Farming Puns

What advice does a farmer follow when choosing a tractor? “If it fields good, do it.”

NED: You shouldn’t let farm animals provoke you.
ED: I can’t help it – they goated me!

No farm building should ever, under any circumstances, be used as a convent… barn nun.

The farmer was stressed out. He had a high-thresher job.

How did the ferrier’s wife know he’d been seeing a prostitute? She found a horseshoe.

After they had laid down all the fertilizer, the farmers awoke the next day, shocked at their discovery of the crap circles.

The song ‘Dancing Queen’ is so bad, they use it to slaughter cows. You know – in the ABBAtoir.

Grain farmers have a tough life. They barley survive from wheat to wheat.

I tried to navigate the farmer’s field. But it was a maize.

Does growing sorghum cause gingivitis?

What do corn wear at night to keep warm? Stalkings.

When Beethoven lived on a farm, he wrote Oat to Joy.

Billy Ray Cyrus quit country music to build a gigantic bread oven. He called it the Acrey Bakery Hearth.

And Brooke Shields decided to grow colourful produce on her farm, aka the Blue Legume.

A farmer’s favourite party game: Truth or Dairy.

Catastrophic: when tabby caused a commotion by dipping his rump into the pig’s slop.

The innovative farmer decided to mark off his hoofed mammals. Everyone was impressed at this brand gnu development.

The criminal threatened to strike right at harvest time. The farmer said to him, “You better leave, before I cull the crops!

What kids grow up in the fields? Farmy brats.

Farmers get stressed out when it’s harvest time and they’re expected to compensate their workers. They suffer from so many acres and payins.

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Music Puns

Which band is raising a stink? New Odour.

What band do farmers play when their opium crop fails? Skinny Poppy!

Which band was inspired by puffy toy animals? Nerf-fauna.

As fans of Axl and Slash, Pat and Rhain’s favourite rock band is Puns ‘n’ Groanses.

What’s a Scotsman’s favourite U2 song? ‘With or Without Ewe’.

Man cannot live on bread alone? Au contraire! As the Beatles sang, ‘All You Need Is Loaf’.

Which Beatle was communist? John Lenin.

All of Pearl Jam’s decisions are to be approved by Eddie Vetter.

Which songstress got a ligament transplant from rocker Cocker? Joe-knee Mitchell!

Which folksinger was an oil baron? Bob Drillin’.
” was hung up on actress Bancroft? Bob Dial-Anne.
” killed his internet server? Bob Die-LAN.
” loved colourful wool sweaters? Bob Dye-lamb.

Which rocker gave up a career as a chicken trainer? Jimi Hentricks!

Who’s famous for his sugary ballads? Bon-bon Jovi!

REM’s popular hit about facing your inner heart of darkness? ‘Everybody Kurtz’.

Which artist has been prostrate since childhood? Kneel Young.

Can the singer of Purple Rain really boogie? Who – Prance?

Which diva’s a target for media muckrakers? Mudonher!

Which Beatle was hounded by puck bunnies during his stellar hockey career? Rink-ho Starr!

Which band is horny? The Sax Pistols!

Which 60s band was implicated in terrorism? The Hamas and the Papas!

Musical genius? Eminem is no smartie.

Which British group jogs in the morning? Dew-ran Dew-ran!

Was Boy George a stickler for punctuation? Yes, he wrote Comma-chameleon!

What U2 album was a joke? The Josh-ua Tree!

Which Beatles album had buzz? Api Road!

Which classical composer was lured into a furnace? Ludwig van Bait-oven!

You’re lucky if the composer of the Hungarian Rhapsody makes your acquaintance – you can add him to your Franz Liszt!

Which composer likes to cut wood? Chopin.

Who’s Salt-N-Pepa’s favourite composer? Franz Shoop-ert.

Which composer’s routine consisted of drinking tea, hacking his lungs out, and then hitting the slopes? Chai-cough-ski!

Which producer gets all worked up? Brian Emo.

Who gets a kick out of math? Joy Division.

Which act had a smallish frontman? Runty MC!

Who launched an ad campaign to fight crabs? Pube-Lice Enemy!

The U2 guitarist was wise to drop of high school – his music career offered a better Edge-ucation.

U2’s Larry Mullin’ Junior can’t decide on having a baby.

Tony Danza’s favourite band? Oh-eh-sis!

Who never shut up on a flight? Janis Jaw-plane! 

Who ended up as Zamboni drivers? Rink Floyd. 

Who’s marries anyone, as long as they’re eye-candy? Jennifer Elope-pez. 

Whose voice causes cattle stampedes? Moo-riot Carey.

Who developed a German beer using mineral water? Brews Spring-Stein.

Have you heard ‘Danger Jelly‘ – the latest from Peril Jam?

Which group shaved their pubic hair? Bush Ex. 

Were Paul and Art depressed after reluctantly adding a third member to their act? Yes, they were now nicknamed Sigh, Moan & Gar-Funk-el.

Gwen stopped being shy about exposing her knotty leg muscles to public view – “After all,” she said, “we’re Node Out.

Who will paint your van? Inkubus!

The British dance group gets nervous about zapping cattle – they’re Prod-itchy.

Which Detroit punkers cut a large swath of musical destruction? The Wide Strips.

Which alterna band still believes in Santa Claus? Saw-Nick Youth.

Which band prefers not to wear clothes? Garb-itch.

At the site of the famous plane wreck the emergency crews discovered a horrid sight: Bloody Holly, Richie’s Valentrails, and a steaming carcass aka the Big Glop.

Flea’s favourite bar food? Chili Poppers.

Who are rock giants? Metall-ica.

Who’s the techno artist famous for sad songs? Mopy.

The Chemo-kill brothers died from radiation therapy.

Which band tolerates meateaters? The Beef-if-ya-choose (B52s)

Is Rush an optimistic group? Yes: drummer Neil is pert, guitarist Alex is Laughson, and the frontman sings quite geddy-lee.

Who spends a lot of time in the bathroom? Loo Read!

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Education Puns

If you’re crafty, then you don’t have to get a Ph.D. You can get a masters degree and then just doctor it.

“Man that coarse was rough!”

If you write an exam in a freezing cold room then you might end up as a testicle.

When did you flunk out of Cannibal U? It was in my fleshman year.

Why does a lexicographer’s pants have holes in the crotch and the lower leg? Because they’re dick-shin-airy.

How do you greet a Grade 8 student? With a junior ‘hi’.

It was just a pile of shit, my mass-turd’s degree.

I’ll miss going to medical school… without it my life will be MD.

My friend James loves going to Jim class.

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Periodic Table of Elements Puns

Which element of the periodic table obeys all the laws? Copper.

Sewing machines are made from aloominum.

Tilemakers use floorine.

Iron is expensive; if you want some you must pay a Fe.

Gravediggers use barium.

Why should punsters go to hell? We’ve already sulfured enough!

Las Vegas must be made of tin. Because it’s Sn City.

The lazy chemist disliked reciting the more obscure elements; it would bohrium to death.

The divorced chemist had to make antimony payments.

Bromine – the chemical for angry black men.

Compounds of which noble gas are hard to spot? Argon.

The film about the chemist in Vietnam? Boron on the Fourth of July.

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Cow Puns

They let a large cow into the Playboy Mansion, and called it Huge Heifer.

Which US state has the most bovines? Cowafornia! (…but what about Moo Mexico?)

Is there any trace left of the great Ancient Cow civilization? Yes, many ruminants are left behind.

Tantric sex with bovines? That’s a lotta bull-yoni.

Does excessive methane release (farting) ruin a cow’s milk production? Yes, because of the poisonous dairy-air.

Cows often regurgitate their own cud. It’s because they’re bullimic.

Those who invest in cattle futures must pay attention to the leather forecast.

Mother cow to uncouth calf: “Were you grazed in a barn?

Misbehaving cows must sit in the corner wearing a dung’s cap.

The cow and bull mated in a heap of dung. The next morning the cow said “man ‘ure great last night!”

The Secret Service surrounded the President with dozens of cows. They were trying to beef up security. (POW)

The farmer was at a loss to produce more beef. In a last-ditch effort, he put his cows in a giant centrifuge. It was so sad; he was really spinning his veals.

Eat in the field where the grass is greener? You gotta be grazy!

You shouldn’t tell jokes about cows. Nobody likes a cattle-tale.

Which cows look forward to being barbecued? The ones who feel at home on the range. (POW)

Q: Do you eat veal? A: Of course not! Also, I’m trying to give up calfeine.

There are those cows who produce offspring and those who don’t. It’s a case of the calves and calve-nots.

Goats and donkeys tend to be lazy. But cows – they give 110% heifer!

When should you throw out your cow milk? When it gives off a peculiar udder.

FINALLY

One night in the barn, the hoofed mammals got together and decided to have an orgy. It was an all-ungulate debaucherment, featuring depraved acts with cows, goats, wildebeests and more! Things were getting rather out of hand when the poor unsuspecting farmer walked in, all agape. The orgy grinded to a halt. One of the hoofers pulled a firearm on the party-crasher and ordered him angrily to leave. Stunned and embarrassed, the farmer asked the pistol-packing ungulates to calm down: “Don’t let me interrupt,” he stammered at the point of the barrel, “please – put your gnu back in the holstein!

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Religion Puns

Famous 1930s Muslim comedy duo? Afghani Stan and Ali.

Which Old Testament prophet took forever to make a point? ‘I say …uhhh…‘.

Old Testament movies? Three words: I ‘Heart’ Maccabees!

When Jesus finished his Sherman on the Mount, the people said ‘Tanks a lot!’

Who in the Old Testament prophesized about loam? A mos.

Was Lao-Tzu once a stockbroker? Yes, he was the founder of Dowism.

How do magicians impress a Jewish audience? They pull a rabbi out of the hat!

Did Jesus’ closest followers loudly proclaim the Good News? Not at all – even when combined they were only 12 decibels (disciples).

Did you hear that scientists have cloned the mother of Jesus? They’re calling her the Version Mary!

Which prophet never made his own food? Habbukuk.

Elijah would have made a good Frodo.

Which fringe religion’s main ritual is to ‘toss the salad’ of stray felines? The roamin’-cat-hole-lick church!

They often fall asleep in their synagogues in the land of Torah Bora.

Do they throw bread and wine all over the floor during the Catholic littergy?

Popular snack in Israel? Jew Jewbs!

Why is Hell the best place to host a business convention? Because – there’s so much sinnergy!

The assassin was charged with finishing off the singer from Coldplay. But when it came time to do the deed, he intentionally shot wide off the mark. “Oh, what the heck,” he said, “it is Chris miss after all!”

Some Indian tribesmen are so calm and Stoic that they refuse to be hurried – even during the high holy holidays of Judaism for example. You should never Rush a Shona.

Inflexibility? Well, I knew one imam in particular who was so strict, no one was allowed to even discuss theology with him. He would just take the Koran and Ramadan our throats!

Why does Paul Martin’s cabinet always put on chanukah shirts before entering parliament? Because they’re a minorah-tee government!

Jesus could often be a difficult customer in restaurants. In fact his servers would often complain about Him behind His back. He was known for turning waiter into whine.

Basketball in the Middle East? That’s I-slam dunk!

Why do some people in Israel have to rush home before sundown? Because they practice Jew-day-ism.

Does the Supreme Being wear a lot of ‘bling’? Yes – He’s quite Goddy.

After the tumultuous switch to communism from their millenia of ancestral traditions, the people of China were left in a state of Confucius.

How do Hindus conjugate verbs? ‘Swim, Swum, Swami’!

Why did the evangelical Christian pummel the livestock purchaser over the head? Because he was a buy bull thumper! 

How does the Buddha pick up at bars? “Hey baby – looking for a Gautama?”

Most kickboxers practice Shin-toe-ism.

The Hindu god who can open up the doors to heaven is known as Lakshmith.

Whenever Pun Gent Rhain gets together with the Prime Minister of Israel and the prime god of Hinduism, they make some beautiful music. Together they’re known as Sharon, Louis, and Brahma.

When their favourite rabbi was caught stealing a loaf of bread, everyone was quite sin agog.

“I’m Catholic – we don’t have sects!” 

When two webmasters get married in church, is that a dot-communion?

Turbantine: the solvent used to wash Sikh headgear.

Which Christian sect permits fellatio? The Wanglickans.

When the imam saw that his favourite shawarma place was serving pork falafels, he was incensed. “This place,” he screamed, “is going to halal in a hambasket!”

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Cemetery and Death Puns

Hear about those new ‘big box’ cemeteries? It’s one-stop coffin!

Should you age your wine in a wooden coffin? Yes, it’s better to casket.

Overweight people tend to have a problem with cemeteries: ie they suffer from coffin fits.

An unpleasant person who works at a graveyard is a malignant tomber.

It’s dangerous driving in the Sudan. Every outing on the road could be your funeral. Especially if you get trapped in Khartoum.

A terrorist’s favourite facet of death? “I’m-bombing!” (say it fast).

When singer Anka dies, it will take up to six men to remove his clothes for embalming. They will be known as Paul barers.

After a cemetery mixup that left their son with an ordinary bare plot, the wealthy family were very upset; in fact they were stark grave-ing mad.

Do Jews get placed in a matzohleum?

If you are lactose intolerant then you shouldn’t choose creamation.

When all your brain cells have stopped firing, it’s time for a few-neural.

When the joke writer was near death after a long and dedicated career, all his past typos were forgiven by an editor in a sacred ritual called the anointing of the [sic].

Conversely the writer who used too many words was sentenced to death. (POW)

There was a notoriously weird criminal who stole shoes from triplets. Don’t worry, he ended up six-feet plunder.

Gravediggers are overweight due to their cemetery lifestyle.

Do gravediggers get their coffee among the burial grounds? (POW)

Which embalming fluid works best? Each mortician should formalin his own opinion.

What should you do with a punster who’s dying onstage, and suffering miserably? Take him off laugh support. 

The Christians who navigated the underbelly of ancient Rome were a lot like modern hippies. They became extremely dishevelled and unkempt down among the sarcophagi and bones of the first saints. It was, like, ‘give that cat a comb!

The two famous gangs met at the cemetery. These notorious groups battled until there was blood on the crypts (Bloods & Krips).

They held a funeral for the Scotsman’s lover. Most touching was the ewelogy.

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Carpentry and Construction Puns

The lonely carpenter is sad when he can’t get lathed.

What did the announcer scream when the wooden model of the Hindenburg burst into flames? “Oh, the mahogany!”

When the carpenter was shirking his work, using his tool in a circular arc, the foreman said “Quit plane a round!”

Garry Kasparov’s favourite wood is chestnut.

I was arguing with a construction worker. We were getting bogged down in cementics.

The squad in Florida that cracks down on carpentry infractions? Miami Vise.

Speaking of woodwork, what’s Queen Elizabeth’s favourite screw? Philipshead.

How do they imprison criminals on the large Greek island? They use con Crete.

Those who polish their own wood never catch veneereal disease.

Christopher Plummer’s career has gone down the pipes.

Did you see the Carpenters’ on their wedding night? Yes I saw wood nail box.

Musical act the Loggers sure know how to strike the right timber.

The lumberjacks arguing about beer were at lagerheads.

Do you add sodium chloride during the iron smelting process? No, the Bible says thou salt not steel.

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St. Patrick’s Day Puns

Is a tester of Irish beers a Guinness pig?

What do you call an Irish terrorist? Ira.

They call everyone ‘Lynne’ in Ireland. Especially in Dub Lynne.

People in Ireland proudly wear their Celts.

What’s the big Irish university in California? Cel-Tech!

What do Jamaicans say on St. Patty’s Day? “Kiss me, I’m Irie!

What’s a British soldier’s favourite snack? Lick-Irish.

What kind of coffee is served in IRA torture chambers? Irish Scream.

The Dubliner tried to quit drinking, but was Bailey able.

In Ireland do they have underclover cops?

Looking for an Irishman at Tiffany’s? Check the emerald aisle!

Two men accidentally ran over a Dubliner. They got out of the car, looked at the damage and one man said to the other, “Looks like you’ve got a flat Ire!”

There are few disputes in Ireland, because they are always a’green!

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Capital Cities – Europe! – Geography Puns

Should tourists visit the French capital alone or in paris?

Avoid perverts in the Swedish capital – they’ll Stock you holm.

Wear flame-retardant clothing in Switzerland – you don’t want to get Berne-d.

If you take your dustbuster to Iceland it will be destroyed – especially in Reckyervac.

Is Ireland experiencing exponential growth? Yes, everything’s Dublin!

Bring your ID to the Welsh nightclub – you might get cardiff at the door.

Which Polish city witnessed calamity? War saw.

The Finnish capital reeks of sulphur and brimstone – that’s why they call it Hellstinki.

There’s quite a ‘don’t care’ attitude in Greece. If something goes wrong the locals shrug and say ‘Shit athens.’

It’s difficult to play a clean game of hockey in Croatia, because of ‘za-clutch and za-greb.’

Why such suffering among Sarajevan viticulturists? Because in Bosnia it Herz-to-grow-vineyards.

Don’t bother voting in Latvia – the elections are riga’d!

Why does Superman avoid Lithuania? Because Lex Luthor’s there, and he’s vil’nius (villainous).

I met a saucy lass in Belarus – she was quite the Minsk!

Yuschenko’s victory in the Ukraine was a Kiev-ent.

Slovenia’s entry into the EU was a cause for Ljubiljation.

I don’t mind when Yugoslavians mark on a curve – but others do resent the Belgrade.

Lovers are loudest in Moanaco.

Where do bears go in Norway? Urslo!

In the Macedonian version of Star Trek, Captain Kirk says “Beam me up, Skopje!

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