Frank from Eldorado, ON:
When I moved and needed a family doctor, my new neighbours told me to see Dr. Bumstead. When I did, it turned out that he was a proctologist. So he told me: “Your friends obviously gave you a bum steer. With friends like those you don’t need any enemas.”
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Loading...Andrew from Dugald:
A spokesman for NASA confirmed that an extremely giddy gypsy had to be forcibly removed from Cape Canaveral. She had wanted to hold a meeting of the spirits before the next shuttle launch. “I had to tell her, ‘Lady, this ain’t rocket seance‘. When she still wouldn’t leave or stop laughing, we had to beat her into submission. Sometimes it’s hard to strike a happy medium.”
(Rate This Pun)Loading...Dear Pungents, I’m getting married in a few weeks and wanted some wedding-related puns I could include in a speech. A little about us: I’m a grad student, nearing completion of my Ph.D in chemistry; she’s a tobacco-farmer-turned-clinical-pharmacist, specializing in hemotology. Have at it! ~Tyler, Toronto
AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
(Adjust speech to conform to the facts… lots of bonus plays on words thrown in to boot!)
“We met when I was doing my Ph.D – right away, there was chemistry.
I knew her when she was a tobacco farmer. I thought she was just smokin’. We would stay up nights listening to that Def Leppard song – ‘Pour Some Cigar On Me’. She liked my hard wooden pipes, didn’t think I was drag. It was serendipitous – I met her just in the nic o tine! We’ve come a lung way since then. Now I’m addicted to her every breath.
She made a career change from farming, but not a big one – she was still in farm-acy. Now she specializes in hemotology; at the time I thought, wow that’s bloody incredible. Truly she is my prizecription! I feel so anemic compared to her; sometimes I wonder if she thinks I’m a dope, or a pill. Oh well, seeing how much we’ve spent on this wedding, at least she knows I’m not a pauper (popper)!” (take a bow)
(Rate This Pun)Loading...Ben from Toronto:
I had a band called ‘Bare necked laddies‘; it didn’t work though, we were always stretching it.
(Rate This Pun)Loading... Andrew from Dugald, MB:
If the Father, Son and Holy Ghost formed a country group, would they call themselves “the Holy Trinitty Gritty Dirt Band“?
The patron saint of mama’s boys would be St. Francis of Asissy.
Was the recently retired Cardinal Sin able to follow his moral compass?
Andrew says, “The last one may be obtuse – cardinal points on a map and all that.”
(1 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)Loading...Frank from Eldorado:
What did the Pakistani immigrant living in Paris do when he was lonely and homesick?
He took a trip to Lahore.
Why did nobody believe the Mexican railroad-engineer-turned-politician when he said he just wanted to serve humanity?
Because, obviously, he had a loco motive.
(Rate This Pun)Loading...Dear Pungents, my brother Alan who lives in England turned 50 on May 10. A memorable pun might take his mind off me being late sending his card! He is very quiet until he has a few brews; his local pub is the Packet, which my dad and grandad went to as well. He is a huge Manchester United fan – can’t go to the games anymore because if they lose it puts him in a very bad mood. He’s currently in Egypt on a trip of a lifetime for his 50th; I don’t know if he heard an American has bought into his beloved team while he is away – can’t imagine that’ll make him happy – as much as he isn’t happy about turning 50. So give me a pun that will make him happy. Thanks! ~Yvonne, Oshawa, Ontario
AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:
1) “Good ol’ Alan – he’s the Man U can depend on!”
2) “First they lose #7, and now the whole team’s sold to the Yanks? What the Becks is going on! But don’t cry – there’s no need for soccer bawling!”
3) “As dad and grandad would say, age 50 is no time to Packet in!”
4) “We can’t make fun of you now that you’re 50 – you’re no longer in your for-tease!”
(Rate This Pun)Loading...Frank from Eldorado:
There is a rising new heart throb star crooner in Indonesia.
His name: Frank Sumatra.
Where do they confine offending neighbourhood gang members in Israel?
In Ehud Barak.
What is the natural phenomenon whereby bees transfer pollen from anthers to stigmas known in Tahiti, Tonga, Bora Bora and the Solomon Islands?
Polynesian.
(Rate This Pun)Loading...Andrew from Dugald:
In the world of the apiary, its the queen who wields all the power, her partner, virtually none. Fed up with the situation, one little guy named Ernie decided to crack the hive wide open in a tell-all book he titled: The Impotence of Bee-King Earnest.
(Rate This Pun)Loading...Frank from Eldorado:
says, “inspired by Calvin’s limerick about Allison“
There were two gents called Patty and Rhain
Blessed apundantly with witty brain
Destined to be the ones
To run website for puns
To publish our gems, bright or inane.
Also
What do you call a body builder who lives in one of Iraq’s holy cities?
A Mosulman.
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