Puns on Demand

Dear Pun Gents, I need a terrible (but clean) Valentine’s Day pun. ~Timothy, Arlington, VA

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1. Feb u marry me?
2. Ave atque Valetine.
3. You’re my Val Gal.
4. VD – I’m spreading my cheer.

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Dear Pun Gents, I need a catchy title for a science fair project comparing three types of cleaners used on cafeteria tables. I swabbed the table before and after and measured the bacteria that grew. There were lots of bacteria before the tables were cleaned and all cleaners (as well as water) did well cleaning the tables. ~Jeneen, Centreville, VA

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1. Son of a Bleach!
2. If this project didn’t work I would come bacteria-eyed
3. Let us Spray.

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Dear Pun Gents, something based on “Homerton Jazz play at the bar” for a gig. [Homerton is a college at Cambridge University] ~Sophie, Cambridge, UK

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1. Live Sax Show
2. Catch the Coltrane
3. Rhythm and Booze
4. Musical Bars (Not the sheet kind either)

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Dear Pun Gents, puns about inmates please. ~Sybilla, Austin, TX

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1. Inmates? Yes, prison is an inn where you might find a mate.
2. Inmates who dream of escape have tunnel vision.
3. Alcoholic inmates feel at home behind bars.
4. Was Sauron sentenced for first-degree Mordor?
5. Will the inmate get out early? Parolebably.

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Dear Pun Gents, am looking for a tagline for a male circumcision campaign to encourage uncircumcised males to do it, an HIV prevention initiative. ~Edwin, Nairobi, Kenya

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1. Circum size don’t matter.
2. Circumcise? HIV Five!
3. Cut yourself some slack. It’s no skin off your back.
4. Get laid, not AIDS.
5. To paraphrase Abe Lincoln, this is something that should have taken place foreskin and seven years ago.

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Dear Pun Gents, I need a team name for a work group of evaluators that look to cut waste in government spending. ~Michael, Spokane, WA

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1. The Efficiency Ax-perts
2. CutCo Knives
3. FBI: Federal Bureau of Invigoration
4. The Trim Jims
5. How Kan ye Waste?

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Dear Pungents, I’d like an alcohol-related pun on a famous English author or poet’s name. Thanks! ~Will, Oxford, UK

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1. English authors are substance abusers. If they’re not drinking they’re Tolkien. They get riled up like the Woolfman.
2. Who was the biggest alcoholic? A.A. Milne.
3. Was Pope an abstainer?
4. Harold Pinter liked beer.
5. Ruddyard Kipling was always red in the face.
6. Who was a generous drunk? Lord Buyround.

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Dear Pungents, our school is doing a “Santa goes green’ concert, and the penguins are protesting the use of nonrenewable forms of energy. Got any slogans that the penguins might put on their protest signs? Thanks! ~Jill, Clearwater, FLA

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT [a bit late for Xmas, sorry Jill!]

1. Fuelish Behaviour
2. Give Gas a Pass
3. Flip Oil the Bird
4. Oil is UnSanta-tary

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Dear Pungents, how about puns twisting famous authors’ names into idioms? What got me started was seeing a shirt that said “My way or the Hemingway.” What else can we do with author’s names and idioms/aphorisms/cliches? Maybe if Shakespeare met Descartes… “I think therefore iamb?” ~Mike, Warren, OH

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1. Blame It on the Twain
2. The Wrath of Seuss
3. If the shoe Fitzgerald, let him wear it.
4. Austen Yonkers

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Dear Pungents, I need a pun about an ultrasound that shows that my baby won’t be one of those pooping babies. ~Noetica, Oakland, CA

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1. This ultrasound is really grainy: you can’t see shit.
2. You won’t know if you’re baby is a pooper until the turd trimester.
3. If you’re too meticulous during your pregnancy, you’ll get a poopy baby. So don’t keep a baby log, or write a diarrhea.

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