RAISING A PUCKUS

Dear Pungents, I need something for a get well card that I’m writing on a hockey puck. I already have a puck that says “Merry puckin Christmas” and “Happy puckin birthday”; now I need one for “get well”… all I came up with was “slap-shot yourself better real soon.” Not too funny. ~Michele, Chicago, Illinois

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) “I heard you’ve been a bit down on your puck – but at least you get to play hockey from work (or school).”

2) “Good health should be your number one goalie.”

3) “I’m glad your illness is in de crease.”

4) “Pucker up! Get better so I can kiss you.”

5) “I hope your disease won’t leave any puck marks.”

6) “‘Shot’ happens… get well soon.”

FINALLY

7) “I’ve been worrying my faceoff.”

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PUNS ABOUT THE GENTS

(this is a real request, no joke!)

Dear Pungents, I’m a huge fan of your site. I want to spread the word about who you are and what you do, but I’m unsure how to describe it in kind. Help me to think of some witty puns about yourselves? Thanks a bunch. ~Naomi, Toronto

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

“Online punographers, pun-dits and pun krockers – The Pun Gents are local boys who’re fearless about getting feet dirty and plundering the language. That’s because we’re proud Tar-on-toenians. We were both born in 1978, on the 4th of July – aka Indie Pun Gents Day – and we fiercely protect our IndiePunGence.

Since our inauspicious beginnings in December 2004 we’ve been featured in: the National Post, Maisonneuve magazine and other print publications; were interviewed for a radio feature, and appeared several times on City-TV. In less than a year we’ve gone from mediocrity to media-jocularity!

PunGents.com has some unique features. Puns on Demand is the internet’s only custom joke and slogan service. And our Punshine Girls and Boys are so renowned for their sexy wordplay, quick tongues and hot dictionary skills that our site is in danger of getting a triple-‘lex’ rating!

And live performances! Pat recently won the bronze medal at the O. Henry Pun-off in Austin, Texas, the most famous (pun-related) joke contest in the world. The first ever Canadian puntestant, Pat wowed the pun-off crowd with his ‘cannibal’ puns; he took them in gest, and they ate him up, with relish – that’s no can o’ bull. The Gents hope to inaugurate a similar pun contest in Toronto, the Ron Maclean All-CanEHdian punoff in honour of Hockey Night in Canada’s celebrated punster. We’ve been dogging Ron for his attention, because we’re just rabid about this frothcoming event. So c’mon Ron, how bout a little tete-a-tetanus!

Sadly, laugh remains difficult. While we have gained a small bit of notoriety for ourselves, the majority of punsters around the world still suffer abuse at the hands of the groaneral population. The Gents will soon chronicle their trials and tribulations in a har-hitting krockumentary, ‘Malice in Punderland(ask us for a treatment). It will be a pun-ishing dreck-spose.

Also, we started up our own fashion subsidiary, Pun Gents Apparel. It’s surprising that either one of us would ever become fashion designers, but sometimes, shirt just happens. So click the link and buy one please; they come with a worn-tee.

Anyway that’s about it… As soon as we mention ‘Pun Gents Apparel’, we know it’s time to end the request.

Why’s that?

Because, yuk yuk, it’s our clothing line. (yikes)

Cheers,
The Gents

ps Thanks for your interest in our site; it’s been ass lice!”

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Frank from Eldorado:
Says, “Some people insist that the coming of the Messiah is imminent. As a Catholic (in my case it is short for “catty alcoholic“), let me say how I would visualize this momentous event:”

Jesus will return as amen. He will get a job, probably as a manger of some company where He will strive to generate lots of prophet. He will drive to work every day in His Chrystler. For some of His meals He will saviour the flavour of Jerusalem artichokes, and will wash the meal down with spirits. His favourite sport will be lacrosse.

ALSO

Where did the Ukrainian chef learn his trade?
In perogial school. Serving great meals was his contribution to whorled peas.

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What ancient Celtic cookbook tells you when your McBurgers are ready?
The book of the Done Cow.

The ancient Irish phone book?
The book of Calls.

Andrew from Dugald:
Apiary Redux: who always makes the hive look like a pigsty?
Leave Clutter Bees.

Sign on the wall of IRS HQ in Houston: “Don’t Mess With Taxes
Why you’ll never see a crowd in Dubya’s home state: “Don’t Mass with Texans
The army dictates that soldiers from the lone star state have to eat with their own kind: “Don’t Mess with Texans
When in Dallas, never point out that your service technician has plumber’s butt: “Don’t Mess with Tech’s Ass” (in Montana, ‘twould be plumber’s butte)

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Another update from South America’s War on Drugs:

After years of kidnappings, brutal assassinations and jungle warfare, suddenly an olive branch! Guerrillas from the Medellin drug cartel have actually been invited to recite Cocaine Poetry at a Colombian state banquet. Many law-abiding citizens, however, are upset at this diplomatic contra-verse-y.

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Andrew from Dugald:
We all know the Grim Reaper and how he wields a tool (his scythe); what we don’t really know is his sexual preferance. Thus, it could be said that he is a bi-sickle mechanic.

Tweens loitering in shopping centres are often unwanted mallingerers.

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Frank from Eldorado:

From Frank’s New and Improved Dictionary (pertaining to the Theory of Relativity):

claimant: female “relative” who asserts that she is the sister or sister-in-law of one’s mother or father.
truant: female relative who IS the sister or sister-in-law of one’s mother or father.
carbuncle: brother or brother-in-law of one’s mother or father on sugar-free diet.

ALSO

Press release: the generals of the U.S. Army expressed their tanks to the Pentagon for supplying new armoured vehicles.

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