Frank from Eldorado:
Another Tupac pun for you –
After the November 1994 shooting when he received some bullets in the nether regions, his girlfriend called him No-pack Shagger.

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Andrew from Dugald, MB:
Announcing the opening of “Urology: The Musical“. The heartwarming story of doctors and how they heal men’s injured…private bits. Soundtrack will feature original cast ‘member’ Urethra Franklin.

Andrew says, “Even I think this is a groiner.”

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Ben from Toronto:
Patron saint of taxpayers – St. Francis of Assessee.

Ben says, “would look nice on a tax lawyer’s office.”

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Frank from Eldorado, ON:
When I moved and needed a family doctor, my new neighbours told me to see Dr. Bumstead. When I did, it turned out that he was a proctologist. So he told me: “Your friends obviously gave you a bum steer. With friends like those you don’t need any enemas.”

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Andrew from Dugald:
A spokesman for NASA confirmed that an extremely giddy gypsy had to be forcibly removed from Cape Canaveral. She had wanted to hold a meeting of the spirits before the next shuttle launch. “I had to tell her, ‘Lady, this ain’t rocket seance‘. When she still wouldn’t leave or stop laughing, we had to beat her into submission. Sometimes it’s hard to strike a happy medium.”

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HOLY MATRI-GROANY?

Dear Pungents, I’m getting married in a few weeks and wanted some wedding-related puns I could include in a speech. A little about us: I’m a grad student, nearing completion of my Ph.D in chemistry; she’s a tobacco-farmer-turned-clinical-pharmacist, specializing in hemotology. Have at it! ~Tyler, Toronto

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

(Adjust speech to conform to the facts… lots of bonus plays on words thrown in to boot!)

“We met when I was doing my Ph.D – right away, there was chemistry.

I knew her when she was a tobacco farmer. I thought she was just smokin’. We would stay up nights listening to that Def Leppard song – ‘Pour Some Cigar On Me’. She liked my hard wooden pipes, didn’t think I was drag. It was serendipitous – I met her just in the nic o tine! We’ve come a lung way since then. Now I’m addicted to her every breath.

She made a career change from farming, but not a big one – she was still in farm-acy. Now she specializes in hemotology; at the time I thought, wow that’s bloody incredible. Truly she is my prizecription! I feel so anemic compared to her; sometimes I wonder if she thinks I’m a dope, or a pill. Oh well, seeing how much we’ve spent on this wedding, at least she knows I’m not a pauper (popper)!” (take a bow)

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Ben from Toronto:
I had a band called ‘Bare necked laddies‘; it didn’t work though, we were always stretching it.

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Andrew from Dugald, MB:
If the Father, Son and Holy Ghost formed a country group, would they call themselves “the Holy Trinitty Gritty Dirt Band“?

The patron saint of mama’s boys would be St. Francis of Asissy.

Was the recently retired Cardinal Sin able to follow his moral compass?

Andrew says, “The last one may be obtuse – cardinal points on a map and all that.”

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Frank from Eldorado:
What did the Pakistani immigrant living in Paris do when he was lonely and homesick?
He took a trip to Lahore.

Why did nobody believe the Mexican railroad-engineer-turned-politician when he said he just wanted to serve humanity?
Because, obviously, he had a loco motive.

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