Puns on Demand

Dear Pungents, I’m a grad student at the U of T Institute for Aerospace Studies, and our Aerospace Student Association needs a punny slogan to put on the back of this year’s shirts for sale. Some great puns are in order. As an example, last year’s was ‘Get high the Wright way‘. Thanks Gents! ~Marc, Toronto

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1. “ASA: proudly following the teachings of Aileron Hubbard.”

2. “We never blow our fuselage.”

3. “Insert slogan here [space permitting].” (play on words)

4. “Aerospace: it’s uplifting.” (pow)

5. “We’re always raising a flap.” (pow)

6. “ASA: give us a party, and we’ll rocket.”

7. “Practice safe treks. Always use a rudder.”

Dear Pungents, please – a pun about slime. Thanks ~Chris, Seattle, WA

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) “What the muck!?”

2) “This is not a very goo request.”

3) “In hell, do the bars serve Coke with a lice of slime?” (spooner)

Dear Pungents, my beautiful older sister is turning 60 and easily looks in her mid-forties. She has blonde hair and blue eyes, is 5’4″, petite, sweet and all-around a good person and great sister. I want something clever to say on her birthday without hurting her feelings or putting her down on turning 60. ~Patty, Lubbock, Texas

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) “You’re one Sixy Beast!”

2) “You’re a sight to be senior!”

3) “You’re still young. When you sing Happy Birthday, you won’t win any Granny Awards!”

Dear Pungents, I’m about to whoop my housemates’ asses in a waffle-making contest, and I need a good pun to throw their way when I’m declared the winner. ~Toxic Chi, Toronto

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) “Couldn’t you do any batter?”

2) “I’m waffle. You’re just woeful.”

3) “I’m the foodal lord; you’re the lowly syr’p (serf).”

4) “Yours tasted so bad… what – did you think we were making Belchin’ waffles?”

5) “After I humiliate you, it’ll be ‘Leggo my ego‘!”

Finally

6) “My recipe – it packs a brunch!”

Dear Pungents, I need a pun about a bicycling team that works hard, and their perseverance pays off ~Abby, Decatur, Georgia

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) “It was tire-ing, but our actions have spoke for us!”

2) “This is our best gear ever!”

3) “We’re riding our own story!”

4) “We faced many obstacles but our spirit did not brake!”

Dear Pungents, I need a pun that basically says, “Dont drink dirty water, because you might get cholera!” ~Mark, Ottawa, Ontario

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) “This is one choler you don’t want hear from.”

2) “Waterborne diseases – they grab you by the choler.”

3) “What’s worse than back pain? Bacteria pain!”

4) (more literary) “Did Choleridge keep a diarrhea?”
OR
5) “Even Anne Frank didn’t make that many diarrhea entries.”

6) “E.Coli – it ain’t no eco-lie: the dirty truth about cholera.”

7) “Stop! Water you doing? Think before you drink.”

Dear Pungents, I need something for a get well card that I’m writing on a hockey puck. I already have a puck that says “Merry puckin Christmas” and “Happy puckin birthday”; now I need one for “get well”… all I came up with was “slap-shot yourself better real soon.” Not too funny. ~Michele, Chicago, Illinois

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) “I heard you’ve been a bit down on your puck – but at least you get to play hockey from work (or school).”

2) “Good health should be your number one goalie.”

3) “I’m glad your illness is in de crease.”

4) “Pucker up! Get better so I can kiss you.”

5) “I hope your disease won’t leave any puck marks.”

6) “‘Shot’ happens… get well soon.”

FINALLY

7) “I’ve been worrying my faceoff.”

(this is a real request, no joke!)

Dear Pungents, I’m a huge fan of your site. I want to spread the word about who you are and what you do, but I’m unsure how to describe it in kind. Help me to think of some witty puns about yourselves? Thanks a bunch. ~Naomi, Toronto

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

“Online punographers, pun-dits and pun krockers – The Pun Gents are local boys who’re fearless about getting feet dirty and plundering the language. That’s because we’re proud Tar-on-toenians. We were both born in 1978, on the 4th of July – aka Indie Pun Gents Day – and we fiercely protect our IndiePunGence.

Since our inauspicious beginnings in December 2004 we’ve been featured in: the National Post, Maisonneuve magazine and other print publications; were interviewed for a radio feature, and appeared several times on City-TV. In less than a year we’ve gone from mediocrity to media-jocularity!

PunGents.com has some unique features. Puns on Demand is the internet’s only custom joke and slogan service. And our Punshine Girls and Boys are so renowned for their sexy wordplay, quick tongues and hot dictionary skills that our site is in danger of getting a triple-‘lex’ rating!

And live performances! Pat recently won the bronze medal at the O. Henry Pun-off in Austin, Texas, the most famous (pun-related) joke contest in the world. The first ever Canadian puntestant, Pat wowed the pun-off crowd with his ‘cannibal’ puns; he took them in gest, and they ate him up, with relish – that’s no can o’ bull. The Gents hope to inaugurate a similar pun contest in Toronto, the Ron Maclean All-CanEHdian punoff in honour of Hockey Night in Canada’s celebrated punster. We’ve been dogging Ron for his attention, because we’re just rabid about this frothcoming event. So c’mon Ron, how bout a little tete-a-tetanus!

Sadly, laugh remains difficult. While we have gained a small bit of notoriety for ourselves, the majority of punsters around the world still suffer abuse at the hands of the groaneral population. The Gents will soon chronicle their trials and tribulations in a har-hitting krockumentary, ‘Malice in Punderland‘ (ask us for a treatment). It will be a pun-ishing dreck-spose.

Also, we started up our own fashion subsidiary, Pun Gents Apparel. It’s surprising that either one of us would ever become fashion designers, but sometimes, shirt just happens. So click the link and buy one please; they come with a worn-tee.

Anyway that’s about it… As soon as we mention ‘Pun Gents Apparel’, we know it’s time to end the request.

Why’s that?

Because, yuk yuk, it’s our clothing line. (yikes)

Cheers,
The Gents

ps Thanks for your interest in our site; it’s been ass lice!”

Dear Pungents, I know a ‘kitchen’ is where bad taste ends and good taste begins, but can we have some more puns about that arooma of my condoment? ~Paul, Bethesda, Maryland

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) “Before eating your words, how should you cook them? With a my-crow-wave!”

2) (for linguists only) “How can you add a flavourful accent to your plates? Put them in the de-schwa-sher!”

3) “Speaking of which, is Justin Timberlake more qualified to be a dishwasher or a solo artist? Let’s just say he was better off In Sink!”

4) “Do rodentivores enjoy stoat-top stuffing? Yes – it can be prepared in a very weaselable amount of time.”

5) “At breakfast do cannibals like toes with jam?”

6) “Do jocks prefer drinking out of cups?” (POW)

7) “Were Hansel and Gretel initiated into the witches oven (coven)?”

8) “Boy these kitchen jokes are tasteless – someone must have put ’em in a blander.”

Dear Pungents, I need a headline/title for an article about public transportation (bus system) and how dirty and gross it is. Please ‘transfer’ me to the right person! ~Joshua, Ottawa, Ontario

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) From public transit to ‘pube-lice’ transit

2) Fare is foul!

3) Metro-city atrocity: riding the vomit comet

4) Filthy, grimy transit = bad for bus-iness