word pixie or fairie. ~Mark

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1. Fairie Dangerous
2. The Pixie Dickheads
3. Pixie Your Nose.
4. Wheel Fairie You to Your Death.

Dear Pungents, I need something related to special education; irreverant is ok! I have taught sp.ed. for 18 years and have a great sense of humor about it. ~Christine, Cleveland, Ohio

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1. Retarded amputee children have special knees.
2. ADHD kids love puns — they need their riddlin’ on a daily basis.
3. Special ed classrooms are very secure: they’re usually double- or triple-dolted.

Dear Pungents, I am making saxophone section T-shirts for a marching band, and would love to include a one-liner pun about saxes. Thanks! ~Julie, Denver, Colorado

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1. Horny for a Blow
2. Pay for Sax? — Slip me a tenor!
3. We love phone-Sax
4. We reed music.
5. We toot our own horns.

Dear Pungents, I need a 10-pin bowling team name. We are two guys and two girls; we’re in the legal department for Hilton Hotels and we have just been taken over by a group called Blackstone. ~John, London, UK

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1. Wearing Pin Striked Suites
2. Balls Inn the Gutter
3. Spare Room at the Inn?

Dear Pungents, I play Toontown and want to name my black cat “Inna Galaxy Fur Away” but it keeps getting rejected. Any help with a play on words would be appreciated. Thanks a million! ~Tina, Louisville, Kentucky

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1. Furrocious
2. Clawedball
3. CTRL-Tabby
4. Jack Black Cat

Dear Pungents, I need some puns for categories on an email I am sending: classical is the first, then R&B; and soul, and hard rock and metal. ~Eve, Maidenhead

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1. Head of the Classical
2. Souler System
3. Hard Rock Abs
4. Breakfast at R&B;’s [Arby’s]
5. Gold Metal
6. Test Your Metal

Dear Pungents, my school choir is running a concession stand for various sports, and we want a musically related pun as a name for the stand, that might also have to do with us selling snacks. Any ideas? ~Callie, Florence, Oregon

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1. The clef’d palette
2. A-choir snacks here.
3. Our food will make (m)u sic.
4. Bar. Rest. Beat (it).
5. Follow the smellody
6. Hummus a tuna?
7. Porchestra
8. Your stomach’s in treble.

Dear Pungents, I need a pun for an article about film stars (actors, directors etc) who go on to success after studying at Oxford University. I’ve got ‘From dreaming spires to screaming admirers’ but I need something punchier. ~Guy, Oxford, UK

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1. From Oxford to Oscar
2. From Oxford to Fox’s Door
3. Hired Education
4. Academia to the Academy
5. Do the Oxtrot
6. They Rhodes into the Sunset
7. From Latin Mass to Matinee Lass

Dear Pungents, can I get a few puns on racism? Not racist puns obviously—I’m mixed-race—but dealing with the subject, maybe making fun of racists if you understand. Thanks. Big up, keep doin ya things. ~Ed Azocul, Glucoseville

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1. How do you get rid of racism? Erasism.
2. Racists are nutty. Just look at the cuckoo klux klan.