Puns on Demand

Dear Pungents, My wife is a professional ballerina who is retiring after 16 years. A solo has been created for her incorporating a theme of seashells. I’m proud of my own punmanship, and I don’t want to mussel in on your territory, but I figured I’d call out the heavy artillery for this one. There’s a big retirement party for her, and I want as many “shell” references (without straying too far into the overall “ocean” or “fish” themes). I’ve got the obvious: Lawrence Whelk, shellfish/selfish, but I’ll take any assistance you guys can come up with! With friends like you guys, who needs anemones? ~Lorne, Winnipeg, MB

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) Meet George Jetsam.
2) Sea shells Sanctuary (the Cult song, hello??)
3) She’s Prawn Quixote and I’m her Concho Panza.
4) Oh, the clamity!
5) I hope the critics won’t chiton her routine.
6) If Pat Sajak were here he’d ask ‘Would you like to bi a valve?’
7) We thought about calling it ‘Return to Sander‘.
8) This place has pretty good fossilities.
9) I’m lucky to have my wife. I’m glad she was the marine type.

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Dear Pungents, We’re about to join a couples bowling league and need a team name. Thanks! ~Jason and Karen, Cumberland, RI

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
1) Clark Kent and Lois Lane
2) (Don’t) Strike Your Spouse
3) Love to Spare
4) We’re not Splitsville!
(all plays on words)

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Dear Pungents, please describe my job as a professional video producer: I shoot and edit video tours of ‘reel estate’ for sale or rent. The videos can be produced for other businesses, too. Finally, these short films are for streaming on the Internet. ~Jay, Providence, Rhode Island

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) Jay V See
2) Jay-V’s Home Videos
3) Veni Vidi Video.
4) Short films aka Vidgets
5) The ProdiJay
6) “See videos of your new home on Jay’s Internest Streaming.”

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Dear Pungents, I’m taking a group of high school girls to Spain for spring break, and we’re making t-shirts for the trip. Any ideas for a good Spanish pun? My dad suggested the old “Jose, can you see” joke. Can you all do better? Thanks. ~Kathleen, Marion, Kentucky

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) No Spain, no gain
2) Basque in the glow
3) Iberia? I hear ya!
4) Who’s pain for this vacation anyway?
5) We’re having a paella of fun.
6) The Toureadors
7) Maraca and roll!
8) Sevillization, here we come.
9) Kentucky girls get drunk in Barsaloona.
10) The Star Spanglish Banner!

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Dear Pungents, I am part of a UK dance troupe and we are looking for a name for ourselves. We were thinking something to do with ‘north’, ‘angels’, ‘dance’ etc. The best we came up with was Independance, but it’s taken. Please help us. Thanks! ~Lisa, Newcastle, UK

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1. The Dance Cap
2. Waltz Disney
3. Ballet cats (like alley cats)
4. Ballrumour
5. The Floorists
6. Leggends
7. Hot Bawdies
8. The Right Angels
9. The Leaping Lezzos
10. Steposaurus
11. 12 Step Program
12. The Troupadores
13. Angel Station
14. Sleeping Booty
15. Northogonal
16. Pair o’ Leg Gals (Paralegals)
17. Return to Saunter
18. Cancanoodle
19. The Discompany
20. Inspector Pirouettes (Poireau)
21. The Tony Dancers (Tony Danzas)
22. Salsangels
23. Barton Phunk

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Dear Pungents, a pyromania pun please! ~Kate, Toronto

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) Hear about the lousy pyromanic, who was fired from his job? He went on the Arsonio Hall show to complain.
2) Hear about the mathematician who torched his house on March 14? He was quite the pi rho.
3) Comedian Richard was a pryoromaniac.
4) Pyromaniacs aren’t very hardworking. They’re always blazing on the job.
5) Pyromania puns are awful. They’re the flamest of jokes.

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Dear Pungents, something relating to my school motto, incorporating ‘light’ or ‘enlightenment’ or James Bond and light (referring to the year seeing as its 007), would be very much appreciated. Our motto is ‘Light come visit me.’ ~Emily, Hobart, Tasmania, Australia

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) “After graduation, get on a flight! Come visit me.“
2) “Lichen, visit me! I’ll moss everyone from 2007! We had fungus! Shaloam!”
3) ‘”007 – It’s been a bonderful year.”
4) “James Bond was an Irish-Arab Swede. They called him Dubai O’Sven.”

(1 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)

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Dear Pungents, I need puns on English and American writers. ~Anna, Gomel, Belarus

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) “Hemingway was quite overweight in his later years, when he wrote For Whom Belt Holes.”
2) “Joseph Conrad wrote about an evil wind that blinds men’s eyes. It was called Fart of Darkness.“
3) “Who was hung like a horse? ‘S’a mule johnson.”
4) “Which playwright was always agitating his friends? Shakespeer.”
5) “Hear that Dickens wrote a sequel to Melville’s Moby Dick? He called it A Whale of Two Titties.“
6) “Jane Austen’s epic about frugality? Cents and Sensibility.”
7) “Kurt Vonnegut Jr. is a master of dark comedy. He put the laughter in Slaughterhouse 5.”

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Dear Pungents, I’m in New Zealand and hungry for, nay demanding, puns associated with my temporary home. ~Peter, Wellington, NZ

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) “Want to know about New Zealand? Look it up on Kiwipedia!”
2) “I bought a kiwi at a silent auckland.”
3) “If I move to Wellington, I’m going to run for Maori.”
4) “Didn’t the Beatles write a song about the Isle of Taxman?”
5) “Will New Zealanders ever get over their constitutional confusion? Let’s Wait an gi.”
6) “Punsters love New Zealand. Didn’t Peter Jackson film Lord of the Zings there? (The shoot was well orcanized, and the films quite ent-ertaining.)”
7) “The way they treated the aboriginals is absolutely appolynesian.”

(1 votes, average: 1.00 out of 5)

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Dear Pungents, can you think of one that somehow integrates Nickelback and how much they suck? P.S. it has to be extra witty. ~Jamie, Toronto

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) “Nickelback offends all five centses.”
2) “They should have called the song Fyodor on the Floor – b/c it’s a crime and punishment.”
3) “What made me stop listening to Nickelback? All the right reasons.”
4) “The only reason I don’t plant my fist in Chad Kroeger’s face, is that I’d want my knuckles back.“
5) “Feces how you remind me of what I really am…”

(1 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)

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