Medicine Puns

Which doctors are the best interior decorators? Room-atologists!

When do some doctors talk about the weather? Whenever they meet a urologist.

Gastroenterologists always lose at scrabble because they get stuck with all the bowels.

The cancer specialist never gets to sleep, because he’s an on-col-ogist.

Surprised at the number of doctors who were murdered in 2004? Not at all, we’ve been expecting the surgeon homicides!

Is Valium still effective at high altitudes?

Which comedian will donate his bones to science? Red Skelton.

Hospitals approve of which musical sandwiches? Organ donairs.

Which doctors don’t drive Beemers? The Audi-ologists!

Anal fissures? Let’s hope the ER has a crack team!

Why did the Spanish Inquisition punish unbelievers by forcing them to drink coffee? Because caffeine is a die-heretic!

Did you hear about the red-nosed doctor who prescribed beer for every alement?

Did you hear that Coca-cola has finally hired a staff fizzician?

The war hero went to an animal hospital; he insisted on seeing a veteranarian.

Which drug has puzzling side effects? Ritalin

Why does the ophthalmologist prescribe selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors? Because it’s his job to assess our eyes! (SSRIs)

The patient was dogged by shitzuphrenia.

Which nerve is responsible for massive erections? The crane-ial.

Who never interrupts? An in-turn!

Who specializes in men’s necks? The guy-neck-ologist!

Ed: “Did you know the author of ‘The Raven’ died from an avoidable case of malnutrition?”
Ned: “Tragic. Would he have been saved by a nutritionist, perhaps?”
Ed: “No, although a foot doctor could have helped.”
Ned: “Really?
Ed: “Yes, Edgar Allen needed a Poe Dietrist!”

The doctor had to paint Easter eggs before making his dye-egg-nosis.

The raggedy sponge toy had a simple case of frayed nerfs.

Which STD is terminal? Goner-rhea!

The stunt pilot could no longer perform aerial tricks after being diagnosed with loopus.

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Food and Drink Puns

Remember: puns about food should be taken in gest.

Why did the chef jump off a cliff? He thought he could fry.

Do waiters who serve veggie soup like tips? Yes, they accept gratatouille-ties .

Bridget Jones’ Dairy was a cheesy movie.

Which fish could stand a shave? Hairing!

What vegetables are served in a vivarium? Zoochini!

The butcher’s dilemma: “I ran out of meat, with no time to go chopping!”

What fruit placed a restraining order on tennis icon Kournikova? The ban-Anna!

What fruit feels like a boulder when you pick it up? The palm-o-granite!

After some particularly painful stretches, the hippy ate some yoga-hurt.

What drinks do you serve with alligator meat? Croc-tails!

What pasta fixing did the chef buy after listening to a broadcast from planet Melmac? Alf-radio sauce!

Which vegetable speeds digestion? A celery!

After eating the hommelettes, why did the francophone cannibal dip phalanges in batter and cook them? Because he wanted French toes!

Which soft drink kicks up a violent fizz? Spriot!

The prospective chef was turned down for a cooking job – because he didn’t have the right skillet set. So he ended up smoking potpanhandling in an alley, and chasing after spoon-tang.

Who do dyslexic chefs brag about their coral? Because they love to boast reef!

How do chefs dye their hair? They put it in the blonder!

When do chefs put their ingredients on a weasel-like rodent? When they’re making stoat-top stuffing!

Ever eaten flying mouse? It’s not a bat meal.

The chef was fired for continually showing up to work half-sauced.

If James Doohan worked at Starbucks, would people say ‘Cream me up, Biscotti‘?

The pastry chef fell into the dessert he was preparing – and ended up in big truffle.

What do you call a 2,000-pound pile of leftover Ceasar Salad bread? Accrue-ton!

Do fruit farmers visit coastal areas on vacation? Yes – they like to relax on the peach!

Which one-eared artist did still-lifes of fruit? Vincent Man-Go!

Who are the fruitiest people on earth? The Mangolians!

The most parasitic fruit? Leechee.

Want to stop being a screwball? Drink de-gaffe-inated coffee!

Chinese food? Let me tell you: it is a delight to eat bok-joy.

Which candies make you bouncy? Caromels!

When will people line up to roast their childhood dolls? When it’s a Barbie-queue!

Why did Jesus eat the tender beef cut on the third day? Because he roast from the dead!

Little known torture fact: prisoners of the Spanish Inquisition were compelled to defecate, after ingesting must-turd.

When the Asian prostitute went to a cannibalist priest for confession, did he cover her with Ho Sin sauce?

A reminder to placate any fresh sprig that you see – it’s our policy of appease-mint.

Where in grocery stores is there sympathy for the devil? The pro-deuce section!

Be careful wearing nice clothes in the rough districts of Lebanon – you might get shawarmed by teens then you’d feelafel. If you took a few body blows, the doctor would have to examine your stomach with a gyro-scope.

In the Japan division of Nike, do they eat a lot of swooshi?

What do cowboys put on their pancakes? Maple stirrup!

The two tastiest properties in Monopoly: Pork Place and Board-Wok!

Was Legolas a vegetarian? Yes, he ate elfelfa sprouts.

In Ireland do they eat peatza?

When it comes to dairy products, the Sultan of Brunei likes to drink milk-sheiks.

A tortured demon’s favourite food? Ghoul-lash!

What bread is served at track competitions? Meet-loaf!

Which fruit is most disgusting? Blechberries.

If you want to get an Italian girl, then eat lass-on-ya!

Do animal rights activists prefer PETA bread?

Was rapper Biggie Smalls fat? Yes, he was larder than life.

Are pastry chefs ever on time? No, they’re always tarty!

What Gandhi said in the peasants’ paddy: “ Citizens, rice up!”

Do Catholics give up chick peas for Lentil?

When Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie shot an episode at the General Mills plant, did they call it the Cereal Life?

What the police said to the bootlegger: “You can rum , but you can’t hide!”

What product do you put on a wound when you’re sure to recover? I’ll-live oil!

FINALLY: They were serving meat plates at a White House reception for the UN. Dubya pointed at a dish he wanted and mumbled something half-intelligible. All the foreign emissaries recoiled in terror – and quickly asked him to repeat himself. The President looked up and smiled. “Rest easy, boys – I said I’ve got my finger on the MUTTON.”

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Military Puns

Ditch-diggers often make trenchant remarks.

The stupidest branch of the military? The Knavy.

Which soldiers are good at killing knights? The off-a-sirs!

Did you hear Bush ordered the cast of Cats to go to Iraq? Yes, he sent in the troupes!

The favoured weapon of Egyptian army is the Ptolemy gun (tommy gun).

The Grim Reaper would often seek out French Navy Seals, in the Phoque-Souls (foxholes).

Why should you never trust the military police? Because they’re full of MP promises!

Are they afraid of dead mice in the Murine Corpse?

Don’t be offended if a cavalry officer doesn’t say tanks.

Which pilots feel guilty whenever they get erections? Those who fly fie-turgids (fighter jets).

Can you believe General Schwarzkopf has found religion? Who, Stormin’ Mormon?

The Army will arrest you if you make fun of an officer after dark. It’s known as a nocturnal diss-charge.

When I accidentally shot myself in the crotch with a bazooka I felt quite mortarfied.

If you want to learn about Iraqi war tactics it will require some advanced university scuddies.

Are those who get attacked by flamethrowing midgets suffering small arms fire? (POW)

Do they only allow sleazy females in the cadettes?

It’s an army of bloodsuckers, aka the Leechin’ of Doom!

Are soldiers on cowback known as a calf-alry?

I had some pretty crazy Scottish relatives in the army. You know – ‘Uncle Sam wants ewe’.

The helicopter crashed after receiving many bullet holes and would need repairs. It was Apache.

Some soldiers get so depressed that the only way to make them smile is to toss them a grin-aid.

I have a lot of questions about operating this howitzer.

How does a soldier catch a wolf? He uses his bayin’ net.

The iron-welder joined the military, because he felt it was his duty to solder in the army.

No one could strike fear into the hearts of the enemy quite like the Zulu Worriers.

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Fish Puns

To catch fish, you need a bass kit.

Fisherman porn? Deep Trout.

Do famous fish get endorsalment deals?

To get a fish’s opinion, simply take a pole.

Goodlooking fishermen have a lure. Be careful though, they’re not reel – and they might start line to you. They’ll either be worms, or try to hook you in. Their heinous flies with never a bait!

Fishing in a river involves patience. There’s a lot of wading.

Catching fish behind a boat can be trawl order.

Did the ancient Minnowins collect small fish?

The Lady of the Hake held Excaviar from the water.

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Finance and Currency Puns

Working in Mexico doesn’t peso good.

Do Middle Eastern currency traders ask their friends over for dinar?

Just thinking about South African currency makes me randy.

Do Russian bankers love cows? No, they rue bulls.

The tale of the buried Israeli treasure? ‘Dr. Shekel and Mr. Hide’!

They closed down the pay showers after they ran into fee-douche-iary troubles.

Is it true that a barber is in charge of the U.S. Tressery Board?

Puns about Danish currency tend to be real kroners.

My sister was trapped under a pile of old Dutch coins. In fact it was so heavy it almost guilder.

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Farming Puns

What advice does a farmer follow when choosing a tractor? “If it fields good, do it.”

NED: You shouldn’t let farm animals provoke you.
ED: I can’t help it – they goated me!

No farm building should ever, under any circumstances, be used as a convent… barn nun.

The farmer was stressed out. He had a high-thresher job.

How did the ferrier’s wife know he’d been seeing a prostitute? She found a horseshoe.

After they had laid down all the fertilizer, the farmers awoke the next day, shocked at their discovery of the crap circles.

The song ‘Dancing Queen’ is so bad, they use it to slaughter cows. You know – in the ABBAtoir.

Grain farmers have a tough life. They barley survive from wheat to wheat.

I tried to navigate the farmer’s field. But it was a maize.

Does growing sorghum cause gingivitis?

What do corn wear at night to keep warm? Stalkings.

When Beethoven lived on a farm, he wrote Oat to Joy.

Billy Ray Cyrus quit country music to build a gigantic bread oven. He called it the Acrey Bakery Hearth.

And Brooke Shields decided to grow colourful produce on her farm, aka the Blue Legume.

A farmer’s favourite party game: Truth or Dairy.

Catastrophic: when tabby caused a commotion by dipping his rump into the pig’s slop.

The innovative farmer decided to mark off his hoofed mammals. Everyone was impressed at this brand gnu development.

The criminal threatened to strike right at harvest time. The farmer said to him, “You better leave, before I cull the crops!

What kids grow up in the fields? Farmy brats.

Farmers get stressed out when it’s harvest time and they’re expected to compensate their workers. They suffer from so many acres and payins.

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Music Puns

Which band is raising a stink? New Odour.

What band do farmers play when their opium crop fails? Skinny Poppy!

Which band was inspired by puffy toy animals? Nerf-fauna.

As fans of Axl and Slash, Pat and Rhain’s favourite rock band is Puns ‘n’ Groanses.

What’s a Scotsman’s favourite U2 song? ‘With or Without Ewe’.

Man cannot live on bread alone? Au contraire! As the Beatles sang, ‘All You Need Is Loaf’.

Which Beatle was communist? John Lenin.

All of Pearl Jam’s decisions are to be approved by Eddie Vetter.

Which songstress got a ligament transplant from rocker Cocker? Joe-knee Mitchell!

Which folksinger was an oil baron? Bob Drillin’.
” was hung up on actress Bancroft? Bob Dial-Anne.
” killed his internet server? Bob Die-LAN.
” loved colourful wool sweaters? Bob Dye-lamb.

Which rocker gave up a career as a chicken trainer? Jimi Hentricks!

Who’s famous for his sugary ballads? Bon-bon Jovi!

REM’s popular hit about facing your inner heart of darkness? ‘Everybody Kurtz’.

Which artist has been prostrate since childhood? Kneel Young.

Can the singer of Purple Rain really boogie? Who – Prance?

Which diva’s a target for media muckrakers? Mudonher!

Which Beatle was hounded by puck bunnies during his stellar hockey career? Rink-ho Starr!

Which band is horny? The Sax Pistols!

Which 60s band was implicated in terrorism? The Hamas and the Papas!

Musical genius? Eminem is no smartie.

Which British group jogs in the morning? Dew-ran Dew-ran!

Was Boy George a stickler for punctuation? Yes, he wrote Comma-chameleon!

What U2 album was a joke? The Josh-ua Tree!

Which Beatles album had buzz? Api Road!

Which classical composer was lured into a furnace? Ludwig van Bait-oven!

You’re lucky if the composer of the Hungarian Rhapsody makes your acquaintance – you can add him to your Franz Liszt!

Which composer likes to cut wood? Chopin.

Who’s Salt-N-Pepa’s favourite composer? Franz Shoop-ert.

Which composer’s routine consisted of drinking tea, hacking his lungs out, and then hitting the slopes? Chai-cough-ski!

Which producer gets all worked up? Brian Emo.

Who gets a kick out of math? Joy Division.

Which act had a smallish frontman? Runty MC!

Who launched an ad campaign to fight crabs? Pube-Lice Enemy!

The U2 guitarist was wise to drop of high school – his music career offered a better Edge-ucation.

U2’s Larry Mullin’ Junior can’t decide on having a baby.

Tony Danza’s favourite band? Oh-eh-sis!

Who never shut up on a flight? Janis Jaw-plane! 

Who ended up as Zamboni drivers? Rink Floyd. 

Who’s marries anyone, as long as they’re eye-candy? Jennifer Elope-pez. 

Whose voice causes cattle stampedes? Moo-riot Carey.

Who developed a German beer using mineral water? Brews Spring-Stein.

Have you heard ‘Danger Jelly‘ – the latest from Peril Jam?

Which group shaved their pubic hair? Bush Ex. 

Were Paul and Art depressed after reluctantly adding a third member to their act? Yes, they were now nicknamed Sigh, Moan & Gar-Funk-el.

Gwen stopped being shy about exposing her knotty leg muscles to public view – “After all,” she said, “we’re Node Out.

Who will paint your van? Inkubus!

The British dance group gets nervous about zapping cattle – they’re Prod-itchy.

Which Detroit punkers cut a large swath of musical destruction? The Wide Strips.

Which alterna band still believes in Santa Claus? Saw-Nick Youth.

Which band prefers not to wear clothes? Garb-itch.

At the site of the famous plane wreck the emergency crews discovered a horrid sight: Bloody Holly, Richie’s Valentrails, and a steaming carcass aka the Big Glop.

Flea’s favourite bar food? Chili Poppers.

Who are rock giants? Metall-ica.

Who’s the techno artist famous for sad songs? Mopy.

The Chemo-kill brothers died from radiation therapy.

Which band tolerates meateaters? The Beef-if-ya-choose (B52s)

Is Rush an optimistic group? Yes: drummer Neil is pert, guitarist Alex is Laughson, and the frontman sings quite geddy-lee.

Who spends a lot of time in the bathroom? Loo Read!

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Education Puns

If you’re crafty, then you don’t have to get a Ph.D. You can get a masters degree and then just doctor it.

“Man that coarse was rough!”

If you write an exam in a freezing cold room then you might end up as a testicle.

When did you flunk out of Cannibal U? It was in my fleshman year.

Why does a lexicographer’s pants have holes in the crotch and the lower leg? Because they’re dick-shin-airy.

How do you greet a Grade 8 student? With a junior ‘hi’.

It was just a pile of shit, my mass-turd’s degree.

I’ll miss going to medical school… without it my life will be MD.

My friend James loves going to Jim class.

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Periodic Table of Elements Puns

Which element of the periodic table obeys all the laws? Copper.

Sewing machines are made from aloominum.

Tilemakers use floorine.

Iron is expensive; if you want some you must pay a Fe.

Gravediggers use barium.

Why should punsters go to hell? We’ve already sulfured enough!

Las Vegas must be made of tin. Because it’s Sn City.

The lazy chemist disliked reciting the more obscure elements; it would bohrium to death.

The divorced chemist had to make antimony payments.

Bromine – the chemical for angry black men.

Compounds of which noble gas are hard to spot? Argon.

The film about the chemist in Vietnam? Boron on the Fourth of July.

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Cow Puns

They let a large cow into the Playboy Mansion, and called it Huge Heifer.

Which US state has the most bovines? Cowafornia! (…but what about Moo Mexico?)

Is there any trace left of the great Ancient Cow civilization? Yes, many ruminants are left behind.

Tantric sex with bovines? That’s a lotta bull-yoni.

Does excessive methane release (farting) ruin a cow’s milk production? Yes, because of the poisonous dairy-air.

Cows often regurgitate their own cud. It’s because they’re bullimic.

Those who invest in cattle futures must pay attention to the leather forecast.

Mother cow to uncouth calf: “Were you grazed in a barn?

Misbehaving cows must sit in the corner wearing a dung’s cap.

The cow and bull mated in a heap of dung. The next morning the cow said “man ‘ure great last night!”

The Secret Service surrounded the President with dozens of cows. They were trying to beef up security. (POW)

The farmer was at a loss to produce more beef. In a last-ditch effort, he put his cows in a giant centrifuge. It was so sad; he was really spinning his veals.

Eat in the field where the grass is greener? You gotta be grazy!

You shouldn’t tell jokes about cows. Nobody likes a cattle-tale.

Which cows look forward to being barbecued? The ones who feel at home on the range. (POW)

Q: Do you eat veal? A: Of course not! Also, I’m trying to give up calfeine.

There are those cows who produce offspring and those who don’t. It’s a case of the calves and calve-nots.

Goats and donkeys tend to be lazy. But cows – they give 110% heifer!

When should you throw out your cow milk? When it gives off a peculiar udder.

FINALLY

One night in the barn, the hoofed mammals got together and decided to have an orgy. It was an all-ungulate debaucherment, featuring depraved acts with cows, goats, wildebeests and more! Things were getting rather out of hand when the poor unsuspecting farmer walked in, all agape. The orgy grinded to a halt. One of the hoofers pulled a firearm on the party-crasher and ordered him angrily to leave. Stunned and embarrassed, the farmer asked the pistol-packing ungulates to calm down: “Don’t let me interrupt,” he stammered at the point of the barrel, “please – put your gnu back in the holstein!

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