Remember: puns about food should be taken in gest.
Why did the chef jump off a cliff? He thought he could fry.
Do waiters who serve veggie soup like tips? Yes, they accept gratatouille-ties .
Bridget Jones’ Dairy was a cheesy movie.
Which fish could stand a shave? Hairing!
What vegetables are served in a vivarium? Zoochini!
The butcher’s dilemma: “I ran out of meat, with no time to go chopping!”
What fruit placed a restraining order on tennis icon Kournikova? The ban-Anna!
What fruit feels like a boulder when you pick it up? The palm-o-granite!
After some particularly painful stretches, the hippy ate some yoga-hurt.
What drinks do you serve with alligator meat? Croc-tails!
What pasta fixing did the chef buy after listening to a broadcast from planet Melmac? Alf-radio sauce!
Which vegetable speeds digestion? A celery!
After eating the hommelettes, why did the francophone cannibal dip phalanges in batter and cook them? Because he wanted French toes!
Which soft drink kicks up a violent fizz? Spriot!
The prospective chef was turned down for a cooking job – because he didn’t have the right skillet set. So he ended up smoking pot, panhandling in an alley, and chasing after spoon-tang.
Who do dyslexic chefs brag about their coral? Because they love to boast reef!
How do chefs dye their hair? They put it in the blonder!
When do chefs put their ingredients on a weasel-like rodent? When they’re making stoat-top stuffing!
Ever eaten flying mouse? It’s not a bat meal.
The chef was fired for continually showing up to work half-sauced.
If James Doohan worked at Starbucks, would people say ‘Cream me up, Biscotti‘?
The pastry chef fell into the dessert he was preparing – and ended up in big truffle.
What do you call a 2,000-pound pile of leftover Ceasar Salad bread? Accrue-ton!
Do fruit farmers visit coastal areas on vacation? Yes – they like to relax on the peach!
Which one-eared artist did still-lifes of fruit? Vincent Man-Go!
Who are the fruitiest people on earth? The Mangolians!
The most parasitic fruit? Leechee.
Want to stop being a screwball? Drink de-gaffe-inated coffee!
Chinese food? Let me tell you: it is a delight to eat bok-joy.
Which candies make you bouncy? Caromels!
When will people line up to roast their childhood dolls? When it’s a Barbie-queue!
Why did Jesus eat the tender beef cut on the third day? Because he roast from the dead!
Little known torture fact: prisoners of the Spanish Inquisition were compelled to defecate, after ingesting must-turd.
When the Asian prostitute went to a cannibalist priest for confession, did he cover her with Ho Sin sauce?
A reminder to placate any fresh sprig that you see – it’s our policy of appease-mint.
Where in grocery stores is there sympathy for the devil? The pro-deuce section!
Be careful wearing nice clothes in the rough districts of Lebanon – you might get shawarmed by teens ; then you’d feelafel. If you took a few body blows, the doctor would have to examine your stomach with a gyro-scope.
In the Japan division of Nike, do they eat a lot of swooshi?
What do cowboys put on their pancakes? Maple stirrup!
The two tastiest properties in Monopoly: Pork Place and Board-Wok!
Was Legolas a vegetarian? Yes, he ate elfelfa sprouts.
In Ireland do they eat peatza?
When it comes to dairy products, the Sultan of Brunei likes to drink milk-sheiks.
A tortured demon’s favourite food? Ghoul-lash!
What bread is served at track competitions? Meet-loaf!
Which fruit is most disgusting? Blechberries.
If you want to get an Italian girl, then eat lass-on-ya!
Do animal rights activists prefer PETA bread?
Was rapper Biggie Smalls fat? Yes, he was larder than life.
Are pastry chefs ever on time? No, they’re always tarty!
What Gandhi said in the peasants’ paddy: “ Citizens, rice up!”
Do Catholics give up chick peas for Lentil?
When Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie shot an episode at the General Mills plant, did they call it the Cereal Life?
What the police said to the bootlegger: “You can rum , but you can’t hide!”
What product do you put on a wound when you’re sure to recover? I’ll-live oil!
FINALLY: They were serving meat plates at a White House reception for the UN. Dubya pointed at a dish he wanted and mumbled something half-intelligible. All the foreign emissaries recoiled in terror – and quickly asked him to repeat himself. The President looked up and smiled. “Rest easy, boys – I said I’ve got my finger on the MUTTON.”