Dear Pungents, I share a computer at home with my husband. We are constantly having major races after dinner to see who can reach the computer first to check email, chat with overseas friends on msn, etc. What can I say to petrify him in his tracks so I can win the next race? ~ Preciso Hooch, Cayman Islands

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) “Stop! The computer can’t be trusted: it’s see-pee-you watches when we’re in the bathroom!”

2) “I beat you because you’re so slow – you’re only moving at 16x!”

3) “In these days of political correctness, it’s only natural that the woman should take advantage of the PC!”

4) “I’ll RAM you! I’ll dish out the mega-hurts! I’ll make you re-pentium! You’ve got the ROM idea, buster; I’m a much better athlon!”

5) “Let me use messenger, or I’ll become your m-s-n-emesis!”

(1 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)

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Dear Pungents: I work at a school for children with special needs. In a country where the finance industry is such a mainstay of the economy, I feel like people think less of me for not working in banking or in business. What can I say to shut them up? ~ Kimberly Exactobrew, Cayman Islands

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) “Do you think we live in the Payman Islands?”

2) “My husband and I do enough bonking – I don’t need to do it all day at work!”

3) “I already act like a bank employee. Whenever one of my special needs kids throws things, I have to teller to behave herself!”

4) “Mortgages? There are more gauges to a healthy society than that!”

5) “Yes, I’m a trader – I’m a hawkupational therapist!”

6) “Enough teasing – don’t make me get fis(i)cal!”

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Dear Pungents, My friend wants to open a gelateria and has commissioned me to come up with punny names for her shop. Can you come up with non flavour-specific suggestions that don’t involve, “I scream…” or “gelata flavours…”? ~ Toxic Chi, Toronto

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) Gelotto – where every flavour wins
2) Gellice/Gellous Lovers
3) The Naked Spooner
4) Hello Gello
5) Tutti Gefrutti
6) Cold Mountain
7) Gelly Belly
8) Gello Concerto
9) Gelava
10) Creamophilia
11) Licker Barn
12) Sweetish Beauties
13) Gelactica
14) Smoothios

[Not all are puns, but good names nevertheless!]

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Dear Pungents: my parents will be visiting from the East Coast in May. I’d like some pungerific words of advice for when they navigate the streets of Toronto. Thanks as always! ~ East Coast Dog, Toronto

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) “If you’re visiting the Japanese area, wok – don’t run.”

2) “There’s more to Toronto than just CN the tower.”

3) “If you go to the Royal Ontario Museum, check out the donkey that’s on loan from the Enterprise. It’s ROM-mule-in!”

4) “Be careful doing laundry in Miss-a-sock-a!”

5) “Lost downtown? Remember that west of the DVP, the grass is always greener and the street is always Bloor.”

6) “Don’t be afraid to get your feet dirty walking around – that’s why they’re called Tar-on-toenians!”

(1 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)

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Dear Pungents: next week I’m going to France on business, and I’d love a few puns to share with my Canadian colleagues about Paris while we’re there. Any ideas, you punning geniuses you? ~ Heather, Ottawa, Ontario

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) “The hotels in France are always booked! For example, one cannot enter the Paris Hilton, as it is always full. You can’t even go in and out of that place quickly just to look around. They should rename it the Paris Filled-inn.”

2) “I hear the French have a great figure skating team. They do especially well in the Paris events!”

3) “If General Custer had conquered France, they’d call it the Trifle tower!“

4) “Does Sir Mix-a-Lot like French art? Yes – he likes to Louvre-it Louvre-it!“

5) “How did they dig the foundations of the famous art gallery? With earth-louvres.”

6) “Why did bandits move to the south side of the Seine? Because they wanted to hole up the Left Bank.“

7) “I hear lots of dogs visit the Arc du Tree-hump.“

8) “Last time I brought my girlfriend to the chomp Elise some guy bit her (but she’s not bitter)!”

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(*warning* – the following Pun on Demand contains adult situations and innuendo)

Dear Pungents: How about a pun for a Canadian kid living in the States who just doesn’t get any respect? He’s constantly getting teased for his odd Canadian accent and for those floppy-headed characters from South Park, Terrence and Philip. ~ Christopolous Briggadopolous, East Greenbush, New York

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) “Won’t shut up? Well how’s this for deTerrence: I’ll Philip your ‘eh’-hole with a canuckle sandwich!”

2) “You know, I spend a lot of time with my Dick Cheney-saw, hacking at the Bush on the way to your sister’s Clintonoris… As a Canadian, I spend a lot of time in her Regina!”

3) “Cut the bull, or al gore you!”

(1 votes, average: 4.00 out of 5)

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Dear Pungents: It’s my mom’s birthday next week while she’s on holiday in St Lucia, and I need something punny to wish her a sun-sational time! ~ Claire, Belleville, Ontario

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) “I would go with you mom, but when it comes to me and St. Lucia – it’s Caribbean there, done that!“

2) “The nightlife is crazy there – It’s sane-lose-ya!”

3) “I hope the weather’s just luciaous!”

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