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Tree Puns

01/08/201801/08/2005

Tree puns are very poplar.

Hear about the superhero, ‘Wood-Man’? He had an alder ego – known as Spruce Wayne.

Which tree reproduces lustily? Cedar.

Does the captain of a wooden canoe take the elm?

Fir trees are always warm.

NED: My Asian friend and his midget sidekick also love trees…
ED: Who’s that – Wee Ping and Will Lo?

What did the vegetarian order at McDonald’s? SuMac.

Don’t climb a redwood – that counts as high treesin’.

Do embarrassed trees turn a shade of oakre?

“Tree bien! Unbeleafable!”

The jury in the deforestation case was sequoiastered.

The man who threw a Cabbage Patch toy at the spruce was accused of idolatry.

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Bible Puns

01/08/201801/08/2005

Which Holy Book has been corrupted? The Brible.

Which Old Testament patriarch stuffed a pig under his shirt? A bra ham.

Which prophet refused to kick people in the nuts? Nehemiah.

One book of the Bible deals with ‘brown showers’. They call it Doo-doo on me (Deuteronomy).

Another is about frequenting strip clubs: Love a titty-kiss (Leviticus).

Jesus never cooked with oil. Instead, He wokked on water.

What did David say before slaying the beast? ‘Go lieth down!’

Which king was known for seriousness? Solemn-man.

If Jesus were from Newfoundland, what would He have said on the cross? ‘My cod, my cod – why have you forsaken me?’

You shouldn’t take advantage of Jesus. That would be propheteering.

Was Jesus Persian? Yes, he spoke Phar’see!

Who took His body and prepared it with spices? Joseph of Aromatherapy.

Jesus made cheese from the Milk of an Ungulate. Then, He proclaimed the Gouda Gnus!

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Tupac Shakur Puns

01/08/201801/08/2005

Which deceased rapper had a thing for pop divas? Tupac Shakira.

Which deceased rapper once owned a beef ranch? Moo-pack Shakur.

Which deceased rapper couldn’t quite get the buff abs he wanted? ‘Two-pack’ Shakur.

Which deceased rapper designed Shaquille O’Neal’s website? Tupac Shaq-URL.

Which deceased rapper healed the great Iranian leader? Tupac Shah-cure.

Which deceased rapper beat his drug problem? Tupac Shook her.

Which deceased rapper battled Parkinson’s? Tupac Shaker.

Which deceased rapper enjoyed Japanese poetry? Tupac Shaiku-r.

Which deceased rapper was an avant-garde, self-mutilating male prostitute? Tupac Shock-whore.

Which deceased rapper was staunchly opposed to US unilateralism? Group-Act Shakur.

Which deceased rapper would put a pair of Sweet-N-Low’s in every cup of coffee? Two-pack o’ Sugar.

Which deceased rapper enjoyed doodling outlines of sheep? Tupac Chalk-ewer.

Which deceased rapper had a mid-sized economy sedan? Topaz Shakur.

FINALLY-

Why does the deceased rapper’s music always make one less nervous about preparing luggage for a trip? Because – there’s always time Tupac!

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Automotive Puns

01/08/201801/08/2005

Driving drunk, I smashed up my Chrysler. The judge found me guilty in a Cordoba law.

My fancy new car comes with a shower. It has an all-lather interior.

A gino keeps a close eye on his Speedometer.

Do punsters ride on a fool tank of gas?

Which car parts are most abused? Pist-ons.

Politician Ralph got sick of changing his alter-Nader.

The owner’s manual editor could no longer write about car parts. He had engine block. (play on words)

Why did the pimp stop at the service station? Because – his hos had just blown.

The art vandal’s car was topped up with anti-frieze.

Omigod – it’s raining frogs! You better have good windshield vipers.

A car salesman’s favourite piece of furniture: automan.

Isn’t an airbag really an error bag?

What keeps a mechanic from a bad hair day? Car parts. (pow)

Little known fact: the Incredible Hulk drives a pick up truck.

Axel Roads does a lot of touring.

Three words: “Self-cervix station“??

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War on Terror Puns

01/08/201801/08/2005

Got a problem with superstition? Declare a War on Tarot.

Problem with bitterly ironic travel writing? Declare a War on Theroux.

Afraid of rabbit dens? Warren Terror.

Cows? War on Hereford.

Dogs? War on Terrier.

Ripped clothing? War on Tearer.

Your aging transvestite relatives? Worn Aunt Harold (East Coast pronunciation).

Canada’s dominant province? War On Tario.

Lactose? War on Dairiers.

Pilates? War on Therabands.

Terrible lizards? War on Tyrannosaurs ( War on Pterodactyls?).

Never-ending terror alerts? Wore on Terror.

Resent the soldiers getting their limbs blown off in Iraq? I guess you’re a War-Amp Harrier (bit of a stretch?).

Finally: after everyone knew Osama was bad guy no. 1, why did Bush spend a year trying to capture and arrest the Wrong Guy, ie Saddam Hussein?
Because – it was the Warrant Error!

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Alpaca and Llama Puns

01/08/201801/08/2005

When they depicted Mohammad’s alpaca in a Danish newspaper cartoon, it was an insult to ‘is llama.

They crossed a camel, an alpaca and cow – and got what? A llamadairy.

“Don’t bother loading up the llama – Alpaca light!”

Mr. Kurtz went mad in the jungle and starting kissing dozens of llamas. They made a movie of it, called Alpaca Lips Now.

Do llamas love hockey? Yes, they’re all-pucka!

A llama’s favourite video game? AlPaca-man.

The bestiality fugitive spent years on the llama.

Alpacas invented llama-nation.

Does an alpaca’s doorbell go ‘llama-llama-ding-dong’?

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Weather Puns

01/08/201801/08/2005

They said the North Atlantic Treaty Organization could withstand any disaster, but it was done in by a Torn-NATO.

I thought it would be a breeze to master the Beaufort scale, but it turned out to be a no-wind situation. After all, I don’t speak Gale-ic!

Those meteorologists on storm watches, they live in the most squall-id conditions!

I forgot to put on my defrost, and the visibility was so bad I almost crashed. I really fogged that one up!

How about those clouds – they really accumulo-ate!

Why could Frosty the Snowman see everything? He had ice in the back of his head!

I love drinking the rain – it’s precipitasty!

Why do they measure the Israeli PM’s tallness with a thermometer? B/c it’s the Sharon-height scale!

His marks were so low on the scale, that whenever his parents were sent a grade he was given the third degree.

When the glacier was asked his opinions on Global Warming, he replied “I dunno, I’ve never really thawed about it.”

Even intermitten precipitation can soak through your clothes.

What’s the meteorological indicator of heat effects? Humidex.

What’s the philosophical indicator of scepticism? Humedex.

What’s the indicator of sunshine? Illumidex.

The indicator for vomit? Spumedex.

The dress-code indicator? Groomidex.

Stage of pregnancy? Wombidex.

Degree of cleanliness? Broomidex.

Strength of odour? Perfumidex.

Severity of depression? Doomadex.

Likelihood of unearthing a corpse? Exhumedex.

Degree of Westernization? Consumidex.

Probability of jumping to conclusions? Assumidex.

Level of wrestling proficiency? Sumodex.

Terrorism alert? Boomadex.

Degree of repressed anger? Fumedex.

Percentage of cotton? Loomadex.

Pessimism? Gloomidex.

Speed? Vroomidex.

Hotel vacancy rate? Roomidex.

Level of smokiness? Plumedex.

Likelihood of mountain lions? Pumadex.

Likelihood of strippers? Bazoomidex.

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Winter Puns

01/08/201801/08/2005

Puns about winter are snow joke.

What do you call a gangsta snowman? Froze-T.

What do bad Eskimos get in their stockings for Xmas? A lump of cold.

They top the charts every January – the Black-Ice Peas.

What do a spelling bee and a winter storm have in common? They both have I-spell-its!

NED: Do you take your bike year-round?
ED: No, but in winter I ride my icicle!

You’re not allowed to have ‘big hair’ in winter – you’ll get ‘fro sin.

Who played guitar for Guns ‘N’ Frozes? Slush.
W hat happened to their lead singer’s van in winter? Axel Froze.
And there was one other near miss, where the rhythm guitarist was driving the van in a snowstorm and he couldn’t see the lane markers. They called him Blizzy Stradlin’.

Do top scientists in the North get the Snowbelt Prize?

Those in the Snowbelt live in squallor.

Do Arctic sommeliers worry about the wine-chill factor?

Those who play poker in a snowstorm must carefully shovel their decks.

Do soldiers up North wear flake jackets for protection?

The stressed out snowman was acting flaky. That was, until he had a meltdown. And finally he was indicted for having a slush fund.

Hear about the Roman general who, every time there was an ice storm, he had an epileptic fit? It was ‘Hail… Seizure!’

NED: Is it likely that fist-sized ice pellets will clog our vacuum?
ED: Yeah, right – maybe when hail freezes hoover.

It’s cold out, so I like to go out for some really big sandwiches… It must be the subs-hero temperatures.

You can tell when winter hits hard: look at all the black eyes on the roadway.

Do Eskimos listen to MushMusic?

There’s a chance I’ll get a sapling anywhere from December to March. It’s the win-tree weather.

Hear about the gay polar bear who was depressed living up North, and so he left the Arctic, went all the way to the Antarctic, and actually found a girlfriend there? But he was still not content, since he was now a bi polar bear.

Instead of waiting in lineups outside in the cold, I’d rather be on icy-queue (ICQ).

As the winter snow turned into rain, Frosty began to realize that fame was sleeting.

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Ah-nold! puns

01/08/201801/08/2005

When asked who he’d like to play in the upcoming summer blockbuster about classical music, Arnold Schwarzenegger replied – “I’ll be Bach!”

When working as an usher in a theatre, he was approached by a patron bearing ticket B-75. Arnold pointed and said – “Aisle B… back!”

When his Islamic shawarma-meat got overcooked, he complained to the falafel-man – “Halal be black!”

When eating lobster and his bib got pierced by a wayward auger, Arnold was quite annoyed. He said – “Awl… bib – ack!”

When asked whether he feared Nazism would make a comeback, he gave an anxious look and said – “Heil be back!”

When asked by the grocer what kind of cheese he wanted and in what form, he replied – “All brie; block!”

When asked whether there would be another pink-eye epidemic, he replied – “Eye’ll be back!”

When asked what his favourite Asian stew was, he said – “Old bean bok-choi!” [ok that’s quite enough]

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