Lord of the Rings Puns

Why was it hard to get to Sauron’s lair? Because no matter how many you opened there was always Mor dor.

Gollum’s favourite bird? A Smea-gull.

Who was expert at pork products, yet curious about sheep? Hamwise Lamb-gee!

An orchard full of tall trees? An ent farm.

Which horse made a lousy admin assistant? Shadow-fax.

Archie, Jughead and the gang all went to Rivendell High.

A gang of orcs went to an ancient Mesopotamian city to score some weed. When they came back they were Uruk-high.

If Aragorn was a Strider, did Arwen prefer to be astride him?

Who preferred a child’s toy? Legolust!

Who stole a couple smiles? Peregrin Took.

Who made use of second-hand Russian spacecraft? BorrowMir.

Why was Aragorn accepted as King of the White Rock? Because he knew how to speak Elvis.

Which flying beasts were truants? The Nah-school.

Which character did Tony Danza want to play? Eh-oh Mer.

Who was always looking for a subletter? Share-room-man.

Gandalf always got pissed drunk. They called him the White Whizzer.

Was the Dark Lord’s web site sauron.orc?

Who was lucky to make it onscreen? Gladriel.

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Magazine Puns

When Cosmo raised its newsstand price, did they call it Cost mo’?

In the Middle Ages men read A Squire magazine.

How do you test a gangsta’s intelligence? He reads G.Q.

Which mag is obsessed with the personal lives of celebrities? Peephole.

Hear about that hardcore pottery mag, Clayboy? I’d kiln to have one of their models!

Vanity Fare is too expensive.

A spicy read? Thyme.

The periodical dedicated to exploding volcanoes was known as Mad Magma Zine.

This mag chronicled executions? Nooseweek.
” ungulate medicine? Gnusweek.
” bad pornography? Nudesweak.

Which mag is about palpating your own urine? Feelin Stream.

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Ice Hockey Puns

Will the Red Wings be able to replace their venerable captain Steve? No, because
when it comes to hockey smarts there is no Yzer man.

Ed Belfour’s new contract offer isn’t high compared to other goal tenders.

If Messier retires he’s sure to be moosed.

Q: Would Gretzky have changed his name in order to play in Mexico?
A: Yes, The Great Juan did what it takes.

Which superstar has a nose for the puck? Mario the Magsniffascent.

The ref keeps shafting us the offsides; I think he’s blue lyin’.

The refs kept calling interference, even though goalmouth incidents were in
de-crease.

Even if injuries end it prematurely, Paul’s had a good Kariya.

Which Finn is like a hotdog on the ice? Teemu Salami.

Which Oiler great had a soft spot for Indian food? Jari Curry.

In later years was the Great One in decline? Yes he was on the Wayne.

The Montreal baseball team relocated to Tampa after being purchased by the
Exposito bros.

– Hide quoted text – At the recent Hall of Fame induction dinner, Paul had Coffey and Ray,
Pourque
.

Who’s got a penchant for spearing? Pronger!

A certain Leafs right-winger was sued by the Louisiana government. He was
Owen N’awlins.

Which LA King was the total package? Parcel Dionne.

If there’s a Tim Horton’s chain, should there be a Lanny McDonald’s? Or Doug
Harvey’s? And what about Ron’s Francise?

In Quebec they used to practise throwing the puck in the zone, and then
sitting back to wait for a turnover. But eventually the players were
criticized for this dump-and-chaise tactic.

When the defender was put in the box for spearing Jaromir Jagr, he
complained “but it was only a poke-Czech!”

Which right-winger dies his pubic hair? ‘Peter’ Blondra

Opposing coaches facing the Leafs in the 60s and 70s knew that Dave was the
one to Keon.

I could go on and on about Salming but I don’t want to Borje.
– Hide quoted text –
Those who prefer not to watch Coaches’ Corner could never be accused of
Cherry-picking.

Which Nordique great has recurring ligament problems? Peter Spaz-knee!

Which hulking left-winger could body-slam The Giant? Dave Andre-chuck.

Can linesmen enter the Hall of Fame? Yes, because they decide who’s HOFside.

Where did the Flopper work in the offseason? At Dominik’s Hat-Check.

Which local sportswriters are most effusive? Those who work in the praise
box
!

After the Moroccan scored a Hat-trick, the players gathered for the fez-off.

The coddled superstar sat in the seats with the fans instead of on the bench
with the team; for this, ironically enough, he was accused of grandstanding!

What type of films should players watch to improve their shot? Slap stick.

Where’s the weak spot on a Scottish goalie? The fief hole.

Where do Danish players aim with the puck? Top kroner.

What’s the sweetest moment in a hockey game? When they’re icing the puck.

If the wooden face mask was popularized by Jacques Plante, was the wooden
cup made popular by Jock Plank?

Which Habs great once worked as a janitor? Broom-Broom Geoffrion.

Which rangy centre could cover the whole ice? Jean Umbrelliveau.

Did Cyclops the X-man play hockey? Yes, he enjoyed lasing up the skates.

What did they give former Flyers left-winger Brian when he successfully
bulked up? Massive Propps.

Which legend lived in a shack? Was it Eddy? No, Ma-hovel-ich!

Soviet goaltenders got their hair cut at Vladislav’s Tress-shack.

Which HOF defenceman was nicknamed The Gravedigger? Denis Plotvin.

Where do players hide their marijuana?
Between the stash marks.
Would they get two minutes for tripping?
Not if they spliff the defence.
But would they be stoned by the goalie?
No, they’d smoke it right between the pipes!

Why do referees always hurry to catch their next flight? Because it’s “two
minutes ‘fore boarding
!”

What trophy does a stay-at-home defencemen win? The Snorris!

Which trophy has the most glitz? The Lady Bling.

Which front-office type is the most promiscuous? The general ménageur. 

What trophy do you get if you never score any points? The Art Rouse.

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Mathematicians, Scientists, Artists and Philosophers Puns

Why do mathematicians often get into fights about measuring angles in radians? Because they just can’t degree.

Do computer programmers only invest in stocks when it is a Boole market?

Those who choose careers as computer programmers were often the victim of schoolyard Boolean.

Which branch of math contains unspeakable truths? Calculisp.

Why do mathematicians have such wooden personalities? B/c they all wake up one day and say ‘geometry’. (gee, I’m a tree?)

One philosopher made fun of another philosopher’s automobile, and it led to a heated argument, and eventually, a swordfight! It was a tragic example of car-teasin’ duelity.

Which mathematican and philosopher leased wheelbarrows on a short-term basis? Rene Descartes. (rent a day cart?)

Which mathematician had a lice problem? Leibnits.

Which physicist was known for his humongous wood? Max Planck!

Which physicist was known for fellating pigs? Niels Bohr.

Which physicist was paid a salary of 30 bus tickets a month? Faraday.

There was a famous quantum physicist who could have prevented the sinking of the Titanic. They called him Warner Eyes-on-Berg.

Heisenberg didn’t know whether to sell his large stake in the caffeinated beverage consortium. He was nicknamed the Uncertain Tea Principal.

The wheelchair-bound cosmologist lost all his money. They’re calling him Steve In-Hawk-ing.

Charles Darwin wrote a book calling for a ban on sunblock. It’s known as the Theory of Evil Lotion.

In a previous career as an artist, the chemist Mendeleev was renowned for painting outlandish still-lifes of fruit. He invented the concept of peary-audacity.

Which linguist is famous for his big mouth? Chompsky.

Which Portuguese explorer was guided to India by his radioactive blood? Vasculo da Gamma.

The witch-hunt will show up at your door and never leave. They call it the Spanish Imposition.
OR
The man went to Barcelona, got drunk one night and got a tattoo. For the next few days he suffered, because the Spanish ink was itchin’.

William the Conqueror forbade straw to be used in combat, after the legendary Battle of Hay Stings.

Who was a warhorse theologian? St. Thomas Equinas.

Which philosopher was most disagreeable? Kant.

Despite his training the philosopher failed to win the marathon. By the time he reached the finish he was running on Humes.

His every breath was electrifying, that Frenchman, Volt-air.

The Communist Party insisted that all Soviets’ clothes were made from the finest Lenin.

Why did the Soviet dictator stay so long in power? B/c he was using Stalin tactics!

Selling radical German philosophy texts is a bit of Nietzsche market.

Was the existentialist French author popular as a university student? Yes, he was known as the BMOC – Big Man on Camus.

They’re filming a science fiction series based on Frenchman Jean-Paul’s writings. They’re calling it ‘Sartrek’.

Which ancient Greek philosopher satisfies your every need? Euremenides. (your amenities)

The great Roman poet would repeat “carpe diem” until his voice grew Horace.

Why should they have renamed ‘The Thinker’ and called it ‘The Rider’? Because, he Rodin!

Which one-eared artist fixed cars? Vincent Van Go.

When Pee Wee Herman showed his wang in a movie theatre, he thought it was just like performance art. In fact he wanted everyone to call him ‘Peter’ Paul Reubens.

Why did the French painter get religious inspiration from the dried grape? B/c Jesus is the raisin for the Cezanne!

Which artist drank a lot of beer? Marc Chug-ale.

Which ab-expressionist threw a lot of dinner parties? Jackson Potluck.

Which Renaissance painter actually predicted the modern mobile phone craze? Botticelli (bought a celly?)

Porn movies as high art? Three words: Penis de Mile-o.!

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Halloween Puns

The ghost was lonely because he didn’t have a ghoulfriend.

Who do they call when a demon needs a personal trainer? The exercist!

Hall o’ wiener: when I decorated my foyer with sausage.

Pumpkin juice + Chardonnay = Hallow’ine?

Impossible to track down: the Wherewolf.

The vampire was known for his awful puns. They called him Count Dreckula.

The giant sea-lizard was a bit of a practical joker. They called him Goadzilla.

If basketball superstar O’Neal dressed up as a pumpkin for Hallowe’en, would he call himself Shaq O’Lantern?

Some prefer getting candy on Hallowe’en, but two days later I like to go out and collect shoes. I call it All Soles Day.

We all know about the rash of unexplained deaths in the village of Sleepy Hollow . But, as an unfortunate sidebar, to deal with all the corpses was a most incompetent funeral director, nicknamed the Heedless Hearseman.

Hansel and Gretel must have misread the invitation – they thought they’d been asked to join the witches coven!

Do posh demons go cruising in a coupe devil?

The wandering minstrel was excited about trick-or-treating. He said, “I hear there’s gonna be lute!”

My house is haunted by the ghosts of a thousand chickens. It’s just like that movie, Poultrygeist.

The Irishman was visited by a ghost while making moonshine. “I can’t sleep at night,” the man said, “it haunts me still. ” (Irish accent needed)

Was the TV newsman haunted by his exact double? Yes, it was a Koppelganger.

Skeletonnes are heavier than they look.

A skeleton’s favourite Billy Idol song? ‘Bony Bony…’.

Mary Shelley wrote about her good friend Benjamin Franklin’s obsession with German beer. She called it ‘Frank and stein‘.

Where do zombies ‘get down’? In the raveyard. (A good place to get tombstoned?)

You hear about the play they staged in a cemetery? It got grave reviews.

Never ask a warlock where he works: it tends to be a ‘sorce’ spot.

In Canada the werewolves are obsessed with ‘hockey hairdos’. In fact they can only be killed with a silver mullet.

When demons go to university, they get to take a lot of hellectives.

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Medicine Puns

Which doctors are the best interior decorators? Room-atologists!

When do some doctors talk about the weather? Whenever they meet a urologist.

Gastroenterologists always lose at scrabble because they get stuck with all the bowels.

The cancer specialist never gets to sleep, because he’s an on-col-ogist.

Surprised at the number of doctors who were murdered in 2004? Not at all, we’ve been expecting the surgeon homicides!

Is Valium still effective at high altitudes?

Which comedian will donate his bones to science? Red Skelton.

Hospitals approve of which musical sandwiches? Organ donairs.

Which doctors don’t drive Beemers? The Audi-ologists!

Anal fissures? Let’s hope the ER has a crack team!

Why did the Spanish Inquisition punish unbelievers by forcing them to drink coffee? Because caffeine is a die-heretic!

Did you hear about the red-nosed doctor who prescribed beer for every alement?

Did you hear that Coca-cola has finally hired a staff fizzician?

The war hero went to an animal hospital; he insisted on seeing a veteranarian.

Which drug has puzzling side effects? Ritalin

Why does the ophthalmologist prescribe selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors? Because it’s his job to assess our eyes! (SSRIs)

The patient was dogged by shitzuphrenia.

Which nerve is responsible for massive erections? The crane-ial.

Who never interrupts? An in-turn!

Who specializes in men’s necks? The guy-neck-ologist!

Ed: “Did you know the author of ‘The Raven’ died from an avoidable case of malnutrition?”
Ned: “Tragic. Would he have been saved by a nutritionist, perhaps?”
Ed: “No, although a foot doctor could have helped.”
Ned: “Really?
Ed: “Yes, Edgar Allen needed a Poe Dietrist!”

The doctor had to paint Easter eggs before making his dye-egg-nosis.

The raggedy sponge toy had a simple case of frayed nerfs.

Which STD is terminal? Goner-rhea!

The stunt pilot could no longer perform aerial tricks after being diagnosed with loopus.

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Food and Drink Puns

Remember: puns about food should be taken in gest.

Why did the chef jump off a cliff? He thought he could fry.

Do waiters who serve veggie soup like tips? Yes, they accept gratatouille-ties .

Bridget Jones’ Dairy was a cheesy movie.

Which fish could stand a shave? Hairing!

What vegetables are served in a vivarium? Zoochini!

The butcher’s dilemma: “I ran out of meat, with no time to go chopping!”

What fruit placed a restraining order on tennis icon Kournikova? The ban-Anna!

What fruit feels like a boulder when you pick it up? The palm-o-granite!

After some particularly painful stretches, the hippy ate some yoga-hurt.

What drinks do you serve with alligator meat? Croc-tails!

What pasta fixing did the chef buy after listening to a broadcast from planet Melmac? Alf-radio sauce!

Which vegetable speeds digestion? A celery!

After eating the hommelettes, why did the francophone cannibal dip phalanges in batter and cook them? Because he wanted French toes!

Which soft drink kicks up a violent fizz? Spriot!

The prospective chef was turned down for a cooking job – because he didn’t have the right skillet set. So he ended up smoking potpanhandling in an alley, and chasing after spoon-tang.

Who do dyslexic chefs brag about their coral? Because they love to boast reef!

How do chefs dye their hair? They put it in the blonder!

When do chefs put their ingredients on a weasel-like rodent? When they’re making stoat-top stuffing!

Ever eaten flying mouse? It’s not a bat meal.

The chef was fired for continually showing up to work half-sauced.

If James Doohan worked at Starbucks, would people say ‘Cream me up, Biscotti‘?

The pastry chef fell into the dessert he was preparing – and ended up in big truffle.

What do you call a 2,000-pound pile of leftover Ceasar Salad bread? Accrue-ton!

Do fruit farmers visit coastal areas on vacation? Yes – they like to relax on the peach!

Which one-eared artist did still-lifes of fruit? Vincent Man-Go!

Who are the fruitiest people on earth? The Mangolians!

The most parasitic fruit? Leechee.

Want to stop being a screwball? Drink de-gaffe-inated coffee!

Chinese food? Let me tell you: it is a delight to eat bok-joy.

Which candies make you bouncy? Caromels!

When will people line up to roast their childhood dolls? When it’s a Barbie-queue!

Why did Jesus eat the tender beef cut on the third day? Because he roast from the dead!

Little known torture fact: prisoners of the Spanish Inquisition were compelled to defecate, after ingesting must-turd.

When the Asian prostitute went to a cannibalist priest for confession, did he cover her with Ho Sin sauce?

A reminder to placate any fresh sprig that you see – it’s our policy of appease-mint.

Where in grocery stores is there sympathy for the devil? The pro-deuce section!

Be careful wearing nice clothes in the rough districts of Lebanon – you might get shawarmed by teens then you’d feelafel. If you took a few body blows, the doctor would have to examine your stomach with a gyro-scope.

In the Japan division of Nike, do they eat a lot of swooshi?

What do cowboys put on their pancakes? Maple stirrup!

The two tastiest properties in Monopoly: Pork Place and Board-Wok!

Was Legolas a vegetarian? Yes, he ate elfelfa sprouts.

In Ireland do they eat peatza?

When it comes to dairy products, the Sultan of Brunei likes to drink milk-sheiks.

A tortured demon’s favourite food? Ghoul-lash!

What bread is served at track competitions? Meet-loaf!

Which fruit is most disgusting? Blechberries.

If you want to get an Italian girl, then eat lass-on-ya!

Do animal rights activists prefer PETA bread?

Was rapper Biggie Smalls fat? Yes, he was larder than life.

Are pastry chefs ever on time? No, they’re always tarty!

What Gandhi said in the peasants’ paddy: “ Citizens, rice up!”

Do Catholics give up chick peas for Lentil?

When Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie shot an episode at the General Mills plant, did they call it the Cereal Life?

What the police said to the bootlegger: “You can rum , but you can’t hide!”

What product do you put on a wound when you’re sure to recover? I’ll-live oil!

FINALLY: They were serving meat plates at a White House reception for the UN. Dubya pointed at a dish he wanted and mumbled something half-intelligible. All the foreign emissaries recoiled in terror – and quickly asked him to repeat himself. The President looked up and smiled. “Rest easy, boys – I said I’ve got my finger on the MUTTON.”

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Military Puns

Ditch-diggers often make trenchant remarks.

The stupidest branch of the military? The Knavy.

Which soldiers are good at killing knights? The off-a-sirs!

Did you hear Bush ordered the cast of Cats to go to Iraq? Yes, he sent in the troupes!

The favoured weapon of Egyptian army is the Ptolemy gun (tommy gun).

The Grim Reaper would often seek out French Navy Seals, in the Phoque-Souls (foxholes).

Why should you never trust the military police? Because they’re full of MP promises!

Are they afraid of dead mice in the Murine Corpse?

Don’t be offended if a cavalry officer doesn’t say tanks.

Which pilots feel guilty whenever they get erections? Those who fly fie-turgids (fighter jets).

Can you believe General Schwarzkopf has found religion? Who, Stormin’ Mormon?

The Army will arrest you if you make fun of an officer after dark. It’s known as a nocturnal diss-charge.

When I accidentally shot myself in the crotch with a bazooka I felt quite mortarfied.

If you want to learn about Iraqi war tactics it will require some advanced university scuddies.

Are those who get attacked by flamethrowing midgets suffering small arms fire? (POW)

Do they only allow sleazy females in the cadettes?

It’s an army of bloodsuckers, aka the Leechin’ of Doom!

Are soldiers on cowback known as a calf-alry?

I had some pretty crazy Scottish relatives in the army. You know – ‘Uncle Sam wants ewe’.

The helicopter crashed after receiving many bullet holes and would need repairs. It was Apache.

Some soldiers get so depressed that the only way to make them smile is to toss them a grin-aid.

I have a lot of questions about operating this howitzer.

How does a soldier catch a wolf? He uses his bayin’ net.

The iron-welder joined the military, because he felt it was his duty to solder in the army.

No one could strike fear into the hearts of the enemy quite like the Zulu Worriers.

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Fish Puns

To catch fish, you need a bass kit.

Fisherman porn? Deep Trout.

Do famous fish get endorsalment deals?

To get a fish’s opinion, simply take a pole.

Goodlooking fishermen have a lure. Be careful though, they’re not reel – and they might start line to you. They’ll either be worms, or try to hook you in. Their heinous flies with never a bait!

Fishing in a river involves patience. There’s a lot of wading.

Catching fish behind a boat can be trawl order.

Did the ancient Minnowins collect small fish?

The Lady of the Hake held Excaviar from the water.

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Finance and Currency Puns

Working in Mexico doesn’t peso good.

Do Middle Eastern currency traders ask their friends over for dinar?

Just thinking about South African currency makes me randy.

Do Russian bankers love cows? No, they rue bulls.

The tale of the buried Israeli treasure? ‘Dr. Shekel and Mr. Hide’!

They closed down the pay showers after they ran into fee-douche-iary troubles.

Is it true that a barber is in charge of the U.S. Tressery Board?

Puns about Danish currency tend to be real kroners.

My sister was trapped under a pile of old Dutch coins. In fact it was so heavy it almost guilder.

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