Puns on Demand

Dear Pungents, my computer consulting firm needs a name for our slo-pitch team. We support all kinds of systems, from mainframe to web-based applications. What can you come up with that combines slo-pitch with computers? Please don’t use my real name. ~‘Ruprecht’, Edmonton, Alberta

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) The 26-inning RAMathoners (Marathoners)
2) Bats n’ Bytes
3) The HTMLs – we’ll tag you
4) FLASH in the pens (refers to those in the bullpen)
5) The Ty COBOLs
6) Microsoftball (or just plain Microsoft)
OR
7) Macrosoft – we’re in the big leagues!

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Dear Pungents, I need a pun about an optical education. ~ Ian, Edmonton, Alberta

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) “Which drugs do ophthalmalogists smoke? Myopium!”

2) “Optometry students need to be devoted, much like the Catholic saints. Are you too willing to experience a stigmata-ism?”

3) “Who could snag rebounds, even in the dark? Dennis Rod-man!”

4) “I thought I was doing well at optometry, but I got a see on my exam!”

5) “How do Wiccan opticians get rid of insect infestations? Perform a see ants!”

6) “Becoming a hawkulist is nothing to spit at.”

7) “Studying optometry lens itself to a good career; that’s no eye-dle spec-ulation!”

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Dear Pungents, I read a fab article about you in the National Post. I work for an accounting firm and I need a funny phrase about the new advisory group serving our North York office. They’ll work with the many different industry groups; we’re giving them a hat because they’ll be ‘wearing many hats’ in their role. Can you think of a good phrase to put on the hats? Thanks so much! ~Lisa, Toronto

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) “Advisory groups – the multi-hatted hydra of accounting”

2) “More than just beanie-counting“

3) “From fedora-l revenue agents to fez-cal (fiscal) experts – they all toque (talk) to us!”

4) “Work harder or I’ll cap yo ass!”

5) “I work with 3 industry groups – it’s a hat-trick!””

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Dear Pungents, I’m thinking of buying some Pungents merch, but I’m not sure if I should buy the large or the extra-large t-shirt. Can ya help a brother out with a little zinger to help me make my decision? ~Cristobal, Little Portugal, Toronto

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) “Well, if it were tree-shirt sizes, I’d tell you to get extra-larch.”

2) “If you were psychic, you’d know you’d need a medium.” [technically not a pun – alternately, “If you were a hungry carnivore, you’d know you’d need meaty-yum.”]

3) “Which size? Anyone who nose the Pungents should get smell.”

4) “Whatever size you pick, be very careful after placing your order – You don’t want to be known as the guy who buys merch and dies.”

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Dear Pungents, I need a witty, yet still professional-sounding team name for a group of four writers. Can you help? ~Liz, Alberta

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) The Writers’ Bloc

2) The Author Side of the Fence

3) The Calligraphy Crew – Vials and Scribulations

4) Four Versemen of the Apocalypse

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Dear Pungents, I’m referred to as a Corporate Account Manager (CAM), in a sales org dealing with accounts throughout North America. We CAM’s are subdivided by industry ie. pharmaceutical, petroleum, transportation etc. I belong to ‘General’ which covers all the rest. We’re looking for a better name than General CAM’s … please help! ~ Paul, Vancouver

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) The Mixed Sale-ads – where there’s no accounting for taste?

2) The CAMs: Corporate Account Menageurs – where it’s an industrial orgy.

3) The MADCAPs: Mixed and Divided Corporate Account Powershippers – we put in the wind in the sales.

4) GONADS: General Organization, North American-Division Salespeople

5) The CAM-shaft – because all the good names were taken!

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Dear Pungents, I’m a teacher writing some ESL material for secondary students. I wrote a personality test which is supposed to direct students toward opening either a product- or service-based business depending on their interests. The name of the unit is Mind Your Business; I need a catchy name for the quiz. Remember, the students are studying English as a second language, therefore it must be a low-level pun. Please help! ~ Paul, Trois-Rivieres, Quebec

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) “Are you suit-able? Tailor your business to your personality.”

2) “Profit Prophet: predicting where your business interests lie.”

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Dear Pungents, I frequent a women’s forum called “Chatelaine”. Those who post are from Canada, the States and even overseas. We joke, argue and advise each other about a variety of subjects. What can you come up with? ~ Yvonne, Courtenay, BC

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) “Why do so many people call themselves Elaine on this forum? Every time I come here I always chat Elaine!”

2) “Would you call the descriptions of themselves which the members display on this forum a victory for women’s fib?”

3) “I encourage those on the forum to play games with one another. Even if someone loses, we all end up women!”

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Dear Pungents, Please help! I have a gambling and drinking problem. What would be the best wine selection for my next poker game with my friends? ~ Mark, Kingston, Ontario

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1 “When I play poker and I’m the killer*, then my wine of choice is a Muscat.”

(*KILL (OR KILL BLIND): an oversize blind, usually twice the size of the big blind and doubling the limit. A kill can be either voluntary or mandatory. The most common requirements of a mandatory kill are for winning two pots in a row at lowball and other games, or for scooping a pot in high-low split. ~ from pokerforum.com)

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Dear Pungents, I need a phrase/slogan to promote a symphony orchestra. ~ Mary, Toronto

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) “I heard that whales like to sing – in the orca-stra!”

2) “We’re so good you better bring a vomit bag – we’ll make mu-sic!“

3) “We get so excited when we play – you should see our tromboner!”

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