Dear Pungents, I instruct a weekly spinning class and am in need of funny ways to motivate my cyclists to push themselves. I need to tell them to stop slacking – but in a nice way! ~ Alex, Toronto

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) “You wanna be strong like Popeye – get the spin-itch!“

2) “You want results now, then you have to pay the price now, not later – this ain’t no credit card-io class!“

3) “This isn’t easy – so get your ‘hard’ rate up!“

4) “I’ll have to call you Pansy – those ain’t no flower pedals!“

5) “Your connections won’t help you in my class – I’m immune to influence pedalling!”

(Rate This Pun)

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Dear Pungents, we just had a baby and have received a ton of flowers with no place to put them. How do I get people to stop giving us flowers? ~ Rob, Kingston

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) “Now that I’m a father I see life has taken on a vased new meaning.”

2) “Perhaps you’ll stop sending flowers if I tell you it was an unplant pregnancy?”

3) “No need for flowers – our angel’s already cute as a botany.”

4) “Another bouquet? Leaf us alone! Water you doing? Soily, you must joking!”

5) “Babies? flowers? I feel daisied and confused!”

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Dear Pungents, my friend and I run an arts and crafts program for street youth at our church and are looking for pun ideas to attract the kids to our craft table (and away from the video games table, basketball court and eating area). What can we say and do to lure the youth to us? ~ Jo, Toronto

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) “Tonight’s activity is macrame – something weave all been waiting for!”

2) “Making bracelets – you can’t bead it!”

3) “If you won’t carve wood with us then whittle you do?”

4) “What’s better than smoking up? Getting soap-stoned!”

5) “Stop playing Tomb Raider, and meet the real Lara Craft.”

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Dear Pungents, a coworker of mine is stuck in Vancouver waiting to test a software project which – because of our supervisor – is months past due and doesn’t seem to be coming along. What can he say to our boss to get his ass moving on the project? ~ Eric, Toronto

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) “You’re moving slower than my programma!”

2) “Is this beta-testing or wait-a-testing?”

3) “This software delay is an unbearable wait on my folders!”

4) “If you ever leave this job, you can put on your resume that you were a ‘computer notwork supervisor’.”

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Dear Pungents, I share a computer at home with my husband. We are constantly having major races after dinner to see who can reach the computer first to check email, chat with overseas friends on msn, etc. What can I say to petrify him in his tracks so I can win the next race? ~ Preciso Hooch, Cayman Islands

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) “Stop! The computer can’t be trusted: it’s see-pee-you watches when we’re in the bathroom!”

2) “I beat you because you’re so slow – you’re only moving at 16x!”

3) “In these days of political correctness, it’s only natural that the woman should take advantage of the PC!”

4) “I’ll RAM you! I’ll dish out the mega-hurts! I’ll make you re-pentium! You’ve got the ROM idea, buster; I’m a much better athlon!”

5) “Let me use messenger, or I’ll become your m-s-n-emesis!”

(1 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)

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Dear Pungents: I work at a school for children with special needs. In a country where the finance industry is such a mainstay of the economy, I feel like people think less of me for not working in banking or in business. What can I say to shut them up? ~ Kimberly Exactobrew, Cayman Islands

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) “Do you think we live in the Payman Islands?”

2) “My husband and I do enough bonking – I don’t need to do it all day at work!”

3) “I already act like a bank employee. Whenever one of my special needs kids throws things, I have to teller to behave herself!”

4) “Mortgages? There are more gauges to a healthy society than that!”

5) “Yes, I’m a trader – I’m a hawkupational therapist!”

6) “Enough teasing – don’t make me get fis(i)cal!”

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Dear Pungents, My friend wants to open a gelateria and has commissioned me to come up with punny names for her shop. Can you come up with non flavour-specific suggestions that don’t involve, “I scream…” or “gelata flavours…”? ~ Toxic Chi, Toronto

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) Gelotto – where every flavour wins
2) Gellice/Gellous Lovers
3) The Naked Spooner
4) Hello Gello
5) Tutti Gefrutti
6) Cold Mountain
7) Gelly Belly
8) Gello Concerto
9) Gelava
10) Creamophilia
11) Licker Barn
12) Sweetish Beauties
13) Gelactica
14) Smoothios

[Not all are puns, but good names nevertheless!]

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Dear Pungents: my parents will be visiting from the East Coast in May. I’d like some pungerific words of advice for when they navigate the streets of Toronto. Thanks as always! ~ East Coast Dog, Toronto

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) “If you’re visiting the Japanese area, wok – don’t run.”

2) “There’s more to Toronto than just CN the tower.”

3) “If you go to the Royal Ontario Museum, check out the donkey that’s on loan from the Enterprise. It’s ROM-mule-in!”

4) “Be careful doing laundry in Miss-a-sock-a!”

5) “Lost downtown? Remember that west of the DVP, the grass is always greener and the street is always Bloor.”

6) “Don’t be afraid to get your feet dirty walking around – that’s why they’re called Tar-on-toenians!”

(1 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)

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Dear Pungents: next week I’m going to France on business, and I’d love a few puns to share with my Canadian colleagues about Paris while we’re there. Any ideas, you punning geniuses you? ~ Heather, Ottawa, Ontario

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) “The hotels in France are always booked! For example, one cannot enter the Paris Hilton, as it is always full. You can’t even go in and out of that place quickly just to look around. They should rename it the Paris Filled-inn.”

2) “I hear the French have a great figure skating team. They do especially well in the Paris events!”

3) “If General Custer had conquered France, they’d call it the Trifle tower!“

4) “Does Sir Mix-a-Lot like French art? Yes – he likes to Louvre-it Louvre-it!“

5) “How did they dig the foundations of the famous art gallery? With earth-louvres.”

6) “Why did bandits move to the south side of the Seine? Because they wanted to hole up the Left Bank.“

7) “I hear lots of dogs visit the Arc du Tree-hump.“

8) “Last time I brought my girlfriend to the chomp Elise some guy bit her (but she’s not bitter)!”

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