I’m wrote my ESL exam over the Jewish New Year. Shana TOEFL!
Famous 1930s Muslim comedy duo? Afghani Stan and Ali.
Which Old Testament prophet took forever to make a point? ‘I say …uhhh…‘.
Old Testament movies? Three words: I ‘Heart’ Maccabees!
When Jesus finished his Sherman on the Mount, the people said ‘Tanks a lot!’
Who in the Old Testament prophesized about loam? A mos.
Was Lao-Tzu once a stockbroker? Yes, he was the founder of Dowism.
How do magicians impress a Jewish audience? They pull a rabbi out of the hat!
Did Jesus’ closest followers loudly proclaim the Good News? Not at all – even when combined they were only 12 decibels (disciples).
Did you hear that scientists have cloned the mother of Jesus? They’re calling her the Version Mary!
Which prophet never made his own food? Habbukuk.
Elijah would have made a good Frodo.
Which fringe religion’s main ritual is to ‘toss the salad’ of stray felines? The roamin’-cat-hole-lick church!
They often fall asleep in their synagogues in the land of Torah Bora.
Do they throw bread and wine all over the floor during the Catholic littergy?
Popular snack in Israel? Jew Jewbs!
Why is Hell the best place to host a business convention? Because – there’s so much sinnergy!
The assassin was charged with finishing off the singer from Coldplay. But when it came time to do the deed, he intentionally shot wide off the mark. “Oh, what the heck,” he said, “it is Chris miss after all!”
Some Indian tribesmen are so calm and Stoic that they refuse to be hurried – even during the high holy holidays of Judaism for example. You should never Rush a Shona.
Inflexibility? Well, I knew one imam in particular who was so strict, no one was allowed to even discuss theology with him. He would just take the Koran and Ramadan our throats!
Why does Paul Martin’s cabinet always put on chanukah shirts before entering parliament? Because they’re a minorah-tee government!
Jesus could often be a difficult customer in restaurants. In fact his servers would often complain about Him behind His back. He was known for turning waiter into whine.
Basketball in the Middle East? That’s I-slam dunk!
Why do some people in Israel have to rush home before sundown? Because they practice Jew-day-ism.
Does the Supreme Being wear a lot of ‘bling’? Yes – He’s quite Goddy.
After the tumultuous switch to communism from their millenia of ancestral traditions, the people of China were left in a state of Confucius.
How do Hindus conjugate verbs? ‘Swim, Swum, Swami’!
Why did the evangelical Christian pummel the livestock purchaser over the head? Because he was a buy bull thumper!
How does the Buddha pick up at bars? “Hey baby – looking for a Gautama?”
Most kickboxers practice Shin-toe-ism.
The Hindu god who can open up the doors to heaven is known as Lakshmith.
Whenever Pun Gent Rhain gets together with the Prime Minister of Israel and the prime god of Hinduism, they make some beautiful music. Together they’re known as Sharon, Louis, and Brahma.
When their favourite rabbi was caught stealing a loaf of bread, everyone was quite sin agog.
“I’m Catholic – we don’t have sects!”
When two webmasters get married in church, is that a dot-communion?
Turbantine: the solvent used to wash Sikh headgear.
Which Christian sect permits fellatio? The Wanglickans.
When the imam saw that his favourite shawarma place was serving pork falafels, he was incensed. “This place,” he screamed, “is going to halal in a hambasket!”