Dear Pun Gents, I am giving a talk at a university scholarship luncheon. There will be two speakers before me, one named Katia, and the other named Katherine. I am trying to come up with some sort of funny comment at the beginning of my presentation that includes a pun about the abundance of Kathrine/Katia/Katherine, or possibly the fact that there will be 3 speakers at this event whose names start with “Kat” (something like “It’s a veritable Kat-valanche” but better). I’ve fallen flat. Could you help me out? ~Kathrine, Salt Lake City, UT
  1. This many K’s in a row usually gets you arrested. Except in South Carolina!
  2. It’s a Katastrophe!
  3. If you had let us all speak at once we might have got Katty.
  4. I hope by the time I’m finished you won’t be Katatonic.
  5. If your name doesn’t start with K you’re just not Kat out for this luncheon.
  6. I saw a Kat burglar outside- he was K-sing the joint!
  7. I wasn’t expecting so much Kat-calling today.
  8. This lunch just shows that Kats like to have funds!
  9. Are they serving Kat food at this luncheon? Because I’m feline hungry.
  10. After those last two speakers, I’m speechless. Kat got your tongue?
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Dear Pun Gents, I’m doing a web guide for students attending a university open day, and need a pun. Help. ~Wallace, Sunderland


  1. Welcome, academian nuts
  2. It’s not tour early to sign up
  3. We got Guides and Dolls.
  4. A day of dancing and parentsing
  5. Check our smoking hot class
  6. You can’t spell education without ‘ducat’ – get your tickets here.
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Mathematicians, Scientists, Artists and Philosophers Puns

Why do mathematicians often get into fights about measuring angles in radians? Because they just can’t degree.

Do computer programmers only invest in stocks when it is a Boole market?

Those who choose careers as computer programmers were often the victim of schoolyard Boolean.

Which branch of math contains unspeakable truths? Calculisp.

Why do mathematicians have such wooden personalities? B/c they all wake up one day and say ‘geometry’. (gee, I’m a tree?)

One philosopher made fun of another philosopher’s automobile, and it led to a heated argument, and eventually, a swordfight! It was a tragic example of car-teasin’ duelity.

Which mathematican and philosopher leased wheelbarrows on a short-term basis? Rene Descartes. (rent a day cart?)

Which mathematician had a lice problem? Leibnits.

Which physicist was known for his humongous wood? Max Planck!

Which physicist was known for fellating pigs? Niels Bohr.

Which physicist was paid a salary of 30 bus tickets a month? Faraday.

There was a famous quantum physicist who could have prevented the sinking of the Titanic. They called him Warner Eyes-on-Berg.

Heisenberg didn’t know whether to sell his large stake in the caffeinated beverage consortium. He was nicknamed the Uncertain Tea Principal.

The wheelchair-bound cosmologist lost all his money. They’re calling him Steve In-Hawk-ing.

Charles Darwin wrote a book calling for a ban on sunblock. It’s known as the Theory of Evil Lotion.

In a previous career as an artist, the chemist Mendeleev was renowned for painting outlandish still-lifes of fruit. He invented the concept of peary-audacity.

Which linguist is famous for his big mouth? Chompsky.

Which Portuguese explorer was guided to India by his radioactive blood? Vasculo da Gamma.

The witch-hunt will show up at your door and never leave. They call it the Spanish Imposition.
The man went to Barcelona, got drunk one night and got a tattoo. For the next few days he suffered, because the Spanish ink was itchin’.

William the Conqueror forbade straw to be used in combat, after the legendary Battle of Hay Stings.

Who was a warhorse theologian? St. Thomas Equinas.

Which philosopher was most disagreeable? Kant.

Despite his training the philosopher failed to win the marathon. By the time he reached the finish he was running on Humes.

His every breath was electrifying, that Frenchman, Volt-air.

The Communist Party insisted that all Soviets’ clothes were made from the finest Lenin.

Why did the Soviet dictator stay so long in power? B/c he was using Stalin tactics!

Selling radical German philosophy texts is a bit of Nietzsche market.

Was the existentialist French author popular as a university student? Yes, he was known as the BMOC – Big Man on Camus.

They’re filming a science fiction series based on Frenchman Jean-Paul’s writings. They’re calling it ‘Sartrek’.

Which ancient Greek philosopher satisfies your every need? Euremenides. (your amenities)

The great Roman poet would repeat “carpe diem” until his voice grew Horace.

Why should they have renamed ‘The Thinker’ and called it ‘The Rider’? Because, he Rodin!

Which one-eared artist fixed cars? Vincent Van Go.

When Pee Wee Herman showed his wang in a movie theatre, he thought it was just like performance art. In fact he wanted everyone to call him ‘Peter’ Paul Reubens.

Why did the French painter get religious inspiration from the dried grape? B/c Jesus is the raisin for the Cezanne!

Which artist drank a lot of beer? Marc Chug-ale.

Which ab-expressionist threw a lot of dinner parties? Jackson Potluck.

Which Renaissance painter actually predicted the modern mobile phone craze? Botticelli (bought a celly?)

Porn movies as high art? Three words: Penis de Mile-o.!

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Education Puns

If you’re crafty, then you don’t have to get a Ph.D. You can get a masters degree and then just doctor it.

“Man that coarse was rough!”

If you write an exam in a freezing cold room then you might end up as a testicle.

When did you flunk out of Cannibal U? It was in my fleshman year.

Why does a lexicographer’s pants have holes in the crotch and the lower leg? Because they’re dick-shin-airy.

How do you greet a Grade 8 student? With a junior ‘hi’.

It was just a pile of shit, my mass-turd’s degree.

I’ll miss going to medical school… without it my life will be MD.

My friend James loves going to Jim class.

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