Frank from Eldorado:
There is a guy in Africa who is kind of a folk hero there. His first Robin Hood-like act was when he gypt a convenience store owner of a Khartoum of smokes and gave them to his friends. First he was not caught, because he used Som alias. Later, when he was, he was so good at denile, that he was set free. The authorities knew that if they’d kept him in prison, the people would give them Al Giers. In Africa he con go wherever he wants and he always knows where to go. Rarely, when he is in trouble, he Suez for damages. His only handicap is that he has hemorrhoids, also known in Africa as limp popo.

A small airplane was flying over the Iberian Penisula. Suddenly a blinding rain storm caused the pilot to lose all his visual bearings and for the first time in his life, the pilot and the plane were hopelessly lost and ended up miles from its original destination.
In summary: The plane in Spain strays mainly in the rain.

Where do they keep cows that provide milk for the Egyptian Army?
In moo-barracks.

There have been a lot of accusations levelled at Iran for their nuclear program. But should not the world hear their Persian of the story before passing judgment??

There are rumours that “The Dennis Miller Show” on CNBC is close to being cancelled. CNBC, anxious not to see Mr. Miller unemployed, approached various other networks offering his talents, saying: “Dennis, anyone?”

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Pat’s 2005 Pun Off Punniest of Show Routine :: Cannibalism

Pat’s 2005 Pun Off Punniest of Show Routine :: Cannibalism

The transcript of Pat’s bronze-medal winning performance (score: 38 out of a possible 40)


(Intro: points to podium, displaying sign saying ‘This is my Hannibal lectern‘)

Men and women of good taste, great to finally eat you! I wouldn’t lie, my mother braised me well, so that’s no can o’ bull. After years in the Pizza Corpse working as a human-eat-arian, I’m here finally to compete; I promise you I’m no flesh in the pan.

My girlfriend, a cute little fillet, name’s Cake Moss, spends all her time cooking in the microwaif, didn’t think I’d make it this far, but now she’s eating Russell Crowe. Sometimes I’m not so glad I ator – I mean, date her. Nothing’s worse than a jealous liver.

But I won’t Lecter you; I’m not one of those annoying people who never stops chewing you out. You’re all men of convection; I’m practically in oven with you; I am enjoying you people with relish.

Please come over to my place for a donner party. Don’t worry if you are lack-toes intolerant, I’ll strap the feet-bag right on you. You like fresh brain muffins? Exskullent! Then it’s toast slathered with marma-ladies, scrambled legs, all washed down with a full-bodied wino. And dessert: adam’s apple pie with eyes cream and my favourite, J-Lo pudding pops. Bring your kids over to play too – I’d consider it a veal good time.

Now I’m off on a tour of international menus: first it’s Iceland for Bjork chops – then Manila for some Phyllopinos, and also France to have a true hommelette breakfast! Last stop’s the Vatican, where I hope to have the pope’s ear. Hope he listens – someone’s got to keep that guy a-cannibal!

Thanks for letting me take you in gest; I’ll ketchup with you later.

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Andrew from Dugald:
Many baseball catchers take a poetic view of the sport….and they HATE making errors. Better to have gloved and tossed, then to have never coughed up a ball.

Andrew says, “Alfred Lord Tennisanyone?”

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Andrew from Dugald:
I wanted to get a visa so I could work at a zoo in Australia, but they said I didn’t have the right koalafications for the job.

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Frank from Eldorado:
What happened when the truck from the cheese factory had an accident and spilled its load?
People rushed over to pick up de brie.

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Andrew from Dugald:
In his younger days, Mahatma took art lessons and was very good at modeling little clay children. He made it look so easy, his teachers used to say it was like making Ghandi form a baby.

says, “But is it art?”

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Frank from Eldorado:

says, “with apologies to Mary Poppins”

The restaurant reviewer of the local paper was assigned to check out a highly touted new soup on the menu of the editor’s favourite restaurant, with instruction to come back immediately after sampling the soup and report in person. When the reporter finished his meal, he went to see the editor, but as soon as he opened his mouth, the editor recoiled, saying: “Phew, you have bad breath!!”, to which the reporter replied:

Soup of cauli flower does stink, accept halitosis!

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Frank from Eldorado:

says, “with apologies to Mary Poppins”

The restaurant reviewer of the local paper was assigned to check out a highly touted new soup on the menu of the editor’s favourite restaurant, with instruction to come back immediately after sampling the soup and report in person. When the reporter finished his meal, he went to see the editor, but as soon as he opened his mouth, the editor recoiled, saying: “Phew, you have bad breath!!”, to which the reporter replied:

Soup of cauli flower does stink, accept halitosis!

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LOSIN’ MY SCHOOL

Dear Pungents, Help! I am an elementary school teacher, and one of my students keeps whining that she is bored; I’ve used up all my comebacks in the last 8 months teaching her. Please give me some puns so I can make it to the end of June!

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) “Bored? I’ll show you board! [then you hand her a wooden board] Now wooden you like to work?”

2) “Like some cheese with your whine?”

3) “Here, look in this carton [you hand her carton of eggs] – egg-sight ment!”

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Andrew from Dugald, MB:
What famous playwright gave it all up to buy a cattle ranch in Montana, dotted with grassy hills? Knoll Cow-herd.

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