Cemetery and Death Puns

Hear about those new ‘big box’ cemeteries? It’s one-stop coffin!

Should you age your wine in a wooden coffin? Yes, it’s better to casket.

Overweight people tend to have a problem with cemeteries: ie they suffer from coffin fits.

An unpleasant person who works at a graveyard is a malignant tomber.

It’s dangerous driving in the Sudan. Every outing on the road could be your funeral. Especially if you get trapped in Khartoum.

A terrorist’s favourite facet of death? “I’m-bombing!” (say it fast).

When singer Anka dies, it will take up to six men to remove his clothes for embalming. They will be known as Paul barers.

After a cemetery mixup that left their son with an ordinary bare plot, the wealthy family were very upset; in fact they were stark grave-ing mad.

Do Jews get placed in a matzohleum?

If you are lactose intolerant then you shouldn’t choose creamation.

When all your brain cells have stopped firing, it’s time for a few-neural.

When the joke writer was near death after a long and dedicated career, all his past typos were forgiven by an editor in a sacred ritual called the anointing of the [sic].

Conversely the writer who used too many words was sentenced to death. (POW)

There was a notoriously weird criminal who stole shoes from triplets. Don’t worry, he ended up six-feet plunder.

Gravediggers are overweight due to their cemetery lifestyle.

Do gravediggers get their coffee among the burial grounds? (POW)

Which embalming fluid works best? Each mortician should formalin his own opinion.

What should you do with a punster who’s dying onstage, and suffering miserably? Take him off laugh support. 

The Christians who navigated the underbelly of ancient Rome were a lot like modern hippies. They became extremely dishevelled and unkempt down among the sarcophagi and bones of the first saints. It was, like, ‘give that cat a comb!

The two famous gangs met at the cemetery. These notorious groups battled until there was blood on the crypts (Bloods & Krips).

They held a funeral for the Scotsman’s lover. Most touching was the ewelogy.

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