Medicine Puns

Which doctors are the best interior decorators? Room-atologists!

When do some doctors talk about the weather? Whenever they meet a urologist.

Gastroenterologists always lose at scrabble because they get stuck with all the bowels.

The cancer specialist never gets to sleep, because he’s an on-col-ogist.

Surprised at the number of doctors who were murdered in 2004? Not at all, we’ve been expecting the surgeon homicides!

Is Valium still effective at high altitudes?

Which comedian will donate his bones to science? Red Skelton.

Hospitals approve of which musical sandwiches? Organ donairs.

Which doctors don’t drive Beemers? The Audi-ologists!

Anal fissures? Let’s hope the ER has a crack team!

Why did the Spanish Inquisition punish unbelievers by forcing them to drink coffee? Because caffeine is a die-heretic!

Did you hear about the red-nosed doctor who prescribed beer for every alement?

Did you hear that Coca-cola has finally hired a staff fizzician?

The war hero went to an animal hospital; he insisted on seeing a veteranarian.

Which drug has puzzling side effects? Ritalin

Why does the ophthalmologist prescribe selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors? Because it’s his job to assess our eyes! (SSRIs)

The patient was dogged by shitzuphrenia.

Which nerve is responsible for massive erections? The crane-ial.

Who never interrupts? An in-turn!

Who specializes in men’s necks? The guy-neck-ologist!

Ed: “Did you know the author of ‘The Raven’ died from an avoidable case of malnutrition?”
Ned: “Tragic. Would he have been saved by a nutritionist, perhaps?”
Ed: “No, although a foot doctor could have helped.”
Ned: “Really?
Ed: “Yes, Edgar Allen needed a Poe Dietrist!”

The doctor had to paint Easter eggs before making his dye-egg-nosis.

The raggedy sponge toy had a simple case of frayed nerfs.

Which STD is terminal? Goner-rhea!

The stunt pilot could no longer perform aerial tricks after being diagnosed with loopus.

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Diseases Puns

Notice: “Now accepting passengers for transatlantic voyage; first come, first scurved.”

Are scurvy victims poorly educated? Yes, they are rather untooth.

Women deficient in vitamin C are so hot. They have scurves in all the right places!

Do scurvy victims get buried in limed coffins?

Why did the leper take up hang-gliding? Because he wanted to sore.

What did the leper call his dog? Spot.

Why should you just borrow a couple dollars from your sister if you’ve got consumption? Because it’s two-buck-you’ll-owe-sis!

Why do those with TB go crazy? Because they’re in sanitorium!

My mother never stopped urinating when she caught the mum-piss.

Is an Irishman who fakes a skin-wasting disease a leper-con?

Schiavo may have died from a slow starvation, but if you mock her you’ll die from something much worse: dissin’ Terri.

What do you call a Russian who eats contaminated food? Ne.coli.

Never eat after purchasing Ms. Kilcher’s latest volume of poetry; you’ll get a horrible dose of bought-Jewel-ism.

Common disease among cannibals: Meningestitis.

Blogging is just so much verbal diaria.

The man’s main symptom was blue urine. The doctor immediately knew he was dealing with a case of dye urea.

Don’t be surprised if you get dumped by a scatophile. They’re known as fecal lovers.

Those who can’t control their emotions must suffer from emophilia.

Why did only alcoholics suffer from the Black Death? Because it was the bourbonic plague!

What did they chew during the Black Death? Bubo gum.

Which Roman had epilepsy? Julius Seizure.

NED: “I used my entire life savings to buy some land in the arctic.
ED: “Really? That’s odd.”
NED: “Yes, and the antarctic too.”
ED: “What, are you crazy or something? You’ve lost your marbles!”
NED: “Hey, lay off me! I suffer from buy-polar disorder.”

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