NED: They kidnapped my flightless bird!
ED: Oh no…
NED: Yes – and they’re holding him ostrich!
Ned and Ed
NED: Where’s the nearest burger pit?
ED: I don’t know, ask a Pittsburgher.
NED: What’s a river rodent’s favourite TV show?
ED: Leave it to Beaver?
NED: No, Welcome Back Otter!
NED: Why are the inheritors of writing instrument empire fortunes always from the middle east?
ED: Because they’re heir ‘o Bic.
NED: If I grab your ass in a bar, it’s not my fault.
ED: Why’s that?
NED: Because I suffer from copaphilia!
NED: Would you sleep with one of your relatives?
ED: Only if I had a nap kin.
NED: I can communicate with fish in distant oceans!
ED: Really?
NED: Yes.
ED: Why, you must be tilapiapathic!
NED: Yup – I just flex my mental mussels and tuna out distractions!
NED: I just farted on you!
ED: Why, you cretin – I am a gassed!
NED: I saw Benedict kneeling over.
ED: Is he OK?
NED: Yeah he’s just praying. Don’t worry, everything’s pope-ascetic.
NED: Are you going to the fumigation convention?
ED: Yeah, I picked up a couple ticks!


