I wish I could cure a global pandemic. But that’s outside my sphere of influenza.
After getting H1N1, falling ill with H5N1 seems rather Super-fluous.
I always get sick when my cousin Enza comes to visit. Last week, in flew Enza, and wouldn’t you know.
People who just got off airplanes are more susceptible to the flew.
I was prescribed bed rest, after I underwent Lay Sick surgery.
Notice: “Now accepting passengers for transatlantic voyage; first come, first scurved.”
Are scurvy victims poorly educated? Yes, they are rather untooth.
Women deficient in vitamin C are so hot. They have scurves in all the right places!
Do scurvy victims get buried in limed coffins?
Why did the leper take up hang-gliding? Because he wanted to sore.
What did the leper call his dog? Spot.
Why should you just borrow a couple dollars from your sister if you’ve got consumption? Because it’s two-buck-you’ll-owe-sis!
Why do those with TB go crazy? Because they’re in sanitorium!
My mother never stopped urinating when she caught the mum-piss.
Is an Irishman who fakes a skin-wasting disease a leper-con?
Schiavo may have died from a slow starvation, but if you mock her you’ll die from something much worse: dissin’ Terri.
What do you call a Russian who eats contaminated food? Ne.coli.
Never eat after purchasing Ms. Kilcher’s latest volume of poetry; you’ll get a horrible dose of bought-Jewel-ism.
Common disease among cannibals: Meningestitis.
Blogging is just so much verbal diaria.
The man’s main symptom was blue urine. The doctor immediately knew he was dealing with a case of dye urea.
Don’t be surprised if you get dumped by a scatophile. They’re known as fecal lovers.
Those who can’t control their emotions must suffer from emophilia.
Why did only alcoholics suffer from the Black Death? Because it was the bourbonic plague!
What did they chew during the Black Death? Bubo gum.
Which Roman had epilepsy? Julius Seizure.
NED: “I used my entire life savings to buy some land in the arctic.
ED: “Really? That’s odd.”
NED: “Yes, and the antarctic too.”
ED: “What, are you crazy or something? You’ve lost your marbles!”
NED: “Hey, lay off me! I suffer from buy-polar disorder.”