DRAMARAMA

I’m currently dating someone who is not only older than me, but who used to be my drama teacher. I’d like a good pun to ‘school’ any nay-sayers out there, or a punny way to explain the situation to friends. ~ Charlotte, Hamilton, Ontario

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) “He picked me up in theatre class — I call him King Leer!”

2) “I used to be his pupil… and now we have a grade relationship!”

3) “He kept me late one day — for datention!”

Finally (and a bit racier)

4) “Sure, he may be an aging dramatist — but he still knows how to ‘Shake’ his ‘speare’!”

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THE WEST ‘ZING’

I need a legal-type pun for when one of the partners comes into my office and asks me if I’m able to take some of their work and I’m trying to rush out the door to get home in time to watch an episode of the West Wing. ~ Chris T, Toronto

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) “Work overtime? What am I, an attorney, or a ‘never-to-home-returnee’?”

2) “…But my wife will sue me if I’m tardy — she can be quite late-igious.”

3) “Is this litigation, or late-again-tion?”

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TOILET CAPER

My friend refused to be seen in public while carrying a 24-pack of toilet
paper – she was too mortified. I need a pun to belittle her. ~ Phyllis D, Unionville, Ontario

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) “You’re just another em-bare-assed wiper!”

2) “You need to loo-sen up!”

3) “After all this time, you’d think not using a plastic bag to cover
your toilet paper would tissue a lesson!”

More esoteric:

4) “I bet you don’t subscribe to cable TV — you’re afraid of payper view!”

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SISTER SHOOTOUT (SIBLING RIFLERY?)

My sister keeps taking my stuff without asking permission first. I’ve put up
with it for a long time, but I need some puns to help keep her away from my
valuables. Please help! ~ Nadia, Saskatoon, Saskatchewan

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

“Does my room look like a chicken coop to you…?

No??

Then get your hens off my property!”

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PILATE PROJECT

There’s this local band – called Pilate – that makes me giddy. If I were to bump into them on the street, or backstage at their next concert, what should I say to impress them? ~ Natasha, Toronto

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1)”I read that Prince William listens to your music during his flying lessons… I guess he’s an heir playin’ Pilate!”

2) “I heard your album outside a pastry shop at 3 am – talk about pie late.”

3)”I searched through seven piles of my cds, but I can’t find yours. Should I check pile eight?”

FINALLY

4)”Wow, Pilate – you guys really knock me un-Pontius!”

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LAB-ORATORY

A woman keeps calling our genetics lab asking if we would like to study her cat – as he has Down’s Syndrome. What should I tell her? ~ Meira, Queen’s University, Kingston, Ontario

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

“Sorry, our lab doesn’t need a mentally handicapped cat – the mice we deal with are rat-arded enough!”

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STUPORVISOR

One of my work colleagues has an infinite number of somewhat lame stories that he inflicts on anyone who will listen: usually me. Please save me from lameness with a pun for the next time he corners me! ~ Agnes G, Toronto

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) “You must work in pre-production, because this is a storybored.”

2) “Does this story have a point, because I can use it to poke out my eyes!” (NOT a pun per se, but still funny)

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