Puns on Demand

Dear Pungents, I just underwent laparoscopic surgery (with four enemas, four puncture wounds and three painkiller prescriptions) to remove some ovarian cysts. Do you have any puns to keep me in stiches while I heal? ~Toxic Chi, Toronto

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) [Point to your puncture wounds] “With rends like these, who needs enemas?”

2) “If Whoopi Goldberg were my doctor, would that make this a Sister-Act-omy?” (cysterectomy, not hysterectomy)

3) “I was anxious prior to the surgery, but I’m glad it’s finally ovary.”

4) “You always take a chance when you have surgery. I just let the chips fallopian where they may.”

5) “I drove to the operating room with ovarian cysts, and I came out with a souped-up Vulva!”

6) “I was swearing like mad before they gave me the painkillers. Nothing like a lil’ ibu-profanity! But I guess all’s well that ends swell. I’m just aspirin’ to get better.”

7) “I’m so elated the surgery was a success – I’m ready to perform a laporoscopic dance!”

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Dear Pungents, I am working at a camp and the theme is Western. I’d love some Western-themed puns- cowboys, rodeos, farmers, etc. thanks! ~Rachel, Winfield, British Colombia

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) “At the pervert rodeo you can either buck a bronco or grope a calf.”

2) “Who was the fattest lawman in the West? Wide Earp!”

3) “There was a fight at the saloon, and the troublesome cowpolk was forcibly removed by the bartender. In fact it was a shooed-out.”

4) “There was one legend who was often mocked and disrepected long after his wild days were through. He even had his car vandalized in a parking lot. Poor old Billie the Keyed.”

5) “Do pervert cowboys get their jollies at the cattle raunch?”

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Dear Pungents, I’m running a mountain trail race in a few weeks. I need something to say to my competitors as I pass them by, to leave them in stitches, so to speak. Thanks guys, you’re the best. ~John, Montreal

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) “Am I in shape for this race? Yes, I’m very well mountained!”

2) “Looking at your ass when you run makes me think of mountain you.”

3) “Hill yeah!”

4) “See you at the Finnish line? No, I’m Russian by. So eat my Dostoyevsky.”

5) “If you’re biased against mountain courses, does that make you racist?”

6) “After I win this marathon I will retire… to Iran.”

7) “Let’s flip a coin to see who’s faster. If it’s trails you lose!”

8) “Are you a good runner? Well, I’ll put it this way: you’re definitely passable!” (POW)

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Dear Pungents, I need some cow puns to use at a dunk tank. ~Joe, Saginaw, Michigan

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) “Cows at a dunk tank? This is udder disaster! What’s the meating of this?”

2) “Knock him down! He’s bad to T-bone!”

3) “Will the cow fall into the tank? He’ll just have to brisket.”

4) “Always dunk your milk.“

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Dear Pungents, something Australian – kangaroos or some shit like that. Fair dinkum. ~Dukey, Melbourne, Australia

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) “Wallaby damned, you’ll roo the day you requested such stereotypical puns! Ya’oo can’t be Serious!”

2) “Which continent is home to stalkers? Us trail ya!”

3) “Is it true Aussie men shoot fireworks out their penises? Yes, flare-dink ’em!”

4) “Which supermodel is the child of Satan? Hell MuckFireSon!”

5) “‘Too many cooks spoil the broth?’ That’s especially true with mar-soup-ials.”

6) “I knock back the Aussie beers pretty quick, but the locals can drink even Foster.”

7) “There was one spot off the coast where actress Drew was known for smoking up. They call it the Great Barrymore Reefer.”

8) “They fart so much on one Australian Island – it’s known as Gasmania!”

9) “Don’t like these puns? ‘Din go to hell!”

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Dear Pungents, a pun for a work bulletin board (heathcare) about lungs or July 4th, fireworks. ~Brenda, Somewhere, USA

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT: (since July 4th has passed we’ll just stick with the lungs)

1) “You’ve come a lung way, baby.”

2) “Hear about the lung-specialists convention in New York? Naturally, it was held in the Bronx (bronchs).”

3) “Do railroad workers have trouble with their Pullmanary arteries?”

4) “Why should pneumonia sufferers avoid Belgium? Because – they’re phlegmish!”

5) “Did you hear Prince Charles had a blockage in his windpipe? The news headline read: “Air to the British Throat!“

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Dear Pungents, some retirement puns please: my wife is retiring as a receptionist from Livingston International after 16 years there and I am retiring from University of Toronto Schools as a history teacher after 5 years. ~John, Mississauga, Ontario

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

For wife –

1) “I’m not going to throw you a party – I figured the last thing you’d want is a reception.” (POW)

2) “Sixteen long years, and now finally you get to let all your frustrations pour out. That’s what happens with secretories.

3) “You always said it was like being locked in cave, there, at Live-in-stone.”

4) “After 16 years answering phones at a logistics and transportation company, I’m glad you’re telling them to go truck themselves.”

For husband –

5) “Teaching at University of Toronto schools was frustrating… I sometimes felt like kicking someone in the ‘UTS.”

6) “The job at UTS conflicted with my liberal beliefs; I couldn’t knuckle under to my principal’s conservatism any longer. After five years as his Tory teacher I just had to leave.”

7) “Me and that job are ancient history!”

8) “Hey I’m finally retired. What a dream – somebody pension (pinch) me!”

(1 votes, average: 1.00 out of 5)

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Dear Pungents, don’t you hate it when you’re in an elevator, and somebody decides to fart? What’s worse, whoever dealt it, refuses to own up to it! I need a pun to blurt out in such a stinky situation. ~Andrew, Toronto

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) “Boy what a long ride – this elevator just keeps going farter and farter.”

2) “Wow, look at all the butt-ends (buttons) lighting up!”

3) “Did someone sneeze? Gas-undheit!”

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Dear Pungents, I would like a pun involving boyfriends who don’t do the dishes, excessive amounts of ice cream, lesbian lust, tree climbing, mangos, and superheroes… By the way, you all are fantastic. ~Tina, Toronto

(…get ready!)

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

“Recently I went through a very negative tree-climbing incident that has left me in an aldered state. It was rough. In fact I scream when I think about it…

The other day, for the umpteenth time, my boyfriend neglected to wash up after dinner. Well, I had enough of it. We had long been on a rocky road, and this was the final strawberry – so I told him “It’s over,” and dish-missed him from my lovelife!

Well, he couldn’t believe I’d just dessert him like that. He says “Splits eh? You’ve gone bananas!” Then, get this, the crazy man goes to a nearby tree – the one with the massively huge tropical fruits – and he starts going up it! It was repulsive, rappelent even. He was like a monkey going up that tree, a real lower-order climb-mate. He must have thought he was some kind of hero, but I knew better; he doesn’t even like Super-mangos…

In the end, he was too jealous of my many gal pals. I implored him, “C’mon, lesbee friends!” but to no avail; he just stayed up there, saying “Leaf me be!”. Well, this foolishness was something I just couldn’t dyke any more of, so I thought, dam him; I looked up at the tree, said “oak-y dokey” and left.

Looking bark on things, I’ve never had such a fruitless relationship… Men – with them it’s all bump-and-rind, they just want your ‘cookies n cream’. No Wonder Woman is so much more a-peeling!”

(2 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)

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Dear Pungents, I’m getting married in a few weeks and wanted some wedding-related puns I could include in a speech. A little about us: I’m a grad student, nearing completion of my Ph.D in chemistry; she’s a tobacco-farmer-turned-clinical-pharmacist, specializing in hemotology. Have at it! ~Tyler, Toronto

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

(Adjust speech to conform to the facts… lots of bonus plays on words thrown in to boot!)

“We met when I was doing my Ph.D – right away, there was chemistry.

I knew her when she was a tobacco farmer. I thought she was just smokin’. We would stay up nights listening to that Def Leppard song – ‘Pour Some Cigar On Me’. She liked my hard wooden pipes, didn’t think I was drag. It was serendipitous – I met her just in the nic o tine! We’ve come a lung way since then. Now I’m addicted to her every breath.

She made a career change from farming, but not a big one – she was still in farm-acy. Now she specializes in hemotology; at the time I thought, wow that’s bloody incredible. Truly she is my prizecription! I feel so anemic compared to her; sometimes I wonder if she thinks I’m a dope, or a pill. Oh well, seeing how much we’ve spent on this wedding, at least she knows I’m not a pauper (popper)!” (take a bow)

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