Alpaca and Llama Puns

When they depicted Mohammad’s alpaca in a Danish newspaper cartoon, it was an insult to ‘is llama.

They crossed a camel, an alpaca and cow – and got what? A llamadairy.

“Don’t bother loading up the llama – Alpaca light!”

Mr. Kurtz went mad in the jungle and starting kissing dozens of llamas. They made a movie of it, called Alpaca Lips Now.

Do llamas love hockey? Yes, they’re all-pucka!

A llama’s favourite video game? AlPaca-man.

The bestiality fugitive spent years on the llama.

Alpacas invented llama-nation.

Does an alpaca’s doorbell go ‘llama-llama-ding-dong’?

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Weather Puns

They said the North Atlantic Treaty Organization could withstand any disaster, but it was done in by a Torn-NATO.

I thought it would be a breeze to master the Beaufort scale, but it turned out to be a no-wind situation. After all, I don’t speak Gale-ic!

Those meteorologists on storm watches, they live in the most squall-id conditions!

I forgot to put on my defrost, and the visibility was so bad I almost crashed. I really fogged that one up!

How about those clouds – they really accumulo-ate!

Why could Frosty the Snowman see everything? He had ice in the back of his head!

I love drinking the rain – it’s precipitasty!

Why do they measure the Israeli PM’s tallness with a thermometer? B/c it’s the Sharon-height scale!

His marks were so low on the scale, that whenever his parents were sent a grade he was given the third degree.

When the glacier was asked his opinions on Global Warming, he replied “I dunno, I’ve never really thawed about it.”

Even intermitten precipitation can soak through your clothes.

What’s the meteorological indicator of heat effects? Humidex.

What’s the philosophical indicator of scepticism? Humedex.

What’s the indicator of sunshine? Illumidex.

The indicator for vomit? Spumedex.

The dress-code indicator? Groomidex.

Stage of pregnancy? Wombidex.

Degree of cleanliness? Broomidex.

Strength of odour? Perfumidex.

Severity of depression? Doomadex.

Likelihood of unearthing a corpse? Exhumedex.

Degree of Westernization? Consumidex.

Probability of jumping to conclusions? Assumidex.

Level of wrestling proficiency? Sumodex.

Terrorism alert? Boomadex.

Degree of repressed anger? Fumedex.

Percentage of cotton? Loomadex.

Pessimism? Gloomidex.

Speed? Vroomidex.

Hotel vacancy rate? Roomidex.

Level of smokiness? Plumedex.

Likelihood of mountain lions? Pumadex.

Likelihood of strippers? Bazoomidex.

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Winter Puns

Puns about winter are snow joke.

What do you call a gangsta snowman? Froze-T.

What do bad Eskimos get in their stockings for Xmas? A lump of cold.

They top the charts every January – the Black-Ice Peas.

What do a spelling bee and a winter storm have in common? They both have I-spell-its!

NED: Do you take your bike year-round?
ED: No, but in winter I ride my icicle!

You’re not allowed to have ‘big hair’ in winter – you’ll get ‘fro sin.

Who played guitar for Guns ‘N’ Frozes? Slush.
W hat happened to their lead singer’s van in winter? Axel Froze.
And there was one other near miss, where the rhythm guitarist was driving the van in a snowstorm and he couldn’t see the lane markers. They called him Blizzy Stradlin’.

Do top scientists in the North get the Snowbelt Prize?

Those in the Snowbelt live in squallor.

Do Arctic sommeliers worry about the wine-chill factor?

Those who play poker in a snowstorm must carefully shovel their decks.

Do soldiers up North wear flake jackets for protection?

The stressed out snowman was acting flaky. That was, until he had a meltdown. And finally he was indicted for having a slush fund.

Hear about the Roman general who, every time there was an ice storm, he had an epileptic fit? It was ‘Hail… Seizure!’

NED: Is it likely that fist-sized ice pellets will clog our vacuum?
ED: Yeah, right – maybe when hail freezes hoover.

It’s cold out, so I like to go out for some really big sandwiches… It must be the subs-hero temperatures.

You can tell when winter hits hard: look at all the black eyes on the roadway.

Do Eskimos listen to MushMusic?

There’s a chance I’ll get a sapling anywhere from December to March. It’s the win-tree weather.

Hear about the gay polar bear who was depressed living up North, and so he left the Arctic, went all the way to the Antarctic, and actually found a girlfriend there? But he was still not content, since he was now a bi polar bear.

Instead of waiting in lineups outside in the cold, I’d rather be on icy-queue (ICQ).

As the winter snow turned into rain, Frosty began to realize that fame was sleeting.

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Ah-nold! puns

When asked who he’d like to play in the upcoming summer blockbuster about classical music, Arnold Schwarzenegger replied – “I’ll be Bach!”

When working as an usher in a theatre, he was approached by a patron bearing ticket B-75. Arnold pointed and said – “Aisle B… back!”

When his Islamic shawarma-meat got overcooked, he complained to the falafel-man – “Halal be black!”

When eating lobster and his bib got pierced by a wayward auger, Arnold was quite annoyed. He said – “Awl… bib – ack!”

When asked whether he feared Nazism would make a comeback, he gave an anxious look and said – “Heil be back!”

When asked by the grocer what kind of cheese he wanted and in what form, he replied – “All brie; block!”

When asked whether there would be another pink-eye epidemic, he replied – “Eye’ll be back!”

When asked what his favourite Asian stew was, he said – “Old bean bok-choi!” [ok that’s quite enough]

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WALLABY DAMNED!

A friend of mine is shortly moving to Australia, and I’d like some Aussie travel puns to send her on her way. Can the ‘Gents help a sister out? ~ Danielle, Halifax (or thereabouts), Nova Scotia

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) “You may not take to the animals immediately – but you’ll find they kan g’roo(w) on you!”

2) “You get to visit the Australian capital and I don’t? Agh, I Cantberra it!”

3) “If you’re staying til Christmas, check out the Great Barrier Wreath.”

4) “I hear the locals steal kisses from foreigners beneath koala-bear trees —
talk about a ‘eucalyptus yokel-lip-tease‘!”

Finally

5) “Don’t miss the wetland wildlife – it totally crocs!”

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DRAMARAMA

I’m currently dating someone who is not only older than me, but who used to be my drama teacher. I’d like a good pun to ‘school’ any nay-sayers out there, or a punny way to explain the situation to friends. ~ Charlotte, Hamilton, Ontario

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) “He picked me up in theatre class — I call him King Leer!”

2) “I used to be his pupil… and now we have a grade relationship!”

3) “He kept me late one day — for datention!”

Finally (and a bit racier)

4) “Sure, he may be an aging dramatist — but he still knows how to ‘Shake’ his ‘speare’!”

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THE WEST ‘ZING’

I need a legal-type pun for when one of the partners comes into my office and asks me if I’m able to take some of their work and I’m trying to rush out the door to get home in time to watch an episode of the West Wing. ~ Chris T, Toronto

AS THE PUN GENTS SEE IT:

1) “Work overtime? What am I, an attorney, or a ‘never-to-home-returnee’?”

2) “…But my wife will sue me if I’m tardy — she can be quite late-igious.”

3) “Is this litigation, or late-again-tion?”

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