cannibalism - Pun Gents :: Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Business Slogans :: Team Names :: Punshine Girls and Boys!

Pat’s 2005 Pun Off Punniest of Show Routine :: Cannibalism

The transcript of Pat’s bronze-medal winning performance (score: 38 out of a possible 40)

(Intro: points to podium, displaying sign saying ‘This is my Hannibal lectern‘)

Men and women of good taste, great to finally eat you! I wouldn’t lie, my mother braised me well, so that’s no can o’ bull. After years in the Pizza Corpse working as a human-eat-arian, I’m here finally to compete; I promise you I’m no flesh in the pan.

My girlfriend, a cute little fillet, name’s Cake Moss, spends all her time cooking in the microwaif, didn’t think I’d make it this far, but now she’s eating Russell Crowe. Sometimes I’m not so glad I ator – I mean, date her. Nothing’s worse than a jealous liver.

But I won’t Lecter you; I’m not one of those annoying people who never stops chewing you out. You’re all men of convection; I’m practically in oven with you; I am enjoying you people with relish.

Please come over to my place for a donner party. Don’t worry if you are lack-toes intolerant, I’ll strap the feet-bag right on you. You like fresh brain muffins? Exskullent! Then it’s toast slathered with marma-ladies, scrambled legs, all washed down with a full-bodied wino. And dessert: adam’s apple pie with eyes cream and my favourite, J-Lo pudding pops. Bring your kids over to play too – I’d consider it a veal good time.

Now I’m off on a tour of international menus: first it’s Iceland for Bjork chops – then Manila for some Phyllopinos, and also France to have a true hommelette breakfast! Last stop’s the Vatican, where I hope to have the pope’s ear. Hope he listens – someone’s got to keep that guy a-cannibal!

Thanks for letting me take you in gest; I’ll ketchup with you later.

(38 votes, average: 3.66 out of 5)

How does an anthropophage react to a blatant lie? “That’s a can o’ bull!”

The girl brought her boyfriend home. Her cannibal father welcomed the lad. He said, “It’s great to finally eat you!”

When his lockjaw was easing up, the man-eater said, “Finally, I can nibble!”

Why would a cannibal never decorate his home with diseased cadavers? Because it wouldn’t be very tasteful! (not a pun)

Why does a cannibal keep track of how many jerks she goes out with in a given year? Because she’s into cad average!

Why do cannibals scorn one-hit wonders? Because it’s just another flesh in the pan.

How do cannibals show hospitality? They invite their friends over for a donner party!

What do (non-francophone) cannibals eat for breakfast? Scrambled legs!

Why should a novice cannibal who’s unsure about a recipe always use ‘amputee’ ingredients? Because – they can’t do any ‘arm!

Why does a cannibal avoid possessive girlfriends? Because there is nothing worse than a jealous liver!

What did the cannibal say after eating some delicious brains? “That was exskullent!”

“Those cannibals were after my bones – but I marrowly escaped.”

The girl asked the cannibal where he got his education. When he replied, she slapped his face. She called him a pervert and stomped off. “No no,” he cried after her, “I said ‘ Cannibal U’!”

Why are cannibals the most annoying lecturers? Because they never stop chewing you out! (not a pun)

Cannibals love playing with children. They consider it a veal good time.

What’s a cannibal’s favourite TV show? Necks and the City!

Why did the cannibal look forward to his trip to Iceland? Because he couldn’t wait to try the Bjork chops!

What did the Vatican cannibal do in order to gain enormous influence? He had the Pope’s ear! (not a pun))

If a German cannibal cooked your friend Craig along with perogies during a thunderstorm, would you call it a lightning blintz-Craig?

What do cannibals spread on toast? Marmaladies!

What’s a cannibal’s favourite dessert? J-lo.

FINALLY, a story:

There was this girl who was head over heels for the owner of a cannibal restaurant. Sadly it was a one-sided passion; the girl’s love was not fully reciprocated. One day an eager young sous-chef overheard the owner in the next room, complaining about the girl’s excessive attention. So seeing a chance to make an impression, the next time the chef saw the smitten lass waiting about the restaurant, he grabbed her. He covered her in oil, put her in a pan and sauteed her alive!

The next day when the owner entered the kitchen and saw his lover lying dead in a pan, he was outraged. He went to the chef and told him to pack his bags – he was fired.

Dumbfounded, the chef protested, saying he was just obeying the boss’ wishes – that he had overheard the owner complaining about this girl, and wasn’t he pleased that the sous-chef had sauteed her?

But this explanation just upset the owner all the more:

“You misunderstood how I felt about the girl,” he snarled; “I said ‘she is too besotted’!”

(Rate This Pun)