Dear Pungents, I’m a teacher writing some ESL material for secondary students. I wrote a personality test which is supposed to direct students toward opening either a product- or service-based business depending on their interests. The name of the unit is Mind Your Business; I need a catchy name for the quiz. Remember, the students are studying English as a second language, therefore it must be a low-level pun. Please help! ~ Paul, Trois-Rivieres, Quebec

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) “Are you suit-able? Tailor your business to your personality.”

2) “Profit Prophet: predicting where your business interests lie.”

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Dear Pungents, I frequent a women’s forum called “Chatelaine”. Those who post are from Canada, the States and even overseas. We joke, argue and advise each other about a variety of subjects. What can you come up with? ~ Yvonne, Courtenay, BC

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) “Why do so many people call themselves Elaine on this forum? Every time I come here I always chat Elaine!”

2) “Would you call the descriptions of themselves which the members display on this forum a victory for women’s fib?”

3) “I encourage those on the forum to play games with one another. Even if someone loses, we all end up women!”

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Dear Pungents, Please help! I have a gambling and drinking problem. What would be the best wine selection for my next poker game with my friends? ~ Mark, Kingston, Ontario

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1 “When I play poker and I’m the killer*, then my wine of choice is a Muscat.”

(*KILL (OR KILL BLIND): an oversize blind, usually twice the size of the big blind and doubling the limit. A kill can be either voluntary or mandatory. The most common requirements of a mandatory kill are for winning two pots in a row at lowball and other games, or for scooping a pot in high-low split. ~ from pokerforum.com)

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Dear Pungents, I need a phrase/slogan to promote a symphony orchestra. ~ Mary, Toronto

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) “I heard that whales like to sing – in the orca-stra!”

2) “We’re so good you better bring a vomit bag – we’ll make mu-sic!“

3) “We get so excited when we play – you should see our tromboner!”

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Dear Pungents, I need a pun to write on my friend’s 19th birthday card. I want him to know that I really appreciate his help and his jokes. ~ Kathryn, Vancouver

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) “You’re lucky you’re no longer fodder for cannibals. They only ate teens!”

2) “If it wasn’t for all your kelp, I’d have long ago started smoking pot. Then I’d only see weed!”

3) “I love how you’re always a round – so happy girthday!”

4) “Harpy bday – I pulled some strings to write you these jokes!”

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