Puns on Demand

Dear Pungents, here’s a challenge: I need a pun to put on a pen to pass out at a friend’s wedding. (It’s a tradition in our little friend-group to pass out the pens) She’s a smartly dressed designer and he’s an engineer. They both like to work out. ~Laura, Chicago, IL

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

Dear Pungents, I wanted to make lip balms called “Balm Shells” but that name is taken. I need a clever name for a personality-based lip balm, very girly. ~Natalie, Toronto

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) Lipstream
2) Tulip Balm
3) La Balmba
4) Labial me Lovely
5) Loose Lips
6) Hiplips
7) Liposexy (better than liposuction you’ll agree)
8) Miss Kiss/Missy Kissy
9) Lipsterine
10) Nape Lipogon (like Lake Nipigon? no…)

Dear Pungents, a pun please about the death of Santa. ~Sophie, Manchester, UK

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) “He was taken by Satan’s claws.”

2) “He couldn’t take the stress of Xmas. So he sleighed himself.”

3) “Santa is no longer present.” (play on words)

4) “He got kicked in the head by a karate expert… It was the missile toe.”

5) “He shook like a bowl full of napalm jelly.” (not really a pun, but couldn’t resist)

6) “Jolly Old St. Nicked in the Jugular?”

7) “In France they’re calling him Pere No-More.”

8) “He ate too many elfelfa sprouts.”

Dear Pungents, a catchy name for a garden maintenance business, please. Thanks! ~Samuel, Plymouth, Cornwall, UK

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) Hoes and John [Deeres]
2) Hoesanna
3) Thumberjacks
4) Plant Parenthood
5) Lawnscapings
6) GardenGuard
7) Hedge Fun Management
8) You Bet Your Grass!
9) Cheshire-Cat Green [grin]
10) Total Soddisfaction [for lawn maintenance]
11) The Green Lawntern

Dear Pungents, could I please have a pun about a rugby playing lawyer? I like chocolate cheesecake. I’d also like to be a Punshine Boy. ~James, Toronto

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) “A defense attorney who plays rugby has to deal with the scrum of the earth.”

2) “After the game, my two colleagues and I pig out with a triple-lawyer cheesecake.”

3) “If Michael Jackson played rugby, would he get flagged by the touch judge?”

4) “The rugby-playing lawyer lived a double life: by day prosecuting johns in the courthouse, but at night practising as a hooker.”

Dear Pungents, I see Mark has beaten me to the request [see 10/26 POD]. I too was going to ask about a t-shirt slogan; this time it’s for the electrical engineer’s shirt. Last year’s was ‘CMOS run’. Funny ideas might include ideas:
-any of Maxwell’s equations, electricity/magnetism laws: Ampere’s Law, Faraday’s Law, Gauss’ Law, Coulomb’s Law
-the signal processing sinc function; the Fourier series
-circuit devices: MOSFETs, diodes, capacitors/inductors/resistors, maybe Thevenin/Norton techniques, phasor analysis
Thanks a lot! ~Greg, Toronto

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) “Who else loves diodes, capacitors and inductors? Check us out: we’re circuits freaks!”

2) “What are the favourite cookies of electrical engineers? Mr. Thevenin and Mr. Norton.”

3) “Don’t resist us – you’ll get ohmed!”

4) “We don’t shave; women like it Fourier.” [have to mispronounce it]

5) “Electrical engineers are horny… you’re giving me Max Swell!”

6) “We get it right the first time; everything else is re-volting.”

Dear Pungents, a pun please about advertisements concerning the company Pepsi. ~Kristin, Vancouver, BC

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) “Forget rotting teeth, these ads are rotting my brain. Somebody better col-a fizzician!”

2) “When I watch their commercials, it’s pap see!”

3) “Another darn Pepsi ad? I feel like I’m being soda-mized!”

Dear Pungents, I just saw you on Speakers Corner… I want a pun about – YOUR MOTHER! ~Mark, Toronto

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT

1) “Your mother’s so stew-pita [stupid], she runs a soup + falafel place!”

2) “Your mother’s so ogle-y [ugly], she looks at other men!”

3) “Your mother’s sofa-@ [fat], she has her own couch website!”

Dear Pungents, I would like a chortle-worthy comment for writing on a watermelon, for use in a catapult. ~Tim, Nelson, New Zealand

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) “We’re getting melon-evil [medieval] on your ass!”

2) “It’s a fruit-d’etat!”

3) “I’ll seed you in mel!” [I’ll see you in hell?… ouch]

4) “Spit-fire? I bet you never seed this coming!”

Dear Pungents, I’m looking for something witty for a swim team t-shirt. Ideas? ~Molly, Portland, Oregon

AS THE PUNGENTS SEE IT:

1. “Strokin it hard – We’re the breast!”

2. Freestylin’

3. “No Spitzing in the pool”

4. “I pity the pool!” (Mr. T image/voice needed)

5. All Goggley-Eyed

6. “We ain’t lane down for nobody.”

7. Chlorus Girls

8. Chlorine Dream